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  1. #1
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    Default What to expect

    My life is falling apart.

    As some may remember my ex gave me herpes after forcing himself upon me back in november, he then dumped me on my 30th and has abused me and used my herpes against me ever since.
    My best friend was also living with me and last month did a runner with another friends ex, she has left all her belongings and is uncontactable and obviously not paying rent anymore. I am now getting death threats of her new man and know of one time they have broken into my house so far.
    I'm a wreck.
    I'm scared to leave the house, yet I'm scared being home, I'm scared what will happen if I go to the cops, I'm sated what will happen if i don't.
    I'm a mess.
    I cry daily.
    I struggle with just the simple day to say tasks.
    Sunday, DDs birthday, after she went to her dads, I tried to take my life, it's not the first time, but the stress has given me an outbreak, I can't bring myself to get the medication I need, I didn't want to go on living this way, I still don't.
    Yesterday I fell in the heap and admitted what I'd done to my mum who took me to the doctors this morning.
    I am now under suicide watch and am having the cat team come out this afternoon to assess my safety and if I need to be hospitalised.
    I don't want to go to hospital, I want to be me again. I want to stay with my bubba girl. She's my only reason for living right now.
    I don't want to be hospitalised and risk never getting her back.
    I have been diagnosed border line bipolar before and was medicated, but they don't help me anymore, I take them and I'm still this mess.
    I hate living with this pain. Knowing it will never go away. Knowing I have this the rest of my life for the one time I thought someone respected me enough that I could say no.
    I hate that my best friend has turned on me knowing I'm going through this all because this guy gives her free drugs.
    I hate that my other friends are slowly disappearing cause they don't know how to handle me.
    I don't want this life, i was doing so good 12 months ago, now I'm an empty shell of who I once was, and I miss that girl.
    But if I cave and finally get the help I need, I risk losing the only thing that matters to me, my girl.
    Has anyone ever been in this position? I need help, any advice you can give. Please. I don't want to go on like this.

  2. #2
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    I have no experience with this but couldn't read without commenting.

    I'm so sorry for the things that have happened to you

  3. #3
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    I dont really know what to say but u need to stay positive ur daughter needs you and always will when u find ur mind wander to them thoughts try change it find what makes u most happy weather it be a thought or song and focus on that and regarding having herpes i know its not nice but its not life threating so thats good, you should get the book the secret it wil help u through life. Big hugs stay strong :-)

    Sent from my U20i using BubHub

  4. #4
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    Hugs. You have the right things happening, talking to your mum, going to the dr and having the cat team. Really sorry to hear this is happening to you! Lots of people have problems like you're having and don't lose their children. Embrace all the help you can get!

  5. #5
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    Im so sorry this is happening to you, and I can't begin to imagine the pain and stress you must be dealing with right now.

    It is so important that your daughter has a healthy, happy, coping mummy to look after her, and by reaching out as you have, you have taken the first step to doing better. Can your mum or someone else you trust look after her if you need to go to hospital to ease your stress?

    Maybe you could also visit the metal health section of the Hub - where you could get support from other parents who understand what you are going through.

    Huge, huge hugs.

  6. #6
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    The first step is admitting you have a problem and that's the hardest.
    Accept help. You need it. Your daughter wants you in her life as a happy person , not traumatized like this.
    Sending you a gazillion hugs xxxxxxx

  7. #7
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    Thanks for the support girls.

    My DD is the only reason I am getting help, she's my only reason left for living.

    Unfortunately if I get admitted she will have to go to her dads as my dad abused me as a child and is banned from contact with DD. my mum has offered to move in here if I was admitted but I think I'd feel safer if she was with her dad, however this then brings the risk of him not giving her back too easy. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do this for DD and risk losing permanent custody, but then if I continue like this I risk not being here to see her next birthday.

    I'm still waiting on the cat team to call, they said they would come out before 3, which only leaves an hour.

    Thanks again girls, I really hate this and the physical pain definitely doesn't help.

  8. #8
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    huge hugs to you sweety, first things first, get yourself all the help you need, your dd needs you to get better. You are her world, she only has 1 mum.

    As for the death threats, i'd definately report it to the police, and move if possible.. is it possible? you need to be in a safe place, no matter what.

    I really hope more than anything that everything ends up ok.. most importantly, don't be afraid to express your feelings, you will feel much better doing so..

  9. #9
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    Thanks minchi, unfortunately moving is not an option as I am currently unemployed and would not be accepted on any rentals based on my income.
    Another stress I can't deal with cause I hate living in this house now.

  10. #10
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    If you are really concerned about your dd being permanently at her dads would you trust your mum with her?


 

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