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  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I hope so, although my ex took off, came back and took off again. My DS is 5 years old and asks for him daily. He cries often because he doesn't understand why his dad isn't around. Every time my DP leaves for work or there's a change in routine, he thinks he's moving out.

    It does affect some children Even though DS knows he's ALWAYS got me, he still knows his dad took off because he didn't want him and that is heartbreaking. I wish I lived in a fairytale world, too, where DS is fine with abandonment, but I don't.
    i don't live n fairy tale world...and i have worked long and hard with my ds and sought help from pysch's.

    ds's dad left when he was 4 months...saw him sporadically, moved to the uk for a few years...moved back, saw him for a few months, moved interstate without telling us...then went back to sporadic visits....before finally moving back again when he was 6 and is finally stable.

    why on earth would anybody tell your ds that his dad did not want him?? even when his dad was dropping in and out of his life...i always maintained that he loved him and wished he could be with him (even when i hated the sob) for DS's wellbeing.

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by smileygirl View Post
    why on earth would anybody tell your ds that his dad did not want him?? even when his dad was dropping in and out of his life...i always maintained that he loved him and wished he could be with him (even when i hated the sob) for DS's wellbeing.
    Nobody did. That's what he has taken from his constant leaving. Not all children handle it the same.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    Nobody did. That's what he has taken from his constant leaving. Not all children handle it the same.

    that's a discussion point for you guys then... this stuff is not easy and it needs a constant dialog from the parent....a positive one.

    My ds did ask if his dad didn't want to see him, didn't want to have him etc...and i always always made sure he was left with no doubt that he was wanted and loved. and yes, i did wrap up presents for him and said they were from ex for birthdays and christmas etc...it sucked for me but it made ds happy.

    I hope you can talk to your ds and get him counselling if you cannot get through to him so that he is no longer distressed....it does NOT need to be that way

  4. #44
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    We've had counselling - they are not miracle workers. His feelings are his own and I will not change him. He's a sensitive little soul and I do not want to change him just because his father is an idiot.

    Look, I'm not silly. I know how to handle my own son and, yes, I do constantly tell him that he's much loved, even by his father - I tell him that every time that he cries or asks for him. And I tell him that if he has any questions he can ask DP. It's hard to tell him that his father is wonderful and lovely and just went on holidays when my son was coming home showing signs of being abused so I have told him that his dad has gone away to learn how to be a parent because sometimes people don't know how to be a parent. I'm not going to sugarcoat a neglectful abuser who strolls in and out of his life when he sees fit.

    I'm really glad things are working for you, and I mean that in all honesty, but please don't assume that because other children don't handle abandonment as well as your DS did that there is something wrong with the way he/she is parented. Lots of factors come into how a child will handle different situations.

  5. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Benji For This Useful Post:

    3LilMonkies  (27-02-2012),MilkingMaid  (27-02-2012),MissPoss  (27-02-2012),share a book  (27-02-2012),Stiflers Mom  (27-02-2012)

  6. #45
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    I'm with you there Benji... my son seems to have a lot of the emotional issues your son has. With both his bio dad (abuser and he's terrified of him), but also his step dad who has been in and out of his life the past 4 years. It's a terrible thing to deal with, and I've told him much the same about his step dad as you have, as before I even said it he came and asked me when he was going to go to the doctor and get help to fix his head to be nice.
    Kids have a tremendous amount of understanding, but IMO they also deserve the truth in levels that are appropriate. I won't sit and slander my kid's dads... but I also won't sit and put them up on a huge golden throne either. They need to make their own decisions about it and go from there.

    OP - I wouldn't deny contact as it could cause a lot of issues if he does take it to court, I'd be giving him windows to slowly come back in and see what he takes of it. If he's serious about it he will, otherwise he won't. A lot of these men say these things to scare us, nothing more.

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  8. #46
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    Benji, I always feel so sad for your poor little boy. He is very sensitive, and I can't imagine the heartache you go through seeing him like that. I believe dd is as stable as she is because she has not had some jerk making a half-a$$ed attempt at parenting be in and out of her life, and am truly sorry for the babes who are put through that trauma instead of making a solid choice to stay or leave.

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  10. #47
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    i know all kids handle things differently, so do all adults.

    the reason i got annoyed was the "fairy tale land" comment... i worked damn hard with my son and i am proud of that...suggesting it is make believe or pure dumb luck that he is ok...is just not on.

    in this case...the op does not suggest there has been any abuse (that would change things entirely) nor does she fear any abuse will happen. She is simply not wanting the childs father in his life because it is more convenient to her. This, imo, is not fair on the child.

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    Pretty sure she mentioned she's worried about his wellbeing if they introduce this stranger as being his "dad" and then him taking off again, causing heartache. Totally understandable reaction. And she did mention he was an alcoholic so I do hope that's under control now.

    I do agree, I don't think contact should be denied... but I don't think that sending a 4 yo boy off for visits with a complete stranger are ideal, either. It needs to be a progressive transition.

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  13. #49
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    If he lives overseas it would be phone or skype to start with, I imagine. Visits would come later, surely. But day trips etc would be fine for a 4 year old before progressing to overnight visits.

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    Isnt it odd how we are to let our kids go ov with strangers just because they have the lable, "ather" when we are super carevul about letting them go to babysitters and even amily members beore we consider them to be ready and willing.

    Its a very scary thing to allow someone to come into your childrens' lives and take them away, even vor just a day let alone overnight, and especially iv this person has been hurtvul or abusive in some way to us in the past. My ex is an ok person I guess, but even still, its going to be scary as hell or me when I allow him to have the baby overnight.

    Iv I were you, I would encourage skype and phone contact long beore I allow him to have visits and certainly not unsupervised visits until both the child and you are ready. Maybe you can all go to the park or something together, build the relationship slowely, and as much as it sucks, you really do need to let them have a relationship.

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