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  1. #1
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    Default What would you do? Friend or Foe?

    Okay - so advice or opinions... I'll try to make this short!
    I have this friend I've known for about 5 years...we were extremely close friends! Best friends. She was my maid of honour, her husband a groomsman and MC at our wedding. We used to do happy hours and chat almost daily. She lives 5 minutes from me. We were in church together.
    Then we decided to leave the church we were in because it wasn't a good fit for us (totally separate reasons). She also decided to return to study and I encouraged and supported it, knowing it would put time pressure on her. She has three kids, we have none (yet).
    anyway, for the last 18 months to 2 years she's barely given me the time of day. I've tried to repair the bridge by organising things, inviting them for dinner etc.. sent her messages saying I really miss her etc. we rarely get the return invite.
    So yesterday, after removing her from facebook months ago (deciding I wasn't part of her life) she emails me. I'm not sure why - she never seems to have the time for me. So I basically email her back, saying I don't understand and how hurt I've been, especially when she didn't even call or drop by when we lost our baby last year.
    She replies basically saying she's busy with her job, her three kids and her church friends, and doesn't have time for us (well that's the short version) and if I'm not happy with the occasional meet up (2-3 times per year) then we obviously can't be friends. We used to see each other 2 -3 times per month!
    Anyway - I'm aware that my expectations of the relationship have probably let me down... but now I don't know what to say to still have integrity but also have peace. I want to say - since when does making new friends and forgetting the old really the honest/good/christian thing to do?? How do I now walk away without getting into it. I've accepted we're not really friends and I shouldn't have probably sent the email I did...but it's out there! and she's probably waiting for a reply!!

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    It's really hard when friends lives go in different directions. I'd let her know that and that you understand that is what has happened and just keep it to a birthday card and christmas card each year.

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    Tamtam  (04-03-2012)

  4. #3
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    Oblena is offline I've done it in public and I'll do it again - I don't care who sees!
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    I think to reply - It's a shame you feel that way - and then leave it at that only. Essentially write off the relationship and take the time to grieve it. Don't say amy of the other stuff because it willupset you and likely have no impact on her.

    Sorry that she has been like this

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    I did reply that I was sorry and that obviously our lives have gone in different directions.
    Then I got a reply comparing her to another friend who wasn't nearly as close. Now it's just messy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tamtam View Post
    I did reply that I was sorry and that obviously our lives have gone in different directions.
    Then I got a reply comparing her to another friend who wasn't nearly as close. Now it's just messy.
    Oh hun, I'm so sorry. I'm in the exact same position with my former bestie and it hurts so much. Very similar circumstances too with me leaving the church we used to attend together. It's hard.

    I would just send a response, keeping it light, just saying that you don't want things to be any more difficult than they are and that you understand your expectations for the friendship differ from hers, that sometimes friends come into our lives for a season only and that it would appear that is what has been the case with your friendship. Just wish her well and say that you hope to bump into her from time to time and be able to be friendly to each other but that you won't be persuing the friendship any further at this point. Again, just wish her and her family all the best and thank her for the years of friendship you shared.

    And then have a big ol' cry because it plain sucks when this happens.

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    MegaGuts  (05-03-2012)

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    Hmm I don't know if I would completely cut contact with her. I have friends who I WAS really close with, but our lives have taken different directions and now we barely see each other (like a couple of times a year) BUT when we do it is always really nice. But because of what is going on with them they now move in a different circle to me, and I do accept that it happens.

    Up to you what you decide to do, but a lot of good friends eventually fade into "occasional" friends. I don't think it means you can't be friends at all

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    Tamtam  (05-03-2012)

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    Let the friendship go. I have had to do this with a close friend who clearly just moved on from me. I'm not sure why and I'm sure she has her reasons. We were close and shortly after I had my second child she just ignored me and never wanted to hang out. I obsessed and alll that.. Did all the things you said such as contact her and invite her to stuff but her replies were breif and vague and people have had to tell me straight to just get over it! I totally understand your feelings and I think its hard to not feel completely rejected and let down and wonder what's wrong with yourself to get dumped.. Sort of like getting dumped by a boyfriend I guess.. I don't know why but sometimes friendships just change and people just change and all that so yeah.. I don't think she is your foe, but I don't think she sounds like a great friend no

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    Tbh I think you were great friends in a way cause it was convenient, you lived close, you were in the same church and she wasn't studying. Now you have left the church and she has commenced studying. She obviously has a really busy life with all that and her three kids and I don't mean to be horrible but she just can't be bothered. It really hurts when we want to be friends with someone and they don't have you as a priority but the bet friendships are those that meet the needs of BOTH parties. I would just move on and find people who want to be friends with you as much as you do with them. Try to not take it too personally.

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    I really needed to read this, I'm going thru very similar at the moment x

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    sounds complicated. People can grow apart and sometimes it just can't be helped. I have had a few friends like this. We were close going through high school and for the first couple years after that, but once I met my DP things changed (they were all single very single) and it became difficult, I didn't want to make them feel like an extra well, we just grew apart.... Sometimes no matter how much your love your friend and what to keep the friendship if it becomes a chore to see them and is made more difficult by being in different stages in your lives (kids v no kids yet) sometimes it might be better to walk away. Friendships need to have give and take from all people involved.

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