home at 5am....again.....

[jfblady72]

hello

any advice would be appreciated..

my DH rocks home at 5am from his saturday poker night ....weve had various "discussions" about the inappropriateness of getting home so late which means he is written off for the next day, doesnt wnat to interact / play with DS cos he is hungover etc and just sits basically like a dead weight around the house pretending to be interested but i can tell he is just feeling off....anyway he only goes like every second weekend lately after i got jack of happening EVERY weekend at one point.....so there is improvement and i was happy with that. i told him i dont have a probelm with him going every second saturady but coming home at a decent hour was what i expected...

however yet again he promised to come home at 11/12pm but arrives around 5am...and then gross he was chucking up 1/2 hr later obviously from too much booze...a few weeks ago it was 7am. its like he is one of those ppl who once they have a few drinks just has to keep drinking (altho he has sometimes come home a decnt hr so he can actually do it) ...i find this so pathetic and juvenile...he also recently had a medical which basically indictaed he needed to cease the binge drinking...he is almost 41yo....is like GROW UP. also his poker buddy is 10 years older and has no young kids to look after on a sunday morning..i used to get angry at that guy but ultimately its up to my DH to say he is going home at midnight and not be swayed to continue drinking at this mates place til the sun rises....

so what do i have to say to him to get thru that getting home that late meaning drinking yourself stupid etc etc is just pathetic ??? and with one DS and another baby due in 2 months im like "is this $hit gonna stop?" cos i will be FURIOUS if he pulls this crqp when we have the 2nd baby...im going to confront him today and basically say if he cant control himself and get home at a decent hr then he needs to stop going cos im over it...i dont mind the once in a blue moon drunken night but NOT every time he goes out on a saturday....

ppl have suggested just waking him at 7am etc and going out and leaving him with DS so he doesnt think he can get away with it but i wont use a child as a pawn in sorting out problems and besides DS will be bored as being left with him hungover etc..........

i guess im asking how can i show him i mean business about this issue???

[BabushkaMumma]

Why don't you and your lovely DS go out together for breakfast this morning...? You'll have a lovely morning with your boy and won't be at home boiling over slowly at the DH.

Then while your out - buy a little kiddies drum kit and assemble it and hand the sticks over to your boy and ask him to show daddy how to play his favourite song...

Nah, just kidding

But I can imagine how this must hurt you - especially with another on the way. I don't know how - but he needs to see the value of his family, Of being there for them and being an active and willing participant.

I'm sorry that I have no other advice at this time

[Nomsie]

It's so sad to see this problem is more common than I originally thought. I have a big child partner too

Unfortunately for me to see any change, I had to be on the verge of leaving.. and even now he is slowly sliding back into his old habits.

The thing is- if they can't see the problem with their own behaviour, what incentive do they have for change? They go out to have fun- and they DO have fun.. why would they want to change that? Men sometimes have trouble seeing the forest for the trees, and so he probably just doesn't GET the issue this is creating for you... I, however, am sitting here stressing FOR you.

Short of counselling or some radical event to cause change... I don't see how he will ever take it on board Sorry!

(But I do whole-heartedly agree with the breakfast/drumkit idea!- even pots and pans and wooden spoons! )

[jfblady72]

thanks ladies

well...it got very nasty after i posted and my Dh picked a fight with me whilst still drunk (after i found him alseep on the tiolet floor ffs and told him he was a pathetic loser) ....i told him to leave, after picking at me & arguing nonense when drunk in front of DS (which sent my blood boiling) & doing the usual "gaslighting" ie youre crazy (coming from someone who 30 mins b4 was flaked out in a dunny.....how tragic) , he has now driven off.............good riddance u tool.....i hope he gets done by the cops for DUI. after i repeastedly told him i wasnt going to argue with a drunk person cos its pointless.....he then in addition to telling me i was the crazy one, i got told i dont contribute finacially ( i work 0.8FTE & earn over $2300 a fortnight) ....and no wonder he didnt want a 2nd baby seeing as im "this way" etc etc.and doesnt know what my probelm is etc etc....real nice..........im so angry that he argues in front of DS..i cant cop that. i want him to move out...........

[siege]

you need to report his rego to the police so they can look for him!! Hoping he gets done for DUI is one thing, but finding out he has wrapped himself around a tree or killed an innocent driver is another thing..... Driving drink AND angry is a really bad combination

That's very unfair to say you don't contribute - I would kill to earn $2300 a fornight!! If he thinks the family is struggling financially then maybe he needs to stop spending god knows how many hundreds on booze and poker every weekend? Like you said, it should be a once in a blue moon thing.

I'm sorry this is happening and I have all my bits crossed that he comes home safe and sound really soon xx

[Livvey]

He sounds as if he has some growing up to do.
I wouldn't be putting up with being spoken to like that.....you deserve more respect.

Big hugs to you, it must be so difficult to deal with him.

[Witwicky]

I agree that you should report his rego, for the safety of others on the road In my previous job I dealt with a fair few people who were involved in very serious car accidents due to being drunk from the night before. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's horrific and it's burnt in my mind. It's really serious

I'm sorry your DH is doing this. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious chat when he is sober, because it's just not acceptable, particularly with the little ones.

I also strongly recommend marriage counselling. He needs to see that his behaviour is inappropriate from a third party - someone who can assist to resolve the issue and discuss both of your needs and wants.

[Annabella]

My husbands a lot younger than yours but I'm pregnant with our 4th and 5th and dealing with the same sh!t. I am constantly asking him when hes gonna grow the f up. Im like you, i just look at him and think 'you pathetic loser', i need a man, not an adolescent! He gets better then worse again. Like nomsie said, why would they change? It's fun! I guess you need to decide if it's a deal breake or not.

If mine doesn't grow up he's gone, I'd rather struggle raising 5 kids on my own than 5 kids and a self-absorbed teenager.

People who have decent husbands who actually care how their wives feel will say 'I wouldn't put up with that' etc, but I actually think its a bit like domestic violence in that You get stuck in a cycle of them f'ing up, apologizing, promising to change, things improve, then it all goes to sh!t again. It's also hard because it is a type of addiction so it's not as easy as 'he's CHOOSING to drink over me', yet it's still just not good enough. I also recognize for my husband it's the norm in his industry and where we are from. I've taken a lot into consideration but ultimately I know I deserve better and it's not good enough.

Id recommend counseling, and basically weighing up what you are and are not prepared to put up with. Hope it gets better x

[JaneDoe]

You poor thing!! When I first started reading I thought he must be in his 20s but 41!! Appalling behaviour!!

They say 'the truth' comes out when drunk!! I think you guys need some serious marriage counsellling ASAP!!

As a compromise would you consider holding the poker night at your house?? That way you can monitor the alcohol and he is already he so no 'getting home' at unreasonable hour!!

Ps I think $2300 per fortnight is plenty contribution!!!! He's got rocks in his head if he doesn't think so!'

[2girls1boyplus1]

My husband went through this a while ago after his best friend was killed in a plane crash and it went on for over 6 months while I was pregnant with our 3rd child.
I had told him plenty of times that he needed to grow up and act like a father, etc but it did nothing. He'd apologize then do the same thing a week or so later.
I'd finally had enough so I sat down with him the day after one hangover and spoke to him quietly and seriously and told him that if he didn't start acting like we were his priority then we would leave.
I explained that he was acting like he didn't want us around so if he continued we wouldn't be there.
I slept in the spare room for a few nights and basically treated him like a person who I shared a house with rather than a partner and he finally worked it out. Since then he has been heaps better. He still goes out occasionally but knows when to stop drinking instead of wiping himself out.

Good luck with whatever happens. I know it's hard but the way I looked at it was that I didn't want to wake up in 5-10 years with an alcoholic husband who thought he could do whatever he wanted regardless of me or our children.