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  1. #1
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    Default Unsure if being with my Husband is the best thing.

    Hello ladies, I'm a fellow hubber using a separate account due to the nature of this post. I would like to keep the problems in my marriage some what private.

    Alright this might become a long post.
    You might have to hit the "more" link at the end

    My husband told me he has had feelings for some one else and it started to get serious.

    Here is a bit about the whole thing.. And a bit of our history.

    My husband and I have not been married long (2 years )
    After we got married he had problems with watching Porn all the time, I didn't really care as it seemed to be something men do.
    It got to a point where he was watching and masturbating to it all the time.
    He started not wanting to have sex with me and only wanted to masturbate to porn, he would do it at times when he should be by my side
    For example; when I was in early labour.
    There were other times he did it when it was inappropriate.
    The girls he would watch look nothing like me, the things they did wasn't something I had ever done with my husband. Leaving me extremely self conscious.
    He never did it in front of me, sometimes I would walk in on him and others I would check the Internet history, he always admitted to it. and say he wouldn't do it again.
    I started having alarm bells ringing in my head when I had seen on his Internet history (I use to work in IT so I know how to recover deleted history, emails ect) that he was chatting to girls on sex sites and getting off on what they were saying, and what they were doing on web cam.

    That was when I said enough is enough this needs to stop.

    He started going to counseling, Since going he says he hasn't watched porn or masturbated, Internet history is clear, emails ect are clear, and I put secret spy wear/web watcher into the computer and it is linked to all electronics, i check it daily, and it's all clear.
    We also installed a porn blocker for all the computers and I phones, I pads, play station ect.

    All was going great until he dropped a complete bom shell on me that has left me in a million pieces.

    I thought there was something that he wasn't telling me, I pushed and pushed him for about 4 hours one night to tell me what he was hiding.
    He told me that one of the girls at his work, he had strong feelings for her and she felt the same way, they had been flirting and having lunch together ect.
    Holding hands, but no sex or kissing... he says...

    He said in the end (when he first started getting help for his pron problems) he told her it was wrong, and it needed to stop ect
    So he "says" now he has no feelings for her any more and that he has just "turned off" any feelings he had for her...

    How does someone even "turn off" feelings??? He still works with this girl and it scares the **** out of me.

    I have been cheated on in the past, not by him but by a boyfriend I had for 5 years, that was a one night stand.
    To be honest, my husband having a "relationship" with this other girl has made me more upset.... Because with my ex cheating it was a one night stand and no feelings developed.
    But my husband! He had strong "borderline love" as he called it for this lady.... She knew he was married with a child... I just don't understand!!

    She looks beautiful, legs up to the sky, long blonde hair... I envy her...

    When my husband told me this he was crying, saying how horrible he felt and he was to afraid of loosing me.
    I seen my solicitor the next day and got the application for divorce papers.
    My thinking was that we had only been married 2 years who else knows what he will be up to in a few years time!! And my daughter! No way do I want her growing up in a marriage where the mother isn't loved and is treated this way.
    I handed him to application for divorce to sign it and he just cried for hours, and wouldn't sign it. Every time he seen me he just broke down into tears and made me feel bad! How does that even work??

    He started doing all this crap to try and "show he loved me" so to speak.. Like little notes all over the house, flowers every day ect.
    All this made me feel bad because i wasn't taking him back, so I decided to give me another chance.

    But since I have, he is slowly slipping back into his old ways.

    I told him the other night I wanted to separate for a while so he could sort out his ****. And I could try and see what I really wanted to do! He said yes but since me telling him this he is acting like the discussion never came up!
    That's where we are at now.
    He cries if I bring it up, don't know if the tears are genuine or just some type of way to make me feel bad and go back to him.
    I think he is extremely scared of what people will think of him if we separated.
    I love him so much, and I don't want to leave him. But I have just been hurt so much and the future is so uncertain, I don't want to get to 10 years down the road and he is leaving me for some one else, I don't want there to be a chance for him to disappoint our daughter like my dad did to me.
    I'm at a complete cross road and I do not want to leave him, I still love him, yes I am hurt! And angry, and want to go down to his work and yell at this women and I want to scream at my husband.. So many emotions but live for him is still the main one.
    But everything in my mind and instinct is tell me to get out now. Leave.

    If he loves this other girl, then I think he should tell me the truth about what HE wants too.. I don't want him resenting me because he lost his chance at true love or some crap.
    I have no idea what to do next, I have told no one about this and have nobody to talk to... I feel like I'm in a dark place with no way of knowing whats the right or wrong thing to do here.
    Last edited by Incog; 23-03-2012 at 15:57.

  2. #2
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    You mentioned that your DH has been receiving counselling for the porn addiction (well it sounds like an addiction to me anyway) but what about marraige counselling for you both?

    You can separate and still participate in marriage counselling - in fact it may work better if you do so that you have space to reflect and you can have time together also.

    You said that you still love your DH and it does sound like he still loves you so I wouldn't be in a hurry to end the relationship without trying everything you both can to stay together.

    As a side note you have to be separated for 12 months before you can apply for a divorce.

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    Incog  (23-03-2012)

  4. #3
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    You poor thing Grr I just want to come and cuddle you lots! I'm not going to give you any advice, because I think in situations in this, the head does rule the heart, you just have to listen to it. I would however, leave, even if you go stay with some friends or family for even a week and see where it goes. Papers are one thing he doesn't need to sign, but him seeing you take action and taking your beautiful little angel away may be the shake up he needs.

    I'd be pretty ****ed off if he were leaving notes and buying flowers etc, I'd say to him to save his money and that he should be working on the actions of stopping this with the other women in his life, the co-worker, the Internet girls and Mrs Palm and her 5 daughters.

    And I wouldn't let HIM take the choice of what he wants to do and who he wants to be with, I'd put my foot down and take control of your life. You need to stay strong for yourself and your daughter. Dignity and all. xxxxxxx

  5. #4
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    Wow. What a horrible experience

    I haven't been in this situation before so I'm not sure how much help I can be. My husband and I spoke about guidelines before we were married regarding pornography, masturbation etc so we knew we were on the same page. I would feel exactly the same as you! So hurt and betrayed.

    I don't really know what to offer except for a suggestion of strict commitment from him for counseling and a willingness to completely remove himself from all temptation. Is it possible to put the computer in the living area so it isn't so private, or is there any possibility for him to move positions or workplace so he is no longer in contact with the woman he is developing feelings for?

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    Incog  (23-03-2012)

  7. #5
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    OP - you are going to get mny replies based in what THAT person would do in the situation.

    YOU have loads of information infront of you - you are somewhat fortunate that he has been honest about certain things with you.
    YOU need to act - don't leave it up to him. Do what is best for YOU.

    If I personally were in your position - i'd ask him to leave, if he made it difficult I would go...that kind of behaviour is not something I wish for in a relationship...I know others see pron as 'normal' - and it 'can' be...but this sounds extreme and excessive, leading to the flirting with other people online and IRL.

    ..plenty of fish in the sea

    His tears are most likely from regret, think about what YOU would rather regret - walking away OR not walking away sooner.

    Good luck x

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    Incog  (23-03-2012),laurea  (23-03-2012)

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    No real advice but I agree with PP, I would not be putting up with pron at all, I don't care how much of a prude I look like, I will not tolerate it in any way, shape or form in my home. I would also have reservations about my husband continuing to work with someone he had such strong feelings for. I know he says both these things are over, but I'd still feel uncomfortable about him working with her, because the temptation is there, right in front of him, every day. Even the strongest man/women would find that hard.

    I do agree with you about asking him to decide what he wants. While I think you need to decide what YOU want, and what YOU are willing to put up with, and what is a deal breaker, I also think he needs to work out what it is he wants. And if he wants you and your family, he might need to make some decisions about where he works and attending counselling more long term, and DEFINITELY as a couple. I also think this could be done better while you have a brief period of separation (or longer depending on how the counselling goes). Both of you need to know this is really what you want, its a waste of time if he really wants to be somewhere else.

    Hope things get better

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    Incog  (23-03-2012)

  11. #7
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    I'm sorry, I have no advice but couldn't read and not post.

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Massive hugs.

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    Incog  (23-03-2012)

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    I dont know what to say, I just couldnt read and not give you hugs

  14. #9
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    How awful xxx

    I'm sorry I dont really have any advice.. If it were me-I'd find it too difficult to move past all those things..

    Be strong xx

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    Incog  (23-03-2012)

  16. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by FiveInTheBed View Post
    OP
    thank you for your advise, I appreciate it, and I appreciate your honesty.
    I have a lot of thinking to do and I do agree that it's best he leaves whilst I do that.
    I have thought about leaving my self, but that's a bit unfair for me to leave my home, and to take my daughter away from where she is most comfortable . The choices he made shouldn't have to mean me and dd have to leave the house.

    Quote Originally Posted by Justwant2beamummy View Post
    My husband and I spoke about guidelines before we were married regarding pornography, masturbation etc
    We had the same discussion, when we were together I never knew about the porn, he told me he didn't do it.
    2 weeks after our wedding was when I found out he had been doing it for so long.

    As for him moving at work, he has applied for other jobs with the same company, but until he finds out wether he has gotten any of them and when he can move offices he is still working with her... And there office rooms are next to each other.

    Quote Originally Posted by louellyn View Post


    You mentioned that your DH has been receiving counselling for the porn addiction (well it sounds like an addiction to me anyway) but what about marraige counselling for you both?

    You can separate and still participate in marriage counselling - in fact it may work better if you do
    I have thought about marriage counseling, and it's something my husband has mentioned, I'm just not sure if im completely ready to go and talk to some one, I'm still trying to process it all my self. It's certainly something Im willing to try.
    I'm just so upset right now, that I'm trying to suppress as many feelings as possible other wise I feel as though I will loose my mind if I let them all out, I just don't feel ready to speak face to face with another person about it all, I just want some time to my self to try and process everything. But it is something I'm willing to try if it means it could save us, I just don't know if I'm ready right now or if this is the best time to go.


    And thank you to every one else that has replied, and took the time to read my post.
    It feels good to just get some of this out, even if it is just over a forum.


 

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