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  1. #1
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    Default How do you deal with a friend like this? (long)

    I have been having major problems with , my friend A since December of last year and I am wondering how to deal with her.

    A bit of Background. A has 4 kids to K and 2 of them are in foster care till 18 and the youngest 2 have involvement with Families SA. A has been told by Families SA that she cant have the kids if she ever breaks up with K and that if she has another baby whilst single it will be removed from her at birth due to their concerns about her caring for the baby on her own.

    In December of last year A was cheating on K the father of her kids with a guy called E and when K found out that she was in a relationship with E via Facebook K threw her out. I said that A could stay with me as long as she wanted until she found a place of her own to live. A agreed and offered to pay me $150 a fortnight in board. A ended up never spending a single night at my place instead she decided to spend every single with her new bloke E because she had to get to "know him" and that she didn't have to stay at my place if she didn't want to. After a week I got fed up with A not staying here at all and just using my place as storage of her belongings so I asked her to collect her belongings and leave. She also refused to pay me the $150 board because I threw her out. I told her she was supposed to stay here as that's how it works and I bought extra food because I assumed she was going to stay here with me and eat with me etc. She ended up leaving some photos of her kids here and I have been holding them as collateral until I am paid in full. so far I have been paid $100 begrudgingly.

    In January A calls me and tells me she is pregnant to E and that she plans to keep the baby to him. I told her that she has to realise that with all the past involvement with Families SA that it is highly likely that Families SA will remove the child from her at birth. A reckoned that that was not going to happen and she and E moved in together. Within a week A and E had split up. Then in less than a week she and E got back together, then a few days later they split up permanently. A then decides to go and have an abortion on February 14th because she knows what will happen if she doesn't. The abortion doesn't happen because the hospital have told her that she was 13 weeks and over kg s in weight so she would have to go to Woodville clinic. She is now 17 weeks and she still hasn't got round to having anything done as she has been apparently waiting for the clinic to give her a call back with an appointment, when she only has up till 20 weeks before she cant have it done.

    Things came to a head on Thursday when I asked her to pay me the remainder of the board she owed me because it has been 2 months and that was long enough to pay me back. We agreed to meet up at the train station near her house the next day and I would be paid back in full. Less than 24 hours later she texts me and says i will have to wait until Tuesday to get my money back. By this time i am very cross with her as how can u go from having money to pay me back, then in less than 24 hours not. I send her a txt message saying she better pay me back on Tuesday as I would hate for the friendship to end over a debt that she hasn't paid me back. I didn't hear anything from her for 2 days and I left a status on Facebook saying I wish people would pay off there debts to people when they keep failing to deliver on promises and lie about paying me back. Boy did she let me have it saying i could f-off and that her kids came first and that debts would come last. I replied saying its been 2 months since u promised to repay me the remainder of the money and that u cant use your kids as an excuse not to pay me back since they aren't in her care and that she has barely seen them in 3 months. Since her ex there her out. several people agreed with me telling her to just pay me back n stop making excuses. I even found out I'm not the only person she owes money too she owes some one else $1200.

    I then get a call last night from K saying that he will pay me back on her behalf. I just cant believe she is getting K to pay me back on her behalf basically being her get out of jail free card. I mean if i owe a friend money i pay it back within a month even if its in instalments, she hasn't made a single effort to instead she says she will but when the time comes it doesn't happen and she ends up lying to me

    The money and the stuff to do with the baby has really made me rethink my friendship with her as everything I have done for her has literally been thrown back in my face. Its like I was good enough when she had been thrown out by K but now i am not good enough after all the help I gave her. Its sad that a friendship has to end over money but its not my fault that she hasn't paid me back is it?

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    I would have been questioning the friendship long before she owed you $50!!!!

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    No its not your fault that she hasnt paid you back. But unfortunately I proably wouldn't have got into the position where she owes you money in the 1st place. Only because you know her history, she is unreliable to her children and ex so being reliable to a friend wouldn't worry her.

    I think its very said for all the children involved. Poor things. She needs a real wake up call, unfortunately I don't think she will ever change (given the fact that her children have been removed and she still plans to have more knowing they will too)

    I would suggest breaking ties with her. She isn't healthy for you. If she finds it in her heart to pay you back one day then great but i wouldn't unfortunately hold your breath. As for taking the money from K, I probably wouldn't. Its not really his debt to pay and he has the children to look after and maybe it would cripple him a bit if he paid back her debt. Of course you know the situation best so you would know what is appropriate and whats not.

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    I'd write the $50 off. It's only $50 and yes you bought extra food but you still would have the extra food to eat yourself...thus buying less food next time you went shopping so really you're not losing out. You're not going to get your money....well maybe from K...but not from her. I would also write your friendship off and feel sorry for her. Sorry that she's obviously incapable of keeping her kids, If she can't even keep her kids, how do you expect her to pay her bills and be responsible in other areas?

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    First off you sound like a great friend to have inviting her into your home in time of need. It's pretty Dodgy of her to continuously make excuses to you about the money she owes you. Money & friends don't mix imo. She sounds like she doesn't have her priorities right staying with a guy when she already has a place to stay where she is meant to pay board for in the first place. If you are feeling used as a friend then i it was me in your position I probably would cut all ties with her and leave it at that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by 1CrazyMoose View Post
    No its not your fault that she hasnt paid you back. But unfortunately I proably wouldn't have got into the position where she owes you money in the 1st place. Only because you know her history, she is unreliable to her children and ex so being reliable to a friend wouldn't worry her.

    I think its very said for all the children involved. Poor things. She needs a real wake up call, unfortunately I don't think she will ever change (given the fact that her children have been removed and she still plans to have more knowing they will too)

    I would suggest breaking ties with her. She isn't healthy for you. If she finds it in her heart to pay you back one day then great but i wouldn't unfortunately hold your breath. As for taking the money from K, I probably wouldn't. Its not really his debt to pay and he has the children to look after and maybe it would cripple him a bit if he paid back her debt. Of course you know the situation best so you would know what is appropriate and whats not.
    I agree with everything said above.

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    Hi, I was put in a similar situation, friend got stuffed around & needed money to feed her son, I loaned it to her she kept makinb excuses & never gave it back, its been almost 1 yr. Anyway she was one of my bridesmaids but I didnt want her there. but now we dont talk and im much better off

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    Quote Originally Posted by 1CrazyMoose View Post
    No its not your fault that she hasnt paid you back. But unfortunately I proably wouldn't have got into the position where she owes you money in the 1st place. Only because you know her history, she is unreliable to her children and ex so being reliable to a friend wouldn't worry her.

    I think its very said for all the children involved. Poor things. She needs a real wake up call, unfortunately I don't think she will ever change (given the fact that her children have been removed and she still plans to have more knowing they will too)

    I would suggest breaking ties with her. She isn't healthy for you. If she finds it in her heart to pay you back one day then great but i wouldn't unfortunately hold your breath. As for taking the money from K, I probably wouldn't. Its not really his debt to pay and he has the children to look after and maybe it would cripple him a bit if he paid back her debt. Of course you know the situation best so you would know what is appropriate and whats not.
    Spot on.

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    I have come to realise how toxic she is as according to K about 65-80% of what comes out of her mouth is a lie. I feel really sorry for her kids and I cant believe she managed to get K to agree to pay off a debt that is not even his. K is a really nice bloke n I apologised to him for her getting him involved with this.

    It's like she has no remorse for what she has done wrong and she even wants me to apologise for telling her to put her debts first and not use her kids as an excuse.

    I want to write her a letter telling her that I can no longer be friends with her and how i feel but im nor sure what to say as i have never really had to cut ties with a friend before.

  13. #10
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    Forget the money. Give her back her photos. Cease contact.

    I know it sounds pretty glib, but that's what I would have done AGES ago. Don't write her a letter. Send her a text message if you absolutely have to, saying that you're sorry but the friendship isn't positive for either of you anymore. But just stop talking to her.

    People like that aren't worth your time, and friends very rarely make good housemates.
    Sometimes "only $50" is a lot of money, depending on your situation. But I think in this case that that $50 isn't worth the angst.

    Let it go, let her go, and don't respond to childish nonsense on FB (OR post status updates yourself). Be the bigger person and avoid it all by just not engaging.
    Good luck

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