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  1. #1
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    Default Moved interstate away from fam & friends, feeling alone and isolated

    Not sure if I'm posting in the right area, but will give it a go.

    A year ago DH and I moved interstate (from qld to vic), I was about 20 weeks pregnant at the time and otherwise pretty positive about the move, DH had a promotion at work and although I was hesitant at first, I wanted him to be happy (he was hating his old job, and had no other opportunities where we had been living previously). We had a lot of financial incentives and help to move and I embraced the decision at the time, no point in going in with a negative attitude, etc.

    Problem is, I left behind my family, all of my closest friends (a group of about 5 girlfriends and their husbands/partners, have been friends with some of them for over 20 years), and a wonderful, beach side lifestyle that I had grown up with all my life.

    Now, I feel isolated and alone in a big city where I know barely anyone (only DH's brother and sister are here). I have a small mothers group which are wonderful but its nothing compared to the friends I had 'back home'. I now have a baby boy (7 months now) and am finding out about just how challenging it is not having my mum (or mother in law, whom we also left back in qld) around to help out, babysit, give me a break etc. DH often travels for work (which he had also done previously, just now I really am alone when he does go, before I had friends and family around for support).

    I haven't been able to find a job yet, largely due to the fact I have a young baby and don't really want to go back full time. Although I have started applying for full time jobs I am doubtful of my ability to hold down a full time job with a young baby, I know plenty do it, but I would be starting a new job and have to put him into f/time chidcare and its all very stressful and depressing. But I need to work as our money has run out.

    I have tried talking to DH about it, in some ways he feels the same ie perhaps we wouldn't have moved if we new it would be this hard. But on the other hand he is LOVING his new job, doing really really well and I know if he hadn't taken it he would be depressed in his old role etc etc. He is commited to staying in his current job for at least 2 years (because they paid for us to move down here), but there really isn't any opportunity for him to move back at least not in the next few years.

    I am really struggling to stay positive. On one hand I know I have to because we are stuck here and if I don't embrace it I will just get further down and life will suck. I love my DH very much and want to support him but I am just finding it so hard, I really don't like living here and its not what I had envisaged for my (or our family's) future.

    Am I wrong in asking DH to consider any future roles that come up in Qld, even if they're not perfect jobs for his career? That is the only way we would be able to move back. Do I just sit here and learn to live with it? If I knew our combined goal was to move back within 5 years I would probably feel better.

    I would probably cope better if I were allowed unlimited (or at least frequent) trips home to see family and friends but we have only been back once in 12 months and as finances are really, really tight (ironically, we had thought we'd be better off down here) I only have one weekend trip planned in 3 months time. DH gets very stressed about money (fair enough as he is the breadwinner) and although he's happy for me to travel home I don;t think he fully understands how important it is for me.

    Sorry I know its a ramble but I just don't know how to cope with my situation. I am stuck living in a place I don't want to live and I somehow need to stay positive and focused despite desperately wanting to move back.

  2. #2
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    Hugs. I don't have any real advice but I can relate as I am from Scotland and we moved to Melbourne 7 years ago and didn't know a soul. We were lucky though and have managed to form a close knit group with 6 others. It would have been much easier for us to get out and meet people though as we were early 20's and went out and partied a lot, so different situation.

    I am 21 weeks pregnant and we won't have any family support when we have our baby. In the end, doesn't matter if it's Scotland or QLD, if they are not around they are not around! We will hopefully see family once a year, it's about every 18 months at the moment.

    Are there any other groups you could join to meet people?

    Sorry if it's not what you want to hear but I wouldn't move back to QLD if it was wrong for DH's career, since he is the main breadwinner. I could go into detail why if you like, but that's my overall feeling. Moving away is hard and it took me at least 2-3 years to feel settled and to have real friends here. We almost left a couple of times as I was finding it hard and I'm so glad we didn't. As I said though, I do acknowledge that our situations at the time are totally different.

    I'll be stopping work in a few months and would be more than happy to meet for a coffee I think you are in the inner south as well?

  3. #3
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    I also moved interstate, in the reverse, vic to QLD. Had my DD in QLD away from all family and friends and DH worked away from home during the week. I totally understand how you feel and eventually we moved back to vic at my insistence. Luckily DH found an awesome job, but being back isn't the same as before we left. We now have a child so social circle is not the same and to be honest, I kinda wish I'd stuck it out in QLD with the new mums I had met. My mother and sister have moved to same location in QLD so now they're not here either! They're where we just returned from. My advice would be to try and get to know the town and people. Get out a bit more, be easy on yourself, its ok to be upset cause it is difficult. I kinda fell into a bit of a depression and found it hard to get out and about. If you can avoid that and spend time with your new found mums it'll help in the long run, I think that would have made an immense difference for me, but I was so "down" and feeling alone I just couldn't. Best of luck to you, I know how hard it really is. Sorry, long winded, but basically, if I'd been able to see through the darkness, I think I would have enjoyed being there. Give it time and take time for yourself.


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  4. #4
    Bonkers is offline wishes she was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum, 'cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
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    im half in the same situation, but i moved from perth to qld, with only his family for support and we broke up and jst got back together (i was alone during this time) so now they hate my guts, an im always alone apart from my kids, but iv kinda got use to it, i miss everyone in perth. but im here now, and yea. hope ur ok

  5. #5
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    Hugs to you!

    We are in a similar situation as DH is in the army and we move every 3 yrs. currently in QLD with all my family and its looks like we are moving to melb next year. I'll have 2 babies and with the price of c/care it doest appear profitable for me to go to work (if I can find work that is part time).

    Can you join a local church? Church groups are great cos they often have playgroups/activities etc all quite cheaply.

  6. #6
    Bonkers is offline wishes she was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum, 'cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
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    it is expensive to work and put your kids in care, it will be like your just working to pay it


 

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