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  1. #1
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    Default Mother and smoking vent

    My mother is a heavy smoker, she smokes about 40 a day and always has. She is very overweight too. She is 52. When growing up my siblings and I always asked her to stop smoking and she laughed at us and used to say " sher when I'm dead and gone it won't matter..." her attitude of I don't really care what you think about my smoking really used to upset me and in many ways drove a massive wedge between us. We don't get on for many other reasons also.

    Now I have 2 children and in my life my grandparents were very important people in my life ( despite my mother absolutely hating my dads mother) I am determined my children will have as close a relationship as they possibly can with their grandparents despite my mother and I not being able to be in the same room together for 2 mins. Although they are in Ireland we Skype every day twice a day. DD loves it and really is getting to know them via Skype. However on Skype my mother chain smokes, I tell DD that's granny smoking horrible cigarettes, just to create a bad association with the cigarettes.

    Today I was on Skype and DD was gone to daycare so just mother and I. She could hardly talk as she has a cold/chest infection and of course she was chain smoking. I told her to cut back or she will make herself sicker... Anyways a row started, I told her that I was sickened that she wouldnt give up or cut back for our( me and my siblings) sakes but now she has 3 grandchildren who she needs to be fit and healthy for and she can't be bothered... I told her what am I supposed to say to DD if granny dies... Anyways she called me every name under the sun and hung up on me.

    I'm so bloody angry at her and almost feel like saying why should I bother letting DD get to know her . Also my mother works as a nurses aid, she goes to the houses of elderly dying people and looks after them, she sees cancer every day... You'd think that would make her stop? She earns a good wage but complains she can't afford to come to Australia for a holiday... If she halved her cigarette intake she could well afford it. Also she won't get on a plane as she can't smoke for 13 he's straight...

    I'm so angry right now. Smoking has in many ways ruined my relationship with my mother, my dad had a lung X-ray done and the doc told him to give up smoking as his lungs are in a bad way... He has never smoked a cigarette in his life! My mother ignores all if this and continues to light up in bed first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

    I know it's an addiction and I know like any addiction the person needs to want to give up. I just can't understand why she won't even try.

    Selfish selfish bi@ch .

    Sorry for the long rant I'm really mad right now.

  2. #2
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    Wow. That's sad that her smoking has caused lung issues for your Dad and she still won't do anything about it.

    I agree with everything you've said about smoking. It is horrible and it's awful that your Mum is letting them come between coming to meet your kids.

    She obviously has a strong addiction, but even the most addicted can give up if they want to. I know my Uncle did. He smoked at least a pack a day for 30+ years, but quit cold turkey. Didn't stop the cancer getting him years later, but at least he had over a decade smoke free with more cash to have fun.

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    crunchie  (09-03-2012)

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    Who lives in the house with her? Passive smoking kills and in some ways its more harmful than active smoking. For every 14 smokers that die from smoking (which is at least 1 in 2) they take a non-smoker with them (thats a conservative figure).

    First prioity: Ensure nobody near her smokes secondhand.

    She doesn't care about herself or anyone else, she may be angry because of ill-health from smoking and obesity.

    It sounds like she doesn't even know what she is doing, I think heavy smoking keeps people in a kind of sleep.

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    crunchie  (09-03-2012)

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    Smoking sucks. I hate it soo much.... and i smoke

    Every time i light up i hate myself but

    Everytome someone mentions it to me i get defensive and resentful...

    I dont mean to be and i hate that i do it.

    A bubhubber asked me (after a comment i made about basically the same thing) what would work for me.... it is driving me crazy that i do not have an answer because i dont know.

    i understand your pain and frustration, i lost both my grandparents to smoking

    But i also understand you mother

    Smoking sucks, it is an addiction and a disease. Horrible and disgusting but so so so so hard to break.

    I know i am no help, im sorry.

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    crunchie  (09-03-2012)

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    I can't tell you how much I understand how you feel. My darling father who I loved very much passed away only last month from smoking related cancer. He was diagnosed and treated in 2007 and went into remission but not only did he keep smoking but so did Mum!! I could hardly believe it.

    He was told last year that his secondary cancer was untreatable and so he smoked like a wildfire, as did mum, right up to his death. It was very very hard to watch and it used to make me so angry that I could barely be around him, and this is a man I adored! Now he has died, from smoking, well before his time and mum is still smoking about a pack a day and refuses to give up. I am19 weeks pregnant with my first child, and her other two grandchildren are 2 and 10 weeks old. It's not like either of m parents are stupid either, they are both highly intelligent, educated and well-read. I just don't understand it.

    I used to smoke myself, i know what it's like, and I know how hard it is to give up.... But surely there are harder things aren't there? Like not having time or energy or fitness to be a nanna or poppa?

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    crunchie  (09-03-2012)

  10. #6
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    Thanks all, I do understand smoking is an addiction the same as any other but I don't understand why she won't try to change it, cut back etc.

    It's heartbreaking.

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    it is heartbreaking to watch, but it is so hard to give up. Yelling at her wont help, yelling at an alcoholic doesnt stop them from drinking

    My DH smoked when i got pregnant with DD1and i would leave little notes in his cigarettes like
    Dear daddy, i really would like you to come to my grade 6 dance but i suppose you wont be able to as you would rather smoke and therefore be dead before i make it to grade 6. Love you XX

    It really didnt take to long after that that he didnt quite give up but i'm very proud of how far he has come.

    I wouldnt try ad put the guilts on her anymore (as it obviously isnt working) but i would say things like I love you mum but it upsets me that i am going to have to watch you die a slow and painful death when we all know you can do smething about it now. That is all - dont get into arguments, state the fact about how it affects you and leave it at that.

  12. #8
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    I lost a friend to cancer in January. Never smoked, parents and siblings never smoked, wife never smoked, kids never took it up. He was exposed to it at work until the laws came in a few years ago, and was exposed to it at football games he took the kids to.

    Today at k mart I walked past a mum who had a baby in a sling on her chest. She was sitting down on a bench seat in a non smoking area smoking with 3 others while the baby was fully exposed. I said nothing, but dd told me on the way past that the baby will get sick, and maybe they don't know because they can't even read. If they could read they would not smoke under the No Smoking sign. Yep, embarassing, but true.

  13. #9
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    Cigarette smoke contains more than 4,000 chemicals, including truly nasty things like cyanide, lead, and at least 60 cancer-causing compounds. When you smoke during pregnancy, that toxic brew gets into your blood******, your baby's only source of oxygen and nutrients.

    While none of those 4,000-plus chemicals is good for your baby (you would never add a dollop of lead and cyanide to his strained peaches), two compounds are especially harmful: nicotine and carbon monoxide. These two toxins account for almost every smoking-related complication in pregnancy, says ob-gyn James Christmas, director of Maternal Fetal Medicine for Commonwealth Perinatal Associates at Henrico Doctors' Hospital in Richmond, Virginia.

    The most serious complications — including stillbirth, premature delivery, and low birth weight — can be chalked up to the fact that nicotine and carbon monoxide work together to reduce your baby's supply of oxygen. Nicotine chokes off oxygen by narrowing blood vessels throughout your body, including the ones in the umbilical cord. It's a little like forcing your baby to breathe through a narrow straw. To make matters worse, the red blood cells that carry oxygen start to pick up molecules of carbon monoxide instead. Suddenly, that narrow straw doesn't even hold as much oxygen as it should.
    How will smoking affect my baby?
    A shortage of oxygen can have devastating effects on your baby's growth and development. On average, smoking during pregnancy doubles the chances that a baby will be born too early or weigh less than 5 1/2 pounds at birth. Smoking also more than doubles the risk of stillbirth.

    Every cigarette you smoke increases the risks to your pregnancy. A few cigarettes a day are safer than a whole pack, but the difference isn't as great as you might think. A smoker's body is especially sensitive to the first doses of nicotine each day, and even just one or two cigarettes will significantly tighten blood vessels. That's why even a "light" habit can have an outsize effect on your baby's health.

    How smoking affects your baby:

    Weight and size
    On average, a pack-a-day habit during pregnancy will shave about a half-pound from a baby's birth weight. Smoking two packs a day throughout your pregnancy could make your baby a full pound or more lighter. While some women may welcome the prospect of delivering a smaller baby, stunting a baby's growth in the womb can have negative consequences that last a lifetime.

    Body and lungs
    Undersize babies tend to have underdeveloped bodies. Their lungs may not be ready to work on their own, which means they may spend their first days or weeks attached to a respirator. After they're breathing on their own (or even if they did from the start), these babies may have continuing breathing problems — because of delayed lung development or other adverse effects of nicotine. Children whose mothers smoked during pregnancy are especially vulnerable to asthma, and have double or even triple the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).
    Heart
    Babies whose mother smoked in the first trimester of pregnancy are more likely to have a heart defect at birth.
    In a U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) study published in February 2011, these babies' risk of having certain types of congenital heart defects was 20 to 70 percent higher than it was for babies whose moms didn't smoke. The defects included those that obstruct the flow of blood from the right side of the heart into the lungs (right ventricular outflow tract obstructions) and openings between the upper chambers of the heart (atrial septal defects).

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