A few days ago I wrote of being prescribed with Temazepam for a spot of insomnia. I couldn't sleep and was wondering how this drug was going to help me.
Things have dramatically escalated since then. To date, I still haven't slept at all and now I'm being treated for anxiety by a hospital psych team when I approached my antenatal clinic begging for help. I yearn for sleep and have stepped into a very vicious cycle that has erupted from absolutely nowhere. I am told, however, that a lot of women suffer this either right before they give birth or directly after. I am being told it is hormone related brought on by pregnancy. In the meantime, I believe I am going mad and will never sleep again. They tell me this is the sleep deprivation bit.
The fear is ever present and very real..which totally mystifies me as well. When I start to nod, I am jolted upright by a wave clamping down on me, heart is racing and it takes me a few minutes to calm down and realise I'm alright. At night, I pace as the movement calms me. The nurses tell me all I have to do is keep still, focus on sleep and I'll be fine. But it's not that easy and I'm not fine. I have no idea how I'm supposed to handle this.
I'm not sure how long I'm in for at the moment but I am hoping to get my first sleep of the week in tonight. My DH will be assisting me as last night's effort was a nightmare.
Somehow, in some manner, I have developed a fear of sleeping. I start to nod off and - bang, instant agitation and panic ensues. Nothing has ever happened to me like this before and I am completely out of my depth but I think that perhaps writing about it will (a) garner some tips on how to handle this; and (b) alert others who might be going through the same thing to do something about it; (c) bring this out in the open in a (perhaps feeble) attempt to banish any shame around this subject. I admit that last bit is for me as I am very ashamed about what is happening to me here. For me, the shame stems from my perception that I can't handle pregnancy and not being able to get to sleep is ridiculous.
Anyway, Temazepam isn't working and I'm on something stronger this evening when I return to the ward.
Being within the mental health system has been an eye opener. When I was getting a medical clearance done and the A&E nurse announced loudly to me that I was to be handed over to the psych team, three people moved to another seat! *LOL* I also noticed I have this magic permiter of 5 feet. In other words, in addition to not sitting near me, no one will stand near me either.
So there you have it. I have a few interesting weeks ahead of me.