Trying to find the right words to express this and am struggling to find the right place to start. Just need to get it out. See if anyone has advice.
I'm often unhappy in my marriage at the moment. And it all comes down to DH's moods. He is a good man in a lot of ways, and I love him and our family but he is also very self absorbed, and he doesn't put much effort into us, either our relationship or our family.
On top of that he is generally, to put it simply, a cranky sh*t. And it's not because of anything, or rather it's always because of something, but if it's not that it's something else. He's not depressed, he's just self absorbed and selfish. If he's not tired (even if he's had double the sleep I have), he's stressed about work, if he's not stressed about work he's annoyed because I've asked him to do something in the house (like empty the dishwasher), if I haven't asked him to do something in the house he's sulking and closing his eyes with the effort if I ask him to hold our three month old son for ten minutes while I try to eat something. Apparently holding the baby for any period of time (even five minutes) hurts his back so he simply can't do it. Despite the fact that I'm carrying him all day and I have such bad back pain at the moment I'm in tears some days and am being sent for blood tests by the Dr as my aches and pains are so severe. Even with that if I'm having a night where bub is crying and needs to be walked with for hours to be settled he wont offer to take him, wont get me a drink or offer to rub my back or generally help in any way unless I ask him, then the help comes with big sighs from the effort.
Bub has been colicky and has started teething badly... he wont go into a sling or carrier and needs to be held pretty much constantly (or he bawls his eyes out), which means there are some jobs around the house I just can't do at the moment. So I've asked DH to help me do the floors and bathrooms twice a month. It's been such a HUGE effort and whinge from him that we've had to put ourselves under financial strain to get a cleaner twice a month to do it.
He's just resigned from his well paying job and we've had to take on even more debt (he brought a lot into the relationship due to poor money choices in the past) for him to go self employed because he was so unhappy with his job. It's a big gamble for us. Every day off was spent miserable because of apparent work stress. So I said to invest in his happiness and have backed him to start his own business. But now that he's resigned his mood hasn't improved. Nothing has.
In a week there are maybe a couple of nights when he's actually happy and good to be around.
If I ask him to look at me (rather than the TV or his ipad) when we're talking he gets cranky because he can listen to me without looking at me, but if I try to do housework at 10pm when bub finally goes to sleep while he's trying to talk to me he gets grumpy.
If I say something that's important to me but not to him he doesn't even bother replying half the time. He just doesn't put in the effort, and if I ask he gets sh*tty because he "wasn't doing anything wrong".
He only does things around the house or with DS1 or 2 if I ask him. He never offers to bath them, get dinner started, lock the doors, tidy the kitchen, feed the dogs etc of his own accord. I know he works, and I try to take as much load off him as I can but I'm working pretty d*mn full time two with two young boys and I just feel like he's another child a lot of the time.
Everything just feels very one sided, and like he doesn't put in the effort.
He loves us, I know that, and when he's nice he's wonderful... but I'm feeling pretty down right now because for us, for our marriage and our family and this wonderful future we have planned, this has to get better. There has to be a bit more 'happy', a bit more thoughtfulness, a bit more feeling like someone has my back like I have theirs... and I know that this is it, more or less... that if it doesn't get better with the work stress gone (the thing he's been blaming it on) it probably wont get better. And I am so very very scared of that. Because I don't think I can live like this forever. But I really really don't want to lose my family. I just don't know what to do.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any suggestions??