I don't know what's happening to us. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not perfect but **** has some serious issues with his temper. It's been getting worse and worse since working at *****. And he's always threatening to leave. If things don't go his way or if he feels things aren't fair, or if I interrupt him once too many times, he proclaims that he's done and that he's leaving.
I feel like I can't be honest with him anymore. I have to say everything is ok even if it's not. I feel like I can't say if I'm unhappy with something without him going off. I pretty much have to put aside my anger or frustration and talk to him in a calmer than calm manner if I have any hope at all. And even then there's no gaurantees.
I feel like I have to hide my true feelings even when I really hurt. I don't think this is fair, I really don't. Not when he's free to go off and god help me if I pick him up on it. He'll yell more, throw insults around and bring up other times that I have 'missed behaved' putting it back on me. I get in trouble at the time I stuff up and then again if I dare to pick him up on his stuff ups. He'll bring them up like they somehow justify his behaviour and throw it in my face.
I don't want to leave him, I don't. But I'm fast becoming numb from it all and I've felt like that before. I think we need counscelling, I really do.
I'm also really getting sick of his memory problems. He forgets things. Whole conversations! It wouldn't be so bad if he can think before he swears black and blue what he thinks was said or not said. He knows his memory isn't great and yet at the time it doesn't even occur to him that he may have forgotten something. And I can't say what the truth is, oh no....because he gets angry, beligerant and abusive and swears black and blue that I'm wrong and he's right.
He gets angry and forceful and even intimidates me to basically agree with him. So then I'm forced to agree with him or continue to hear him carry on....these are my choices!
Later on, he may find out that I'm right...yippee! But he doens't apologise for how he treated me. And it still doesn't occur to him at other times. God help me if he ever gets dimentia!
It's awful! It's really really awful at the moment. I'm unhappy with my lot in life and I'm extremely unhappy in our relationship. I don't know what to do! Talking just ends up with him becoming forceful and aggressive. I'm passive until I've had enough then I start yelling and swearing too and it's almost like ner ner ****, you're a hypocrite! WTF????
How can he not see what he's doing? How can he not see what he's doing to me? he is wearing me down. Doesn't he realise how low I can go? Isn't he concerned that I might reach my limits? doesn't it occur to him that he could lose me? Not for him being bad with money. Not because of his going on xxx sites. Not for telling some random chick she's beautiful and gorgeous. Not because he's messy and inconsiderate and doesn't put things away! No it will be because of the way he's treating me!
I'm becoming more and more oppressed. And it's chipping away at me everytime we have a fight. There wont' be anything left one day and then what? A shell?....of who I was? Is it what he wants to happen?
Today he told me that he felt I'd belittled him. It wasn't my intention (not that he believes me) but if I did, I was sorry but **** me! Everytime that he talks down to me. Everytime that he intimidates me. Everytime he tells me to shut up or pull my head in. Everytime he tells me I'm a terrible person....I feel so so small! Insignificant. I 'apparantly' belittled him once and it's like the earth exploded! Well buddy....welcome to my world!
He hasn't hit me....but sometimes it feels like he has. Sometimes I feel like, if he hit me then it can be over and I don't have to put up with it anymore. Some part of me wishes he just would, then I can be justified in saying that he abuses me. I feel so beaten down emotionally that he may as well. He may as well get it over and done with and put me out of my misery....do what he so wants to do anyway. Just freakin well do it....then I can leave!
What the **** am I going to do?