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  1. #1
    AndrewTheEmu is offline Bubhub Ambassador - tongue in cheek
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    Default When an issue with family members, becomes an issue with yourself.

    *warning- this is going to be long and possibly disturbing.*

    Ive had issues with my family all my life and i dont want to have them any more.

    Ive been googling forgivness, something that ive always thought i had an abnormal amount of, but i have recently discovered i lack the ability to forgive my family.

    Ive read that forgiving people doesnt mean your okay with what theyve done, doesnt mean that you condone their behaviour, only that your freeing yourself from the burden yada yada yada it makes no sense to me.. well logicially it does, i get that once you forgive someone it feels better and thats why you do it, but HOW, i dont know now i rambling.

    its gotten to the point where i just dont want to be around my family. Its not really things that they do now (well.. it is a little bit) but more so that they little things they do now, dig that knife in a little deeper and it re hashes all the bad things theyve done to me in the past.

    I lost it over the phone at mum about 4 years ago, she cried, i cried, everyone cried, she said sorry and then things were strained and then they became good for a while.

    But has time went on, its almost like that one appology (which was a BIG deal at the time) doesnt mean anything anymore. Its almost like I need her to say sorry every second time i see her. I know thats not fair. If i did something terrible and I was sorry for it, I would want my loved ones to eventually forgive me, but id also probably understand if they couldnt, but what i certinally wouldnt tolerate is them expecting an apology every time they saw me for the rest of my life.

    what do I do?

    How can I forgive and forget?

    I carry such a deep seeded sorrow and deep seeded anger for what my parents put me through growing up that I just cant shake it. It plays in my head like a broken record. Id LIKE to say that they didnt know any better, that they were doing their best, that they did what they THOUGHT was best etc etc, but the absolute truth of the matter is that they actually didnt care for me, they didnt like me, they didnt feel any warmth towards me and they really didnt love me. They really didnt.

    I know thats hard for some people to believe, as 'every parent loves their child' but mine really didnt love me.

    They verbally abused me, locked me in my room for days, drilled it into one day after the next that i was nothing, that they hated me (and YES, my step dad ACTUALLY used to HISS that at me regularly) that i was stupid/fat/ungreatful (and really i was never and have never become any of those things)

    I was a straight A student yet my parents would tell me to 'shut up' because i was too stupid to know what i was talking about, I ate alot as a child but never became fat and i always said please and thankyou but that was never enough, they always wanted more but would never tell me exactly what they wanted/needed me to do.

    My parents are not poor. We are not low socioeconomic. We are all educated so please dont think we were bogans living in the sticks, on drugs, etc becasue we were not, have not, will not. My parents always had well paying careers they are just horrible people.

    How do you forgive inteligant, horrible people who hated you all your life?

    Now that youve grown up and can support yourself and have a family and dont need anything ever, NOW we'd like to have a chat (but about us, never about you, dont ever expect us to ask or care about anything going on in your life ever because we'll just back off again) We'll be nice to you now your big enough to defend yourself, and listen to you (talk about us) because your an adult and it polite. but its be great if you could just pretend the first 18 years of your life never happened.. thanks.

    hmm..

    Can anyone else see my delima?

    I dont want to hate them forever. Its hard and it hurts.

    I actually want to be loved by my family but I dont think i ever will be.
    My siblings are nuts, ones a psycopath and the other is a self centered rude mouthed moron (not entirely their faults based on our up bringing) I seem to be the only one that turned out some what normal (you know, apart from the underlying complete lack of self worth)

    Ive tried to cut them out of my life but then I have no one. I feel like its better to have them then not. Is that just bilogical? I love my mum dispite all the horrible things she let happen to me and thats even harder.

    How do I make my life easier?

    How do i teach myself to forgive the unforgiveable?

    Im so sorry this was so long, it all came out like word vomit.

  2. #2
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    Gosh I honestly dont know what to say but I couldnt read and not reply. It sounds you are really struggling with this and I totally empathise with you. This sounds like something that might need a trained provessional to deal with. Im so sad vor the little child in you who had to suvver such horrible things. I wish I could hug you.

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    AndrewTheEmu  (07-03-2012),MegaGuts  (08-03-2012)

  4. #3
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    Oh sweetheart !

    You are such an amazing person. I love reading your posts and I think you are extra amazing now that I read what you have been through.

    Maybe seeing a counsellor could help? How do you feel about that?

    Be kind to yourself beautiful Mum

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    AndrewTheEmu  (07-03-2012)

  6. #4
    Allymumtobe's Avatar
    Allymumtobe is offline Winner 2012 - Most Optimistic Poster
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    I agree I can't read and not reply. There is clearly nothing wrong with you. Some counseling for yourself might help but it sounds you might be better off if you build a support network who are not your family around you. Big hugs!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Allymumtobe View Post
    I agree I can't read and not reply. There is clearly nothing wrong with you. Some counseling for yourself might help but it sounds you might be better off if you build a support network who are not your family around you. Big hugs!
    Oh my goodness, I read that as "there is clearly something wrong with you" and thought that that was going a bit far!

    OP . You sound like an amazing person who has had horrible horrible things happen to you at the hands of people who are supposed to love you and take care of you. I am not suprised that you don't want to be around them now. And I can see how hard and exhausting it must be to hate them. It sounds like you have some decisions to make about how to move forward.......would you consider seeing a professional (counsellor/psychologist) for some assistance in this? Or do you have close friends that might be able to help you work through some of the thoughts you are having?

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    I would highly recommend a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, my psychologist recommended it to me.
    I think it could help you, it's helped me understand a lot of things about me, l grew up with a toxic parent.

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  12. #7
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    I got to a point with my father and step mother where I realised the relationship was toxic and nothing was ever going to fix it. No amount of apologizing would ever mitigate all what had happend.

    This is my story and maybe you also have to consider that the relationship is toxic and irreparable.

    The relief for me once I'd made this decision was incredible. It wasn't about an inability to forgive or forget, but that the differences were insurmountable.

    I hope you can find peace with your decision no matter which way you go

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    I couldn't read without replying either. I am about to rush out the door but that sounds really horrible. I can definitely understand how it is a hard thing for you to "forgive". I have no advice on how to do that either. But plenty of hugs

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    AndrewTheEmu  (07-03-2012)

  16. #9
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    I couldve written that word for word. Only my mother won't ackowledge one thing about my childhood and actually continuously tells me it was fantastic and she now wants to run parenting courses. This coming from a woman who told me at 13 if I didn't have sex with my 'boyfriend' he would find someone better. Told me it was my fault after a sexual assault and also blamed me for my childhood sexual abuse because she asked me and i said no. My family are also 'wealthy'.

    Honestly op I don't have a solution for you. I've cut them out a few times. The last three years I have lived in a house they own so I've had to agree with their lies and be around my mum. But since having dd (she invited herself to my birth, as in went to the hospital and then abused me and dp the whole time) I look at her and want to tear her to peices honestly. And she has now kicked us out because she wasn't getting her way.

    I don't a lot of therapy. A lot of role play and alternative type self parebting courses. They helped me a lot and I seen my parents in a different light. But honestly that's all gone to sh/t so who knows if it ever even worked.

    Sorry I don't have advice but pm me if you ever want an understanding ear.


    Baby wearing, co-sleeping, booby feeding mummy to one

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    AndrewTheEmu  (07-03-2012)

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    Etienne - Hugs to you too


 

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