Thanks for sharing your story - It's been great to 'hear' your tone improve. Im glsd your getting better
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Hello again and thank you for your kind responses. To be honest, none of this would be told if you all knew who I was. Anonymity is a safety net for me right now and provides me with the freedom to tell it like it is. I don't think I'd be so forthcoming if you were sitting in front of me. I'm a coward that way. (No one I know in real life knows I'm 'inside'). I can admit this.
That said, I truly have no personal qualms about being a resident of a mental health facility and firmly believe that I need to be here. I just don't feel the need to broadcast it to friends and colleagues and it's not due to shame as such but a need for privacy while I sort this stuff out. As it is, I have a 'leave pass' for tonight to try living at home again after a two week stretch away. It's strange being here and a somewhat disconnecting feeling walking into a place I know well. My DH continues to be a mountain of support and is a true blessing. I feel this very keenly when on the ward as my fellow 'inmates' are not so fortunate. They are on their own, scared, vulnerable and trying to make each day count. I was in the rec room the other day reading and one of the girls was talking to the nurse and you can't help but overhear because of the accoustics in the room. Without going into specifics it involved a child, it was horrific and I had to leave (bawling). I take my hat off to psych nurses. This one listened without so much as a missed heartbeat as though it was an everyday thing. Then I realised with a sickening feeling that perhaps it is.
Anyway, by way of update I had my medication increased and another type added to the mix and it seems to be working. My psych seems to think that I have prenatal depression with anxiety. I am still under observation and see him and the psychologist daily. Granted, due to the late stage of pregnancy I will not be guaranteed a whole night's sleep (my bladder for one thing gets me up and going at all hours) but it's a sweet relief to have caught up on sleep even if it is broken. Above all, it's anxiety free. I can't describe what the anxiety is like as I don't remember much when I'm in it. All I can say is that I cannot describe the blissful feeling of being able to wake and set about my day without losing it. The only drawback is that the "fog' takes a few hours to clear. About late arvo I'm lucid though. A small price to pay I think. At the moment, the psychiatrist advises that I'm on this mix until I give birth. He says things could well change after I do so and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Any day now.
In the meantime, decisions have been made for our future. We are leaving Adelaide. My DH has wasted no time in landing work and organising the house and I have ongoing psych care where I'm going. I will also not be maintaining contact with my immediate family. (I have written about this briefly in the family issues forum a while back) These are decisions that feel good and they fit. It's been a while since I've felt so certain about something. That's gotta be progress, right?
Dinner time. I am being called to the table.
Last edited by Caviar; 08-03-2012 at 20:19. Reason: grammar
congratulations for working so hard and taking your life back. i think control is really important when dealing with anxiety and the decisions you and your hubby have made will obviously benefit you both.
i'm glad too that you are still taking it one day at a time....my biggest failings when i was discharged were that it was all or nothing. i wish i had taken it with the approach that you are.
best of luck with the birth!
Thank you for writing about this. You have no idea who you will help by writing this.
There is NO shame in mental illness. Only ignorance.
You cannot help how chemicals and the brain react and if we had control over it, there would not be mental illness.
I am glad you are getting answers and trying to go home.
sending you lots of positivity and cyber hand holding!
Good on you for being so candid, Caviar (I take it this is not your real name!). I have sleep issues too, and find it hard to switch off and go nigh nigh. I've also been on the 'inside' and some of the experiences are good, some awful, and it does stay with you what you experience in there. It's hard watching others who don't have the support of family or society as a whole.
Anyway, I checked in to say good luck for the birth and hope all goes well. How did your night at home go? Glad to hear you've made some positive life decisions as it always helps to know where you are going, or at least have a plan. Sounds like your relationship with partner has strengthened for this experience. Hope your journey with your new little one is rewarding and wonderful. All the best to you, BaronessM.
Caviar is not my real name, no
Failed dismally on the first leave night I'm afraid and now the second one that I've had. No sleep to be had despite the medication and am really worried about how I'm going to cope once the new baby arrives. I was disappointed that I wasn't able to get to sleep. I have absolutely no idea what has triggered this and what continues to trigger it.
Overall, my experience inside has been good. Only aspect of it is that some of the treatment is ineffectual. You can throw drugs at any problem and make it go away but, of course, once you withdraw the drug, the problem is still there. I had high hopes for trial home leave but it hasn't worked. I'll go back today probably for another week's stretch. This will allow my partner to get some sleep of his own and look after the kids. But how long am I expected to continue to stay away from home? I miss my family life. I miss my old head. I'm actually at the point now where I'm seriously thinking about birthing ahead of time by c-section so that I'm able to fully deal with this mental illness or wait with this sleeplessness and bouts of mania in my head for it to all pan out.
I would be lying if I said I was coping with this. I'm not. The drugs are helping me cope. I'm just taking each day as it comes and am really down about it all. It's really thrown our lives for a six. And I don't know when it's going to end.
I have followed this thread since your very first post but have not responded as I simply did not know what to say. But this morning, reading this post, I just have to say that you sound like an awesome woman and so determined and strong! For what it's worth, I'm sure you have many of us in your corner, even if we can't do much IRL except offer our virtual support! So sorry this has happened to you- you will get through this
Thank you BMJ but I have to say I am not very strong at the moment, though and most definitely not awesome. I've had all night to combat this and the road ahead is unchanged. I fed my little boy earlier - I have really missed him lately - and he's picking up on my nervousness. He knows that things aren't normal right now and I haven't anything more to offer him by way of assurrance that things will return to normal because I don't know that they will.
The psych says "try to deep breath when you get that anxiety and it will go away" and I feel like throwing a brick at him because I know with that sentence he's never experienced anxiety in his life.
Thank you for your support. IRL I am very much on my own in this (aside from my partner) so it's nice to know that there are souls out there who understand.
oh wow..deep breathing cures anxiety!! hahaand he went to uni to learn that???
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