Iv'e felt that way too, that my mum, in particular, would prefer if I forgot about the first 19 years if my life. She would cry and carry on and make it about herself if I brought it up. She's never EVER apologised for any of it yet she expected me to forgive her and claim that she doesn't answer to me, rather she answers to God. Many many many things. She somehow always put it back onto me...making out that I was a difficult child and she had depression etc etc
I spend my whole 20's doing this and getting angrier and angrier until one day I gave to myself what she couldnt' give. I wrote myself a letter from her saying all the things she did and how horrible it was and how I didn't deserve any of it and how she'd like to make up for it. Why? Because I rang lifeline out of desperation once and said to me that perhaps I'll never get what I want from her and that maybe it's time to come to terms with that and accept it. Accept that she will never see it, that she will never acknowledge it or validate it or any of that. I had to just accept that she is incapable or unwilling (or both) to give me what I need and that I needed to start giving me what I needed. Hence the letter.
So yeh, I accepted it (never forgotten) but now I look at her and I don't feel anger or hatred towards her at all. I think I've finally forgiven her but it wasn't about her...it was about me (as you said) and the focus wasn't really on 'forgiveness' per se but rather my focus was more on accepting that I wasn't going to get what I needed FROM HER! Simple as that. I can b!tch and moan about it. I can get angry and stomp my feet. I can cry and feel sorry for myself all I like....but she will never give me what I need so I just had to get up, dust myself off....and accept it!
We still talk, in fact I, out of all her children, am the only one who has been there and supported her through a very traumatic time. I seem to be the one who understands and doesn't judge her. That's not to say we are close....we're not....I see her as a friend or just someone who's having a hard time right now,,,,more than I see her as a mother. Sound's bad but I've accepted that that's how it is...and there's nothing I can do about it other than getting on with my life and not shedding one more tear over her, because she's not worth my tears.
Hope this helps