Advice Please :)

[DaisyVB]

This is a long one so might want to make yourself a cuppa and put your feet up before you start reading.

HISTORY
Okay so DF and I have been seeing each other for 2.5 years and been officially together for 2 years. He has 3 children to his previous marriage who he sees on a daily basis. The kids have already met me in the past and still remember me even though I have not seen them in two years. They still ask about me and bring up things we used to do with them before we became an official couple and BM stopped me from having contact with her children.

We initially tried to get me to have contact with the children immediately after we started being a couple. BF made the decision that he didn't want his children to grow up in an environment where there was constant arguments and a loveless marriage. BM was understandably angry and upset that their separation was 'official' as she was under the impression that BF would try to 'make it work' like he always did.

At first BM tried to cease him from having contact with me completely and was using the kids to control him as he is a very loving father and obviously cares for his children a great deal. For work reasons BF had to move a 4 hour drive away and BM plus kids went with him as they had nowhere to live and were dependant on him. BM and BF lived together yet separately as they had done so for the past year and he continued to pay for all her expenses as normal while BM sorted herself out.

BF and I agreed we would speak over the phone every day and he would drive to see me once a week. After a week BF decided he missed me too much and just wanted to see me and then BF started driving 5/7 days a week to see me after work. Eventually we decided that it just wasn't working and he had to move back. BF spoke to BM and she said she had a place to move to but it wasn't going to be ready for another two weeks. BF and I moved in together straight away and continued to pay for BM's expenses until BM and kids house had gone through.

BM and kids moved in with her mother and it happened to be no more than a 10 minute drive from where BF and I got a place which was really handy! BM made it crystal clear she did not want her children exposed to any new relationships for a minimum of 6 months. We agreed and once the 6 months was up BF asked if he could introduce me to the kids. BM got very angry, refused and said she still wasn't ready. We left it for a year as BF wants us all to work together rather than force it upon BM as we were planning to marry and wanted things done properly.BF got a new job and started travelling for work, he is now home fulltime and back to seeing the kids on a daily basis like he used to.

We have continued to support BM financially where she has needed help, we provided her with a family car paid outright (put it into her name as well) so she had no expenses, we pay for all school fees, daycare fees etc and anything else that is needed for the kids. BM has been very happy with our financial contribution to the children as it is WAY more than what we are required to pay through Child Support. We are looking into purchasing a large 4 - 5 bedroom house so BF knows that the kids have a permanent home.

We had an issue in the past where BF and I took the kids to the beach and then picked strawberries at the strawberry farm. Apparently every time the kids see strawberries or think of the beach they ask BM if she will take them to the beach and to pick strawberries like they did with BF and I. So naturally she gets annoyed everytime the kids mention my name.

BF sees his children on a daily basis, he goes to visit them every day after work and plays with them for a hour before dinner than bathes and tucks them into bed after reading a book. On the days where he works late he never fails to call them and he spends all day Sunday with them. BM is happy with this so long as I'm nowhere near the kids.

CURRENT STANDING
I am pregnant and expected due date is 20/04. My Ob seems to think that the baby might come a few weeks earlier as it is measuring to be further along... This leaves us with under 2 months until bubs is due. BF told BM in person that I was pregnant and her only comment was "Are you joking?" followed by a 'just another thing to deal with' look with no hint of any anger or her being upset. We thought that she would be angry and go off her head like she always does when my name is mentioned, however, she didn't.

BF and I are engaged, we were planning to wed Oct 27th of this year but have decided to wait until the kids start seeing me and grow accustom to the idea of a step-mother as we want them present. The children are only very young, all 5 and under. They still remember me fondly and BF thinks that they will respond well to a new brother or sister and a step-mum.

BF is trying to speak to BM and come up with a way to introduce me into the kid's lives and explain that they're going to have a new baby brother or sister. BF thinks it needs to be a visual thing where they can see my belly and see the scans of the baby. BM refuses to acknowledge the topic at this point in time.

Now to the point of the topic... How can we move things along in a way where BM is happy? I don't want to be in the position where I have the baby and then we tell the kids. We want me to see the kids a couple of times before the birth but it seems we are running out of time! We feel we have been very fair to BM but do you think this is too much to ask for?

[Abi&Beth]

I think BM is being very selfish and BF is being too lenient with it all, they are his children aswell, you an him plan on spending the rest of your lives together so why is she restricting the children from being a part of that? It's not as if this is a new relationship, I think BM needs to accept the fact that it is not her with BF anymore and that he has moved on and she needs to let the children enter happily into their new "family" considering you guys have financially supported her, I think she needs to pull her head in and get over herself honestly, hugs, I hope everything works out! It's must be very hard!!

[Cdro]

So BM sees BF every day and won't acknowledge your existence? It sounds like she's still in denial that her and BF have split up. And I have to say that, he is encouraging her way of thinking (not deliberately, but he is enabling the situation nonetheless).

He needs to be clearer with her about his expectations of her. You're a blended family now so time to start blending! However, at the moment, there is no incentive for her to change her behaviour, so you will both need to put your heads together and think of something (maybe withdrawing some of the financial support?) Think of the right incentive and it will come together.

Hope it works out and you can come to an arrangement that suits all of you.

[bada]

So, just trying to understand this situation - did they have three kids under three when he left her for you?

[DaisyVB]

So, just trying to understand this situation - did they have three kids under three when he left her for you?
No just the two, one was four.

So BM sees BF every day and won't acknowledge your existence? It sounds like she's still in denial that her and BF have split up. And I have to say that, he is encouraging her way of thinking (not deliberately, but he is enabling the situation nonetheless).
BM is not always home when he goes to see the kids, quite often it's just her mother. BM and BF still aren't on very good speaking terms. She is a very moody person and depending on her mood depends on whether she chooses to acknowledge him let alone me. BF says that he just wants to see his kids and when he's at their house all he does is take the kids to the BMX track and takes them bike riding.

He needs to be clearer with her about his expectations of her.
Everytime he brings up any type of conversation she immediately says I don't have time for this. He's tried sorting out his parents to pick up the kids so she can't blame the kids but it's not working. BF doesn't want to reduce the financial support as he wants to make sure the kids do not go without now that he's only half in the picture. He also doesn't want her to feel like his help financially is to 'buy her' to do things our way.

It's not as if this is a new relationship, I think BM needs to accept the fact that it is not her with BF anymore and that he has moved on and she needs to let the children enter happily into their new "family".
BF says that she was well aware that the relationship was over a long time ago. She has made a ridiculous parenting plan that basically says everything would like to do, we can't. Eg. If kids were to come over and DF popped outside to catch the dog cause it escaped, the children can't be left supervised by me. We have to call the BM or grandparents before any kid can leave his presence.

I think she needs to pull her head in and get over herself honestly, hugs, I hope everything works out! It's must be very hard!!
Thank you! It's definitely a tricky situation and can get incredibly frustrating.

[RunningWithScissors]

She is controlling him. Plain and simple. She has had it her way too long, and it seems you and BF have bent over to accommodate her and she is completely taking advantage of it. She sounds like a conniving bish to me. She is using the kids as leverage to get her own way, she needs to grow up.

Why is he not allowed to take the kids out of her house? I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but BF needs to grow a spine and tell her that HIS children are coming home with him for the day/night/weekend. He is not dangerous, abusive or is doing anything to risk their health and safety. If she was so worried, she wouldn't let him in the house to do everything he does.
Seems like she honestly thinks (regardless off her words) that she has a relationship with him, he is essentially 'coming home from work' and feeding, playing, bathing and putting kids to bed like any normal relationship, only he goes to your bed at night and not hers. She seems unstable. BF needs to stop it right now. He is enabling her, sometimes the right thing to do won't always be what you feel is best.
Separated families don't have day to day visits..thats the harsh reality of life.

I get it, as a BM I understand why she is upset about her kids being introduced to women who could just be a short term thing, but now that its obvious (and has been for a long time) that you two are in a serious relationship, she needs to pull her head in.
Exes GF drives our kids around, does pick up and drop offs, does family things with them..do I like it? Well its not my favourite thing in the world but my kids deserve 2 happy homes. As long as she is nice to them, I'll deal with it.

She sounds twitsed. She is probably hurt, yep absolutely get it. But he has clearly moved on. I think you need to speak to a lawyer.

Good Luck!

[Kyls]

I would suggest contacting Relationships Australia and commencing Mediation. It helps to have a third party who acts in the best interests of the children.

Good luck! I hope it works out for you.

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[Deserama]

I think you are all being a bit precious when it comes to the children and especially the BM. Sorry but the BM has no say as to who is in her children's father's life. She also doesn't have a say as to what he does with teh children while they are in his care.

I think him going over there everyday is a bit OTT. I think he needs to go to mediation and set up proper visitation. The kids need to get used to the enevitibility of him not being able to come over every day to play happy family...especially since you guys are starting up another one.

Trust me, when you have this baby it's going to get very old very quickly that he's constantly over there. Other children in other families handle visitation...why can't these ones?

Other children from other families handle their parents new relationships too. The BM is just being silly and no hasn't moved on because she has been allowed to move on....what with the living together but separate, him coming over everyday playing happy families - she still has hope. This needs to stop. It's going to hurt her like hell but it's been going on long enough. She needs to start standing on her own two feet like other mothers do and he needs to set up visitation and child support. The kids have a right to meet the person in their father's life, especially since they are going to have a new brother or sister too - they have a right to know the baby! She has no rights as to who he introduces to them as long as they're not pedos or something.

This situation is just too weird and precious. You guys have been pussy footing around long enough - it's just silly.

PS - 4 of my children are from previous marriage, he left me for another woman and has since married that woman. She's their step mother now and I just had to get over it! I also have a new partner and 2 kids to him. The kids and I went on our own pretty much straight away...visitation, child support. And the kids met her and my new man in about 6 mths after the break up. They are fine! They survived! And still are! So I kinda know what I'm talking about here.

At the time the kids were 2,4,6, and 8

[AppelsAndOranjes]

It does sound like your partner is being way to encouraging of her behaviour, especially after all this time. There is nothing wrong with him seeing his kids every day, but him going around there so much when they are split probably isn't helping her. It sounds like she's having trouble letting go anyway and him being there all the time doing the family thing, while great for the kids, might be causing her confusion. Of course she's not going to accept you because he hasn't stood up for you, and he's letting her control him with the kids. I find it hard to believe you guys financially supported her for so long (and the car?!?!) but whatever works. I also find it weird they lived together for so long after being separated. The way he has handled this I can understand (letting her down gently) but he has gone way too far in the other direction.

[AppelsAndOranjes]

Sorry just for a bit of context - you said they only had 2 kids when you got together with him but now they have 3? Not to be forward but did you guys have an affair? That could explain her hostility towards you as well (sorry if I'm presuming).