This is my first time posting so sorry if I have done this wrong
To cut a long story short I am looking to start an egg donation journey. After many failed IVF cycles we now are facing the reality that we need to commence an egg donation journey as I have a low ovarian reserve. I think an egg donation may help us as I have had a missed miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy so I think I have the potential to get pregnant just the wrong ingreadients to do the job myself.
My younger sister....on my 6th IVF cycle that didn't work in the middle of 2011....took me to lunch and offered to help by donating eggs. She is 6 years younger and has completed her family. I was relieved but of course keen to keep trying for myself til the very end. We went on to have another fresh then frozen cycle before the FS told us it was time to stop and look into donation. Straight away my sisters offer came to mind! We talked about her with the FS and he said she sounded ideal.
Keen to get the ball rolling I went for lunch with my sister soon after and feeling very awkward asked if she was serious about donating her eggs because our jouney was over. She indicated she was and I gave her the booklet and forms etc...for what to expect. She grabbed it all and basically rushed for the door...not the outcome I guess I had been hoping for but I had just dumped a lot of news and info on her so thought it best to let her process it all. Well it has been 3 months and she hasn't bought it up and neither have I. We see each other fairly regularly and talk on the phone at least a couple of times a week but I feel like she has just left me hanging. I know I have to say something but I don't want her to feel pressured or obliged. My husband, when I told him I had asked her and how she had bolted for the door, told me at the time that he was pretty certain from her actions that she is not keen to be involved but probably doesn't know how to tell me. I just wonder why she offered back when I was cycling and now that it is crunch time she is seemingly off the radar?!?
I guess I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this and what is the best way to move forward. I love my sister and have no problems with her decision to not be a donor because I know how difficult the process will be but her not committing one way or the other is starting to tear me apart. Obviously she is my preferred donor option but the more time that passes the older I am getting and the further away my dreams of making a family with my husband are getting. I guess it has got to the point now that I don't even feel like talking to her about what is going on....as they say actions speak louder than words. She knows how long and hard we have been trying for a family so maybe for the sake of our relationship it would be best for me to leave her out of our journey and not bring it up with her again and instead focus on finding someone who is committed to truly helping us. I just don't know and I don't want it to be more awkward or hard on us or anyone around us than it already seems.
I just feel so isolated in this situation even though I know that many, many other couples have faced the donor journey. I just so wish that I could do it myself instead of having to rely on others but I guess it is what it is. I just feel like I am endlessly grieving and no one can see the pain I am in. I grieve for not being the wife my husband deserves, I grieve for the lost babies that I will never get to meet, I grieve for the lost time and money spent on IVF journeys, I grieve for my womanhood that has never blossomed the way I thought and expected it would, I grieve for putting my sister in a difficukt position. We kept our cycles secret for so long after trying naturally for so long. I guess I didn't want to be seen as a failure which is what I now feel like. It was hard to tell my family that we had been doing IVF (they only know of the last 3 rounds) and the thought of opening up and trying to find a donor....well if family have been unable to cope then what hope is there of finding someone else?
Thankyou to anyone who reads this.