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  1. #1
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    Default Advice please (re crazy ex-husband.. again.. of course)

    okay girls (and guys) I'm just looking for some confirmation re my actions lately..

    short history.. ex has a history of some sort of mental illness (personality disorder, compulsing lying and other such things and also depression and post traumatic stress from child abuse as a child he had...least this is what he says).

    3 weeks ago ex rang me all week every day with weird things on and off.. just lies and strange stories (he was going to move next door.. then he wasn't, he had a lot of money to give, then he wanted to cut child support.. random weird stuff) which I logged in my diary. He stopped seeing the children at his twice weekly visits (consent ordered) and emailed me saying he only wanted to see them on the weekend (he has one consent order visit to see them on the weekend).

    the same week all the calls 3 weeks ago he rang late one night to tell me he had been sectioned in a mental hospital (turns out that was a lie apprently), and had tried to kill himself 3 weeks prior to that (lie? not sure) and was in a 'safe house' for self harm and was being watched 24/7 (this also turned out to be a lie). As a result (before I knew they were lies) my solicitor said I needed letters from his doctors to say what was going on but until then we should only have supervised visits. rang legal aid and they also backed this up. cost me $350 for the solicitor's letter

    at first he refused supervised visits but then realised he had to do it.. he kept saying he's got a solicitor (lie) and he has the letters (possible other lie).. he's rung and rung but I'm not answering calls from him as he's aggressive.. I have been responding via email and he's going nuts I'm screening my call has he likes to call any time day or night and annoy me - it's killing him to not be able to 'have a go at me' any time he likes on the telphone!

    anyway... he's had two visits at my place on a sunday for 2 hours each.. still no sign of letters, no news... nothing. I'm assuming it may not happen and I'm thinking he assumes I'll just drop the matter but a) there is still no evidence of his mental health or what drugs he's on b) it cost me $350 and caused a lot of upset at my end re his phone call to say he'd been sectioned - so what to do.. stick it out and force him to produce the letters? I feel that's what I should do and feel that if I don't stick to this it will come back to bite me later when he does it again.. also he's still emailing random weird stuff and it's a bit aggressive (nothing as such just a nasty tone and lots of emails) which confirm my belief he's mentally unstable. any advice?

  2. #2
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    I guess the ultimate concern is 'his he a harm to himself or the children' and from what he's told me (through all those phone calls) and his random behaviour (aggressive and strange) I think he 'might' be but have no real idea as have no information at all about what is going on, what happened that night, if he was sectioned or it was suggested to him.. I have zero info.. so I kinda think he should provide some info... however, I'd be interested to know what any doctor is going to write to cover themselves!

  3. #3
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    Wow, I've been following your posts but haven't responded so far.

    He's really a difficult one to work out. Why would he self-sabotage his position by saying those things unless he thought you would feel sympathy for him or offer him something that he wants.

    What does he want? Does he want to get back together? Do you *feel* he could be a physical danger to you and/or the kids?

    The fact that he is not making the most of his contact time with the kids says to me it is more about you, than him wanting time with the children. If your supervised visitation was without you in a contact centre would he just drop out of the picture? I know this probably isn't ideal but he is unpredictable and unstable, not good for the children or you.

    What does your solicitor suggest? You have so much in the way of evidence against this man, can you have the orders changed to give you some freedom from his problems?
    Last edited by Stiflers Mom; 21-03-2012 at 19:12.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wonky Donkey View Post
    Wow, I've been following your posts but haven't responded so far.

    He's really a difficult one to work out. Why would he self-sabotage his position by saying those things unless he thought you would feel sympathy for him or offer him something that he wants.

    What does he want? Does he want to get back together? Do you *feel* he could be a physical danger to you and/or the kids?

    The fact that he is not making the most of his contact time with the kids says to me it is more about you, than him wanting time with the children. If your supervised visitation was without you in a contact centre would he just drop out of the picture? I know this probably isn't ideal but he is unpredictable and unstable, not good for the children or you.

    What does your solicitor suggest? You have so much in the way of evidence against this man, can you have the orders changed to give you some freedom from his problems?
    I think you're 100% right! I think it's about me. He does want to come back but it's been 2 years and we're divorced! gez take a hint!! he's very very mentally unstable and rings (when I used to answer the phone) and just want to talk to somebody, then rings to get cross with me and try to control me, then rings to tell me he's coming into a huge amount of money and wants to buy me a house and can he live underneath! to which I say 'no way!!!'. It often feels like I'm talking to two different people because a few months ago he rang and wanted to talk about heaps of stuff.. I should have put the phone down but then he gets a bit agro on me so sometimes it's easier to just let him prattle on a bit.. but when he mentioned us living together in separate parts of the same house I got really worried as he was talking so weirdly.. before I put the phone down that night he said 'you haven't been with anybody else since we split' and I said yes I had, I had a boyfriend for 6 months but wasn't seeing him any more and I had told him this before and it still wasn't any of his business! he seemed to have forgotten I mentioned any of that before.. scary delusional behaviour.

    I've been racking my brains to think why he would sabotage himself like that (with the phone call 'I've been locked up in a mental hospital' etc..) and can't figure it out.. which scares me because he must be so unstable. He sends emails all the time about his 'rights' to see the kids etc etc but he was missing heaps of visitation in the lead up to this.. he's just very very difficult to deal with and I fear I'll never see the end of this stuff as he's so mentally unwell. He seems to be very bitter about the separation and just plain refused to acknowledge the divorce.

    all this behaviour makes me question his judgement and abilitiy to care for very young children (2, 4, 7).. they are so little.. it's such a worry that I feel I have to get these letters. However, I know he's trying his hardest to make me feel sorry for him (he's always the victim)... my gut feeling is stick to my guns.. but reality is he may never produce those letters.. so he keeps seeing the kids at my house for 2 hours once a week? he refuses to go to a drop in center.

    My solicitor said I can't have the orders changed because a) I'd have to pay for it and it would massivly expensive b) we'd have to collate a lot of evidence and atm we still have no info from him even about which doctor's he is seeing and c) he might end up with MORE visitation hours rather than less in court.. you just never know?

  5. #5
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    You're in a hard place. I really feel for you.

    I think you should avoid getting personal and speaking to him about your relationships with other men, tell him to mind his own business. Try to stay on-track and keep it about the kids.

    I'm sure you're already saving all his messages and emails, and I think you mentioned a journal.

    Maybe when he calls you could say to him that you are recording the conversation so he has to be sensible.

    Don't engage him: be strait forward, don't raise your voice or get upset.

    Outline to him what you will and won't tolerate regarding the numerous phone calls, messages. Set times during the week for him to communicate with the kids. At other times let it go to message bank and only respond if it's a legitimate reason for calling.

    Does he know that under no uncertain terms the two of you won't be getting back together?

    Can you have a support person with you when he is there so he has to behave?

    Is he likely to take you to court if things don't go his way? I feel very uneasy about him, I hope things settle down for you
    Last edited by Stiflers Mom; 21-03-2012 at 20:57.

  6. #6
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    He threatens to take me to court pretty much every week but even after 2 years, divorce, settlement and much legal expense by me he still doesn't have a solicitor (he tells me did all through the initial nasty stuff via court but then admitted he lied.. now he tells me he has but still no sign of letters so assume he doesn't have one still ).

    Yes I've told him very very bluntly 'I never want to get back with you' I've even told him I hate him and can never ever forgive him... but he just doesn't really listen (mental illness I think influences this).

    A few months back he mentioned the stuff about us moving into the same house etc etc.. then the next week when I said '.. and stop asking to come back I don't want you back we're never getting back together' he seemed suprised and said 'oh I don't want to come back, why would I want to come back I have a girlfriend?' - just lies, lies, lies and often like talking to two different people.

    I screen my calls except for wednesdays at 5.30 when I've said he can call to speak to the kidswhich I emailed him about and said he could ring and he did that last week to speak to the kids but was furious I wouldn't speak to him as well.. umm come to think of it he never rang last night... that's so typical of him. He demands all these 'rights' but never follows through - he's so messed up.

    My parents have stepped in a bit and as they take our oldest son to rugby training they told me to give him their number and contact them about the times his training is on if he wants to watch etc.. and he has gone and watched a few times but now he's mad with me again (even though I'm not invovled) and sent me this message the other day when he didn't show up at training:

    "can you please ask [my stepdad] to answer his mobile so I don't have to spend an hour finding out training is cancelled. I think your lack of communication with me over the kids is unsupportable."

    training wasn't cancelled, and he never call my step dad's mobile (no missed calls) so all lies because he just wanted to blame me for not turning up.

    just scrolling through a few other emails he's sent me in the last week...

    "Can I organise a time each day in the morning or evening so I can speak to the kids each day and please try to have conversations with other people about screening your calls. I yesterday, distinctly heard DD4 saying to DH2 That " mommy said we don't want to talk to daddy" Your Solicitor will receive those letters either tomorrow or Monday. I am now in my own place living alove in an environment that will be safe for the kids. I then would like to go back to having the kids on a Friday night and Sunday from 8.30. If Conor is too busy then I'll just take the other two. This is a right of mine under the family law agreement."

    that's a typical message from him I get weekly.. starts with 'can I please' and ends with 'right of mine'... he's messed up! oh and my oldest son said 'do you want to speak to daddy' to his brother and sister and they both said no. I wasn't even in the room I was in the next room but of course it's all my fault as usual. crazy.

    other messages are like this..

    "I want at least Monday and Wednesday. The no night visit is your right but I went through it with somebody the other and my rights are two 4 hour visits during the week and a 12 hour visit on the weekend. these rights you fought me for and I'm not going to let go of them. We would have to apply to the family courts for an ademendent"

    we he still hasn't organised the letters and did even phone last night.. so he's obvioulsy not worried about seeing them 'that' much.

    he's just so exhausting but it's gotten better for me now I screen his calls.. but I do feel he's very unstable.

  7. #7
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    Sounds like a huge headache is there no way to have the police or someone of authority commit him for evaluation to a mental hospital?

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lovemyfam View Post
    Sounds like a huge headache is there no way to have the police or someone of authority commit him for evaluation to a mental hospital?
    Well... this might freak you out but he's actually IN the police! he's not an officer (thankgoodness) but he's in a particular area of the police. The problem is I have no information about his mental condition other than what he's telling me and my strange interactions with him. He told me he had two pyschologists and was suffering post-traumatic stress and later said that his pyschologist wanted to sign himself into a mental hospital but he refused. Other than that I have on real information and ex won't provide it. Solicitor said to ride this out and not let him have unsupervised access till he provides those letters to confirm he's okay and the longer it is between lies/letters arriving the more I'm convinced I have no other choice.

    He was so angry with me about about doing all this that he threatened to cut the childsupport.. he can't do that but I got a letter yesterday saying his new taxable income has dropped (something dodgy right after he says all that).. I have to get him to sign another agreement or get him assessed by September otherwise it drops by $200 a month! they way things are going I very much doubt he'll sign another agreement!! meh.. hopefully I'll be working by then part time.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by murrythecat View Post
    Well... this might freak you out but he's actually IN the police! he's not an officer (thankgoodness) but he's in a particular area of the police. The problem is I have no information about his mental condition other than what he's telling me and my strange interactions with him. He told me he had two pyschologists and was suffering post-traumatic stress and later said that his pyschologist wanted to sign himself into a mental hospital but he refused. Other than that I have on real information and ex won't provide it. Solicitor said to ride this out and not let him have unsupervised access till he provides those letters to confirm he's okay and the longer it is between lies/letters arriving the more I'm convinced I have no other choice.

    He was so angry with me about about doing all this that he threatened to cut the childsupport.. he can't do that but I got a letter yesterday saying his new taxable income has dropped (something dodgy right after he says all that).. I have to get him to sign another agreement or get him assessed by September otherwise it drops by $200 a month! they way things are going I very much doubt he'll sign another agreement!! meh.. hopefully I'll be working by then part time.
    Well if he is lying about his income he either can't file taxes or will get caught and have arrears which they will then garnish wages. Can't you send an e-mail to his asking these things then atleast it is in writing

  10. #10
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    okay fellow single parent sufferes of stupid exhusbands.. grrrrrr...

    he gave my solicitor the letter from his pyschologist... but it didn't include anyo of the info he wa supposed to put in it. My solicitir isn't happy with it and said no go.. he needs to provide more info about what happened that week, if he's mentally fit and what drugs he is on. Ex rang my solicitor and actually lied to him so he was caught out himself (so nice to have somebody else experience the lying)... he told my solicitor a bunch of rubbish and pretty much said he's not going to have supervised visitation and that was all the info he was going to provide! My solicitor drafted a letter (with me on the phone) which was really tough.. omg couldn't believe the stuff he put in.. he pretty much called him a lier and said we knew about him being blacklisted in the past for prescription drug abuse etc.. (ex is going to hit the roof when he gets the letter)..

    so where we are at.. my solicitor's legal advice is to keep supervised visitation till ex provides proper info.

    ex refuses to provide proper info and just text me now to say he is refusing to have any contact with the kids or me at all (this was just after he told me I was making the children suffer through this by keeping their dad from them). I just suggested again that he can visit them at my place but he won't respond so assume that means no.

    oh and the solicitor is also charging me again for another letter.. so far I've had to spend about $850 (that includes the settlement and divorce and the letter over 2 years all of which could have been avoided if he had just been cooperative and sat down and discussed things with me). so now this letter is going to cost me more again (solicitor said he would keep the costs down considering the situation) but just had to spend a fortune on my car to keep it running so this could wipe out any savings I have left.. and ex is also still threatening to cut my child support over this (I know he can't atm but still stressing me out).

    On top of all that my 4 year old is possibly getting diagnosed with some level of aspergers but her 'symptoms' are getting worse so it's been really difficult..

    oh and did I say I was a post graduate student with 3 months left to go on my coures.. like I need this c**p from him... so unfair.. so fed up..

    alll up I think though, even with the cost and stress from ex, I'd be stupid to not take the lega advice and better stick to supervised visitation when ex feels like seeing his kids (if he feels like seeing them).


 

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