*warning- this is going to be long and possibly disturbing.*
Ive had issues with my family all my life and i dont want to have them any more.
Ive been googling forgivness, something that ive always thought i had an abnormal amount of, but i have recently discovered i lack the ability to forgive my family.
Ive read that forgiving people doesnt mean your okay with what theyve done, doesnt mean that you condone their behaviour, only that your freeing yourself from the burden yada yada yada it makes no sense to me.. well logicially it does, i get that once you forgive someone it feels better and thats why you do it, but HOW, i dont know now i rambling.
its gotten to the point where i just dont want to be around my family. Its not really things that they do now (well.. it is a little bit) but more so that they little things they do now, dig that knife in a little deeper and it re hashes all the bad things theyve done to me in the past.
I lost it over the phone at mum about 4 years ago, she cried, i cried, everyone cried, she said sorry and then things were strained and then they became good for a while.
But has time went on, its almost like that one appology (which was a BIG deal at the time) doesnt mean anything anymore. Its almost like I need her to say sorry every second time i see her. I know thats not fair. If i did something terrible and I was sorry for it, I would want my loved ones to eventually forgive me, but id also probably understand if they couldnt, but what i certinally wouldnt tolerate is them expecting an apology every time they saw me for the rest of my life.
what do I do?
How can I forgive and forget?
I carry such a deep seeded sorrow and deep seeded anger for what my parents put me through growing up that I just cant shake it. It plays in my head like a broken record. Id LIKE to say that they didnt know any better, that they were doing their best, that they did what they THOUGHT was best etc etc, but the absolute truth of the matter is that they actually didnt care for me, they didnt like me, they didnt feel any warmth towards me and they really didnt love me. They really didnt.
I know thats hard for some people to believe, as 'every parent loves their child' but mine really didnt love me.
They verbally abused me, locked me in my room for days, drilled it into one day after the next that i was nothing, that they hated me (and YES, my step dad ACTUALLY used to HISS that at me regularly) that i was stupid/fat/ungreatful (and really i was never and have never become any of those things)
I was a straight A student yet my parents would tell me to 'shut up' because i was too stupid to know what i was talking about, I ate alot as a child but never became fat and i always said please and thankyou but that was never enough, they always wanted more but would never tell me exactly what they wanted/needed me to do.
My parents are not poor. We are not low socioeconomic. We are all educated so please dont think we were bogans living in the sticks, on drugs, etc becasue we were not, have not, will not. My parents always had well paying careers they are just horrible people.
How do you forgive inteligant, horrible people who hated you all your life?
Now that youve grown up and can support yourself and have a family and dont need anything ever, NOW we'd like to have a chat (but about us, never about you, dont ever expect us to ask or care about anything going on in your life ever because we'll just back off again) We'll be nice to you now your big enough to defend yourself, and listen to you (talk about us) because your an adult and it polite. but its be great if you could just pretend the first 18 years of your life never happened.. thanks.
Can anyone else see my delima?
I dont want to hate them forever. Its hard and it hurts.
I actually want to be loved by my family but I dont think i ever will be.
My siblings are nuts, ones a psycopath and the other is a self centered rude mouthed moron (not entirely their faults based on our up bringing) I seem to be the only one that turned out some what normal (you know, apart from the underlying complete lack of self worth)
Ive tried to cut them out of my life but then I have no one. I feel like its better to have them then not. Is that just bilogical? I love my mum dispite all the horrible things she let happen to me and thats even harder.
How do I make my life easier?
How do i teach myself to forgive the unforgiveable?
Im so sorry this was so long, it all came out like word vomit.