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  1. #1
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    Default What does mild depression in a DH look like? *long post!*

    I have had a thought over the weekend that maybe my DH is a bit depressed and would like some feedback as its not something I have experienced.

    He is grouchy and flat a lot, he is constantly tired, doing things that he hasn't initiated are usually a big effort or he only does them (unwillingly) because I get cross if he doesn't (like putting a screw in our ceiling for a hammock for DD - a 5 minute job that I asked him to do all weekend until he snapped yesterday afternoon and stomped around angrily and snapped at DS who was trying to help), he is unmotivated with exercising and eating well.

    He does interact with DS but not as actively as I would like, he isn't very patient with him and gets snappy and short with him instead of diverting or distracting from bad behaviour or tantrums.

    He has always been a pretty laid-back guy, not really a get-up-and-go type, so the change in him is not dramatic - more a slow process that has got me more and more unhappy and now I've had enough. I'm only 25, a SAHM and I would like our weekends to be fun filled and pleasant, not me being flat and grumpy because he is and I get disapointed. We do have very different personalities too which makes it hard because I'm motivated and like to do things away from home (because I'm home a lot) whereas he would be happy to sit around and watch tv/listen to music/sleep all weekend.

    He does, however, like to spend time with his friends or brothers (having beers while watching cricket/footy, fishing, having a jam with his casual band, etc) and this makes me wonder if he is just not happy with our home life, not depressed. He also never misses a day of work and always gets up and leaves home with no fuss or moaning.

    I have looked at the beyondblue site and their depression checklist but I'm really unsure where he falls. According to their score that I did based on what *I* think his symptoms are, he got a 17 which means moderate risk. I mentioned the depression theory to DH on the phone earlier today and he said he hadn't thought of it before but wasn't outraged when I suggested it. I told him that I'm unhappy and not enjoying our time together as a family it needs to change.

    So if your DH is otherwise a regular kind of guy (works, doesn't have any major issues like drugs or drinking or violence, is essentially a good partner and father) but is also depressed, what does it look like?

    Any advice or thoughts welcome.

  2. #2
    inkognito's Avatar
    inkognito is offline Moving on is simple, its what you leave behind which makes it hard
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    Oh Hun that must be so hard, I don't have any advice but want to give you some of these
    Last edited by inkognito; 13-03-2012 at 18:38.

  3. #3
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    Good on you for considering this and talking to DH about it. Depression in men is a very misunderstood and a seldom discussed issue, which is really concerning.

    It's hard to say if your DH is depressed without knowing how he is feeling, but it's certainly worth checking out based on the info you have given. Even if he isn't depressed, it sounds like you could do with some assistance with your relationship.

    The next step would be to encourage him to talk to his GP who could hopefully refer him to a psychologist if the gp thinks he has depression. If not, counseling for you relationship could be really helpful for your family.

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    GluttonForPunishment is offline Bubhub Award Winner - 2011- Most Optimistic Poster and Newbie of the Year Awards
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    A lot of guys get very much a feeling of being "trapped" if you will. They feel that things are the way they are, they can't change it, and slowly get depressed about it.

    It can be caused by so many things. Issues in your relationship. His role as a dad. His job. His friends. Family. All of it. Some of it.

    I think it would be nice for the two of you to maybe see a counselor together? Express how you feel. He might have any number of things that he's carrying around that he doesn't know how to communicate, or does know but fears to do so.

    I ended up like this in my marriage, and that marriage ended. We didn't do any counseling etc but for us, i think it was the right thing - splitting that is. That's no to say this is what is going to happen for you. But, if you want a chance to catch it now before it continues to develop then I would definitely suggest the counseling and see what comes of it.

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    inkognito  (05-03-2012)

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    Thankyou for your responses. After I posted this I also thought counselling would be worth looking into to help us through this rut.

    He has acknowledged that he has been difficult to live with sometimes and has said he will make more effort be supportive and to be more happily involved without me needing to make a fuss. He also said he thinks I nag and get a bit controlling at times, which I will take on board.

    We will get through it, but I agree we may need help.

    Ta!

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    It's great that you've both been able to talk this through openly and honestly, and without defensiveness. That's not always easy!! All the best.


 

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