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  1. #1
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    Question Lost and needing advice on our egg donation journey

    Hi all

    This is my first time posting so sorry if I have done this wrong

    To cut a long story short I am looking to start an egg donation journey. After many failed IVF cycles we now are facing the reality that we need to commence an egg donation journey as I have a low ovarian reserve. I think an egg donation may help us as I have had a missed miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy so I think I have the potential to get pregnant just the wrong ingreadients to do the job myself.

    My younger sister....on my 6th IVF cycle that didn't work in the middle of 2011....took me to lunch and offered to help by donating eggs. She is 6 years younger and has completed her family. I was relieved but of course keen to keep trying for myself til the very end. We went on to have another fresh then frozen cycle before the FS told us it was time to stop and look into donation. Straight away my sisters offer came to mind! We talked about her with the FS and he said she sounded ideal.

    Keen to get the ball rolling I went for lunch with my sister soon after and feeling very awkward asked if she was serious about donating her eggs because our jouney was over. She indicated she was and I gave her the booklet and forms etc...for what to expect. She grabbed it all and basically rushed for the door...not the outcome I guess I had been hoping for but I had just dumped a lot of news and info on her so thought it best to let her process it all. Well it has been 3 months and she hasn't bought it up and neither have I. We see each other fairly regularly and talk on the phone at least a couple of times a week but I feel like she has just left me hanging. I know I have to say something but I don't want her to feel pressured or obliged. My husband, when I told him I had asked her and how she had bolted for the door, told me at the time that he was pretty certain from her actions that she is not keen to be involved but probably doesn't know how to tell me. I just wonder why she offered back when I was cycling and now that it is crunch time she is seemingly off the radar?!?

    I guess I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this and what is the best way to move forward. I love my sister and have no problems with her decision to not be a donor because I know how difficult the process will be but her not committing one way or the other is starting to tear me apart. Obviously she is my preferred donor option but the more time that passes the older I am getting and the further away my dreams of making a family with my husband are getting. I guess it has got to the point now that I don't even feel like talking to her about what is going on....as they say actions speak louder than words. She knows how long and hard we have been trying for a family so maybe for the sake of our relationship it would be best for me to leave her out of our journey and not bring it up with her again and instead focus on finding someone who is committed to truly helping us. I just don't know and I don't want it to be more awkward or hard on us or anyone around us than it already seems.

    I just feel so isolated in this situation even though I know that many, many other couples have faced the donor journey. I just so wish that I could do it myself instead of having to rely on others but I guess it is what it is. I just feel like I am endlessly grieving and no one can see the pain I am in. I grieve for not being the wife my husband deserves, I grieve for the lost babies that I will never get to meet, I grieve for the lost time and money spent on IVF journeys, I grieve for my womanhood that has never blossomed the way I thought and expected it would, I grieve for putting my sister in a difficukt position. We kept our cycles secret for so long after trying naturally for so long. I guess I didn't want to be seen as a failure which is what I now feel like. It was hard to tell my family that we had been doing IVF (they only know of the last 3 rounds) and the thought of opening up and trying to find a donor....well if family have been unable to cope then what hope is there of finding someone else?

    Thankyou to anyone who reads this.

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    laned  (20-03-2012)

  3. #2
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    I wish I could help. I am the recipient of a donor egg form my sister. My other sister was also willing to donate but we didn't need hers as I now have a son 10 months old. Nothing is a huge as this. It's big. You really need to talk to your sister and know where she is at. Maybe suggest as a first step you just go to counseling which is mandatory and you can nut out a few things. Maybe agreeing to a counseling session is a less of a big step than agreeing to go ahead with donation. I tried 3 cycles befor my FS said to go to donor. I have low AMH as well. You can read my TTC diary which goes through the whole story from very beginning, my ivf cycles, my sisters stepping in and the conception and pregnancy of my boy.

    Good luck, please go and just talk to your sister. I hope it all works out.

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    Marcellina  (11-03-2012)

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    Thanks Lilypily. Your advice and message were very helpful to me. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond

  6. #4
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    It could be that your sister suggested the idea without really properly considering it and now has thought more about it and doesn't know how to say that she doesn't want to do it.
    I feel for you honestly, but whilst you find a way to discuss this with her I strongly recommend looking for another donor. That way if it all falls through and she says she doesn't want to do it, you can say "that's fine, we're working on another donor" so that she doesn't feel like she has to do it to make you happy.
    Keeping your relationship with her is probably the most important thing in this, so you don't want any recrimination or guilt about the situation.
    Good luck, I hope things work out for you!

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using BubHub

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    Marcellina  (12-03-2012)

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    Marcellina,
    I am also the recipient of donor eggs from my sister and while she also spontaneously offered to donate to us, I remember the heart wrenching time of waiting to see if it would come to fruition when it came to 'crunch time', and in particular whether her DH would agree. It is tough being in this place of respecting their right to decide not to proceed, with your gratitude they would even entertain the idea and at the end of it all, is the hope that you will finally have a baby of your own. In our situation the counselling process and medical consult really helped all 4 of us to be sure about the process and we were able to move forward.

    I agree with the others that you do need to talk to her and know where you stand at least for the sake of your relationship. I always said to my sister even during the counselling that I appreciated her even considering giving me this gift and it was ok if they decided it wasn't for them as we did have other options like local or overseas ED. Good luck and if you are looking for other avenues of support or more info during this challenging time have a look at www.eggdonationaustralia.com.au

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    Marcellina  (12-03-2012)

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    Thankyou so much for replying Eko and Starfish

    Eko, I think you may be right . It was one thing for her to offer but the reality of the situation is now a big deal and she is probably just hoping to let it slide. I guess it's time for me to just bite the bullet and find out from her one way or another whether she wants to be involved .

    Maybe if she is in two minds I should ask if she would like to come to counselling as has been suggested. I know they offer a lot of that with the egg donation program but wonder if my clinic offers it before you pay any $$$....I guess I will need to make some enquiries and find out.

    Thankyou Starfish for the virual hugs It is wonderful that you are undertaking your egg donation with your sister and I wish both the very best. I have just joined the other website you mentioned but have yet to post but it looks very helpful and infomative and I am sure it will help me now that we find ourselves at this stage of our journey.

    In regards to other options I have been realistic about not putting all my hopes on my sisters shoulders even though that is what I have been holding out hope for. A family friend is one other option my husband and I have discussed (have yet to approach and given my success to date might need some pointers on the best way to do this ) and in trawling the internet I see that you can do egg donations in other countries with donors pre-approved!?! I also have joined the aussie egg donors and will most likely advertise there if my husband feels comofortable with that....it would be nice to find someone who can help closer to home if possible but I'm realistic. This is getting tough now. Its not about just us anymore. There may not be a "perfect" solution. Hell....there may not be any solution I've thought about that too I guess its just a matter of taking things one step at a time and doing what is right for us and our situation - emotional, mental, physical, spititual, financial and everything else.

    Thankyou again ladies and I will most likely keep you posted on progress if that is okay?

    M

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    Would love to hear how you go.. Please keep us informed.

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    I'd definitely talk to her about it before you seek out someone else. She might be upset if she found out later you used someone else's eggs. Could there be another explanation why she hasn't mentioned it. Perhaps she is pregnant herself?

    Don't give up hope in finding a donor elsewhere if need be, I heard the success rate is very high if you advertise online. I have donated my eggs (one cycle) and a gorgeous boy was born to the couple last August. I found my recipient here on the hub .

    I wish you the best of luck .

  13. #9
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    Oh Marcellina, you poor thing, your story really made me stop and think. I wish there was something I could say to make things better. I am sure that what you are feeling is a natural response to the whole situation but you should not feel like a failure or less of a wife. You sound like you have a great relationship (after everything you have been through together some couples would not make it)and that is something to be very proud of. We have a natural need and desire to have a family it is a force so strong that it can take over. So feeling the way you do is natural but not good for you! I also think you are right that your sister maybe liked the idea of being able to help you but when it came to the crunch?! it wont harm to explore the councelling or other avenues for donors, the more people that know you are looking the better chance you have of finding someone to help. May also be worth you puttng your profile on Pride Angel? I used them also to find a donor. I wish you well and hope that things take a turn for the better, let us know how you are. Hugs xxx

  14. #10
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    Hi
    I really wish I could help ,but all I can say hope things work out for you and I wish the best of luck to find your angel to fulfill your dream .
    Crescent.
    __________________________________________________ ________________
    We would love and pray to find our angel egg donor to have that miracle baby A much wanted child to fulfill our dream.


 

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