Pre teen issues with step father

**Lollie** · 18-03-2012 16:35

My eldest DS turns 10 in August and I have nothing but dramas with him when it comes to my husband. He doesn't listen and acts like a toddler whenever he's told to do something by DH and it irritates me to no end. I have spoken to him about his behaviour (and even took a triple P parenting course) but nothing seems to work. DS says that he just wants me and his father back together again (been 5 years since I was with the kids father) and I've had lengthy discussions about this issue with him. DH wants me to smack him and I refuse to which irritates DH because he thinks that Corey deserves to be punished in that way. It plays a big role in our relationship and I feel that I am caught in the middle all the time. I don't approve of Corey's behaviour and it makes me angry that there is nothing I can say to this child that will make him understand his behaviour is not acceptable.

Any advice is greatly appreciated

**Lovemyfam** · 18-03-2012 16:42

Could your ex talk to him? I was having trouble with my son and called his father and explained to him my issues and my ex told him to behave and how lucky he was to have this man in his life

**peanuthead** · 18-03-2012 16:43

Has the child had any sort of counselling to help him deal with the break up?

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**Cheerilee** · 18-03-2012 17:03

I am also re-partnered with two youngish children. Mine are 7 and 4. My DP and I have been together nearly 4 years.

They both drop hints about me getting back together with their father. I say Daddy and Mummy are friends that is all.

My DP does not do any disciplining with the children. He will re direct them but that is it. He always makes sure that he spends some fun time with them like hide and seek. This means that most of the time he spends with them is fun and positive.

He does parenty things as well like picking them up from school. Helping with homework and talks things like that.

I guess my advice would be instead of making mutal respect just about him and his stepfather make it about everyone. You DH also needs to respect him as well and that he obviously has some issues about you and you ex not being together any more. If your husband is resentful your son will pick up on it.

Do you get to spend any one on one time with your son? That may help as well.

ETA Maybe also make your husband into a friend for your son rather than a parental figure.

It is very hard I do feel for you

**Lollie** · 18-03-2012 18:40

DH is resentful, it radiates through so clear and obvious. When DH and I saw a counsellor, I told the shrink all of my issues with the way DH is with my kids and he agreed with me. He agreed that DH needed to back off and allow me to be the parent. He was good for a couple of weeks, but reverted back to being the controlling figure again. It's a constant battle with DH for him to get off his high horse and allow me to be the parent. I understand that it's a mutual thing and I am grateful that he helps out as much as he does but it annoys me that I don't even get a chance to be the parent. As soon as something happens, he's right there throwing his weight around.

DH maintains that Corey is my favourite. I don't have a favourite child, I love all of my children equally, it's just annoying that it 'seems' that he's constantly on Corey's case. I have told DH that if I ever have to choose between my kids and him, that my kids would be chosen. And I know it's not right to fight in front of the kids, but most times we do because I believe he needs to back off and he believes that he has every right to defend himself and his actions. And it's because he won't listen to what I'm saying that it becomes an argument. He thinks I'm defending Corey and his behaviour but I'm not, I'm just trying to get him to understand that he needs to allow me to be the parent. And if I don't believe in smacking, I should not be cursed at for my beliefs, he should be working with me in figuring out different solutions to discipline my son. Please tell me if I'm wrong?

I haven't gotten Corey into counselling but next chance I get I will be enquiring into it. The thing is, Corey also constantly lies about everything so I'm afraid that he will say something that isn't true to a counsellor that will land us in trouble, but I guess at the end of the day, I won't know if it will help if I don't try.

Just sick of the cr@p from both of them. It's really starting to take its toll on me.

**Cheerilee** · 18-03-2012 19:09

Originally Posted by Lollie

DH is resentful, it radiates through so clear and obvious. When DH and I saw a counsellor, I told the shrink all of my issues with the way DH is with my kids and he agreed with me. He agreed that DH needed to back off and allow me to be the parent. He was good for a couple of weeks, but reverted back to being the controlling figure again. It's a constant battle with DH for him to get off his high horse and allow me to be the parent. I understand that it's a mutual thing and I am grateful that he helps out as much as he does but it annoys me that I don't even get a chance to be the parent. As soon as something happens, he's right there throwing his weight around.

DH maintains that Corey is my favourite. I don't have a favourite child, I love all of my children equally, it's just annoying that it 'seems' that he's constantly on Corey's case. I have told DH that if I ever have to choose between my kids and him, that my kids would be chosen. And I know it's not right to fight in front of the kids, but most times we do because I believe he needs to back off and he believes that he has every right to defend himself and his actions. And it's because he won't listen to what I'm saying that it becomes an argument. He thinks I'm defending Corey and his behaviour but I'm not, I'm just trying to get him to understand that he needs to allow me to be the parent. And if I don't believe in smacking, I should not be cursed at for my beliefs, he should be working with me in figuring out different solutions to discipline my son. Please tell me if I'm wrong?

I haven't gotten Corey into counselling but next chance I get I will be enquiring into it. The thing is, Corey also constantly lies about everything so I'm afraid that he will say something that isn't true to a counsellor that will land us in trouble, but I guess at the end of the day, I won't know if it will help if I don't try.

Just sick of the cr@p from both of them. It's really starting to take its toll on me.

You are not wrong! You are exactly right! He should not be cursing you about your parenting decisions. He should be supporting you to implement the necessary changes to help your son!

I am so sorry you are caught in the middle. A horrible place to be especially between your husband and child

**Jakois** · 18-03-2012 19:40

I would be getting some family therapy organised ASAP. Your DS is probably mourning the split of his parents and being so young, he is likely having a tough time of dealing with his emotions.

**Lib77** · 18-03-2012 20:03

I agree seek out some counseling for your son...the counselor will pick up on the lies so don't worry to much about that side of things. Your DH is an adult so can deal with his emotions as he should but your son needs your help. I would put my foot down and tell DH to leave the room when you need to tell your son off and if need be remind him that the bottom line is he is YOUR son.

**twotrunks** · 18-03-2012 21:01

We have similar issues here ATM. it is a very common scenario known as polarized parenting, occurring in many many stepfamilies. The step family association have some helpful material and courses on it, they are worth getting in touch with. We haven't solved any problems here so cannot help really, other than to let you know it is not just you and your DH, it really is a common thing in step families and is something that can be fixed eventually.

**River Song** · 18-03-2012 21:09

i don't think you have a problem with your son at all...i think you have a problem with your DH.

Your DH wants to hit your son...your son knows this...do you blame him at all for not wanting much to do with him.

Your DH yells at you...your son sees the person he loves most in the world being yelled at...do you blame him for not liking him?

I got together with my DH when DS was 1. We have been married 5 years. I am still the main disciplinarian with DS...and to be honest prob will be with our shared DD. DS and DH have an amazing relationship. They do karate together, they do fun stuff together, DH makes sure the house rules are maintained. NEVER would he argue with me in front of DS and I avoid stepping in (i do if things get out of hand with raised voices) and NEVER would he want to hit a child!

You son is acting like a 10 year old...he is 10, so that is fine. Your Dh is acting like a 10 year old (or younger)...he is not a child, so that is NOT alright.