Unwanted advice - what do you do?

[Tamaralee]

Hi Rachael,

My two grandmothers have given me some cracker advice! One of them (who is an old-school farm girl) seems to think that a drop of Brandy is the solution to all of life's problems. I love nan, but I know what she's going to say everytime she offers up advice.... "you know what helps with wind?.. you know what I did for my kids when they had colic?... you what helps with teething?..." the answer?... " a little drop of Brandy..." Ok... thanks nan... I might lay off the alcohol til she's say... 18? My other grandmother (whose advice just plain makes me mad!) has told me ridiculous things like, when my bub was 6 weeks old and was feeding lots because she was going through a growth spurt, had the hide to say "your feeding her too much... look at those rolls, she's fat. Offer her some water instead- don't you know that breast milk is food??" OMG did I have to bite down on my tounge. My answer to that particular Nan's advice always starts "yeah, well the doctor said..." not that the doctor has said anything, but I know I'm right and it shuts her up! Hmmm... I also HATE the fact that if she makes even the faintest squawk someone somewhere is bound to say... "must be getting close to dinner time?".... AARRRRGGGGHHH!!!! Is that everyone's answer to everything? Do they honestly think I'm going to say "you know what, you might be right! I haven't fed her all day! Maybe that's why she's upset?!" God forbid that a baby cry! Don't these people realise that crying is a babies only way to communicate? It drives me nuts and I have to say that if I'm a little frazzled at the time and someone makes a comment then there might just be a little adult tanty on the way as well! Advice for new parents?.. well given I'm a new mum myself I don't want to give out too much, but what I would say to myself if I could go back in time is "trust that you are going to do what's best for your bub and that it is a learning experience for both of you. Each day gets better - not easier, but you get better at handling it-, ummm.... if someone's advice makes you feel like a **** mum then it's not good advice!...have someone that you love/trust/respect that you can talk to purely for support (my mum is great for that and has never given me advice unless I have asked for it). Hmmm.... I didn't realise that question would make me vent so much! That was fun. I've loved reading other people's responses aswell...

Tamara

[twitch]

Us May Mummy's started a thread on this. It's not really parenting advice, but the advice we're getting before we've even given birth. Hope it helps.

http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/f...ad.php?t=48786

[LilShenanigans]

Depends on the 'advice' and the person... lol

Whilst pregnant I scowled at anyone who talked to me, so advice went in one ear and out the other.

My dad was on my case when DD was very young about how I should be setting a routine, that DD should sleep in her own bed etc.
I tried a routine feeding, and DD and myself got very angry about that. The fact she stayed in my bed was a safety concern, I never really woke up when she cried and it was safer to have her in my bed incase something happened whilst in a 'sleeping walking' state of mind.
My dad persisted the the routine idea, and I told him off - yelling at him more like. Was very stressed out and didn't need his BS.
He's stopped giving me advice now!

I've had one older generation style mother of my friends say kids need a good smacking to keep them inline. I started having a go at her as I am against physical harm, she tried arguing but I brought out the 'personal files' on my upbringing and told her to have a good hard look at me and ask herself whether she wants a screw up like me for a grand daughter!

Recently I've had people offering their tips on how to get DD to sleep. Most of the time I've smiled and nodded, but one lady kept offering the same ideas everyone else has, all day!
I asked her whether she considered at all that I, as my DD's mother, honestly wouldn't have tried all of the above, all the future ideas she had and all the crazy ideas the voices in my head have already offered??
I think I scared her with that...

I've had the usual people saying DD need's a feed when out and about... again, depends on the person and my mood.
For most women it's usually "Oh, really?? I've got to feed it now??"
For men, it's "Oh, then can you hold her for a second while I pop my booby out??" lol

lol I think the only way to survive these people is with a sick sense of humour and the ability to laugh at yourself... Oh and the ability to keep a straight face when talking to them!

[Honeydoll]

I guess I'm lucky that I don't have much people around me who badger me with unsolicited advice.

When I was pregnant, after reading and hearing about what to expect during pregnancy and how family members (especially in-laws) change when there's a grandchild involved, I asked my hubby if his family would be the type who would meddle and try to tell me what to do. He said that his mom is the type who would just offer advice when it's asked. I was glad. He said that if ever there would be anyone in his family who would badger us with unwanted advice, it would be his older sister as she's a nurse and a mother of 2--so it's like "I'm a parent and a nurse, I know what I'm doing!"

So glad that they haven't bothered me with advice.

Most of the time, when people give me unsolicited advice, I just let them say their piece and I just say "Thanks, I'll think about it."

Anyway, the only annoying unsolicited advice that I got were:
1. From the older SIL: "Give her a dummy!" I don't believe in the necessity of pacifiers.
2. From my mom when I was pregnant: "Don't get any fatter/don't gain anymore weight." I told her to worry about my weight when I'm not pregnant. In the meantime, worry about her own as she had ailments.
3. From a colleague of mine (who likes me too much that she pays too much attention to me--it's actually smotheringly annoying): When I mentioned about the hospital I was going to and it was a private room. She indignantly shook her head and said "Noooo! Just go to a ward! It's cheaper!" Or when I mentioned about items I wanted to get for the nursery. "Don't buy brand new! Go for 2ndhand!" I wanted to tell her to F-off, it's my money. But instead, I told her, I don't want to be in a ward with other strangers--who knows if the person in the next bed showers at all or would bother me with unwanted conversation!
4. From a former colleague: "The moment you get through the hospital doors, say I want an epidural now!" I just let her say her piece. In one ear, out the other.

[neeky]

so much unwanted advice, and most of it was so ridiculous that i just stopped listening.
I found that it often came from old ladies. The usual brandy solves everything.
My family gave me lots of sh*t about my son using a dummy last christmas (he was 1mth old) saying things along the lines of i am a bad mum if i have to use one of "those" to keep him happy! (that came from my uncle who could probably win a prize for being a really bad father) i just turned around and said "fine take it out and see how long he stays quiet for, i dont mind if screams all day im used to it, can you handle it though?" they shut up after that, and thankfully left us alone. even the nurses/midwives at the hospital said that i would need to consider using a dummy coz he was a sucker, he just wanted to suck something ALL the time.
then the was the standard "he's hungry" "he's got wind" "he wants a cuddle" whenever we were out. my standard reply was: "i just fed him, he just gave up his wind, and he just doesnt want to be in the pram, but as you can see i'm a little bit busy at the moment and my hands are full so he will just have to wait a couple of minutes, now if you wouldnt mind i would like to get on with things so i can get him home as soon as possible."

i actually got introduced to a lady that was full of advice, everything from what cot to buy (most expensive of course) to what washing powder to use to what pain relief to get when in labour!!! she meant well, but she drove me nuts!

my "advice" would be not to listen to advice, except from a professional. Go with your instincts and you should be right.

[danielle13]

Where do I start? The "advice" started pouring in before I was even showing!
The "Baby Boomers" are the worst culprits, ie mums whose kids are in their 20s and 30s. Particularly my mother..... she came over from NZ a few days after DD was born, and geez did she get on my wick! "You shouldn't give her a dummy, she'll get bucked teeth", "Do you really think you should be letting her feed whenever she wants, it'll be impossible to get into a routine", "She's crying, it must be wind", etc etc. And on our first outing when DD was 6 days old, she was crying so I carried her around the shops and dp took the empty pram - "You shouldn't carry her around like that, that's what the pram's for"... (well I'm hardly going to leave her screaming in the pram when she clearly just wants a cuddle..) , the list goes on..
She's not the only one, I've had alot of comments about how we parent. Eg, she shouldn't have been sleeping in our room, to, at 4months she's too young to be moved into her own room. Then the dummy-licking thing - there is no WAY I'm going to "suck" my baby's dummy before I give it to her!! Or if we're out and DPs trying to settle her, for some reason people think he's incapable of doing it, and he always gets "try rocking her, pat her bum, she wants her mum," etc etc. For the record, DP is excellent at settling her.
The way I took this advice went in stages. In the first little while I pretending to take everything on, not defending my choices. Then I got on the defensive and felt I had to justify my parenting, now I just ignore unsolicited comments and advice. Everybody's different, and parenting styles vary - that's the way it is. Just because you may not do something my way, doesn't make either of us right or wrong, it's just "my way"..

[Mother Duck]

I don't have unwanted advice, but I am lucky in that I live in a small town and have time on my side.

I guess if I was pushed for time, I would find it frustrating

As it stands my method is just to keep listening and saying things like "Oh yes, and what else do you think" etc etc until they are all adviced out

I will listen to anyones ideas but only ever do what I think is right for us

And as you well know Rach - I am known to offer oodles of advice (but I like to think lightheartedly!)

Having said all that - when it comes from my own mummy bear - it can be FORCE FED - and too abrupt - this IS unwanted advice in which case I hugely agree with this....

Its not about you, its about them.

ABSOLUTELY!!!

[Issey]

I don't worry too much about the odd comment from strangers ie: he must be hungry etc or doesn't your mum feed you? I just laugh at those.

However I don't like advice forced upon me by people I know especially when it is ridiculous. I have a friend how keeps telling me to put a hat on DS otherwise he will get cold, she even puts a wollen hat on her child when it is boiling hot. . I know it is all well meaning but it can be annoying as I don't like to say anything as I don't want to offend her as she is a great friend. One time I bought DS's lunch over there when I visited and asked to heat his pureed vegies up. She said 'oh when is he going to eat real food' She fed her 1yo pizza for lunch and a softdrink. I just said it is real food and what is recommended for his age. Didn't say anything about what she was feeding DD OMG!! Maybe I should.

A lot of advice I have had has been welcomed and useful from other mums with sensible ideas and suggestions. I dont' know everything and haven't been a mother before so I like to know what worked and what didn't for people. As long as it is only advice and not 'you should do this'.

Also I am told my DS it too spoilt, look at the toys he has, he will be too spoilt. Why will it make him a bad person because I have chosen to buy him quite a few toys

[susiehomemaker]

lol at everyones "advice" stories!
I was sitting in the doctors surgery waiting for our appointment when DD was about 3 months old when this little old lady sat down next to me and exclaimed "Where is her other leg???" (DD sleeps on her tummy- tut tut I know- not allowed!) DD had tucked one of her legs up froggy style (as baby's do ) and the other was hanging out of the pram. I said it was just tucked up and she said "Oh! She must be uncomfortable! You should move it for her." Like DD would not have been letting me know if she was uncomfortable Screamalicious DD? I dont think so!
The other pearler way from my MIL- "Dont put her in the wind, she will get wind" LOL It was Christmas eve, stinking hot and it was a lovely cooling breeze. DD was a month old and covered in heat rash. MIL shut up when I said "Dont be silly- its freakin hot and she is enjoying that breeze like the rest of us!" MIL is always full of **** advice. Like I would take advice off anyone who doesnt wipe a babies bum with a clean cloth (rather than the end of a dry disposable ONLY) when changing them
Also- if I heard "are you sure you arent having twins" one more time while I was pregnant I was going to shoot them. That along with the dear colleuge who asked "Has the doctor said if you baby is a NORMAL size?" (imagine this said in a whiny condescending voice) I knew I looked like the size of a bus, but who wants to be told that 10 times a day when you are uncomfortable and hormonal? I always tell people they look great! (they usually do anyway :-)
Advice for newbie Mothers, follow your instincts- you know what is best for your baby, no one else knows them like you do!

[shell25]

After finally getting out of the house for the first time, with bub in arms, to meet up with other bubhubbers, who I didn't know.

We made it out, 4weeks after an amazing birth experience, where DP and I free birthed at home as long as we could, to then called the friendly ambo's (due to not being able to get into the car earlier) to then arrive at RBH Emergency, didn't make it to the lovely Birth Centre, "doh" with only 12min to spare.

It was still in the dark, with DP catching and delayed cord clamping and me singing Dante`s song "somewhere over the rainbow" as the placenta was birthed soon after. Dante` was alert and calm immediately after and all of us were so happy.

I was on such I high from my very active birth, that when I had a lady come up to me at the meet, to say hi I'm......, what is your story, I really was not ready for the following... when I told her with a smile on my face.

she replied very sternly,
"oh my goodness, you poor things, could have died, you where both so lucky that you didn't DIE."

I replied
"This was our choice we researched it and made these birthing choices, because they were right for us, I know that they may not be your choice..."

I was cut off at this point with

"That is so silly, why would anyone want to home birth, when you can DIE, it is so risky"

Again I calmly said

"We would like to home birth, the rest of our children, so we feel very proud of his birth"

She replied "My God, I cant believe that anyone would be so silly, well your lucky, he's ok"

As politely as I could manage (by this stage I really wanted to...well...yell)

"Lucky this is my child and it was my birth then, isn't it and not yours...so nice to meet you"
Needless to say that I had to just turn my back at this point, she got the hint.


My Advice for parents to be is
"Make your own choices, own your own experience of birth, parenting, life, it is your journey, not anyone else's and if you can own, your choices, then no one can take them away from you" Shell