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  1. #1
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    Default URGENT! Help needed for a friend

    I really dont know where to post this but I am hoping it will get a lot of exposure here.

    A friend of mine has an 11 year old son who has major anger issues which she is trying her best to deal with, but he is out of control. She is desperately begging for help to deal with him as she has tried as much as she can and has now hit a wall.

    She is paying for him to see a psychiatrist, attend private boys school which he is on the boarder of being kicked out of, she is on the waiting list to see a psychologist and she just doesnt know what else she can do. No body seems to know where the anger comes from and therefore are not sure what they should be doing to treat it.

    I really dont have any more info as she isnt a very open person and usually doesnt ask for help, but today she has posted photos on face book of the damage he has done to her house - holes in walls, fixtures smashed etc. The police are constantly being called to her house by her neighbours when he goes off... my biggest concern is her other children having to witness it. She has another son who is 10 and 3 little girls aged 2-8 and I would hate to think what sort of damage - emotionally and physically, having a sibling in the house doing this is going to cause them.

    What can she do? Who else can she talk to? She doesnt have a lot of money and most of her spare cash is going into all these private Dr's etc to try and help but its just not working....

    ANY advice at all will be really appreciated!

    Thanks so much

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    Oh your poor friend

    Has your friend looked at dietary causes? Ask her to look on Sue Dengates website. Very interesting reading and there are many things she can do at home for it.

    I would be ringing around to get into a pyschologist and if she goes through her gp she can a mental health plan and get the appoitments free and then subzidised.

    Has the school tried to help? If it is private does he find the pressure of school to much? Learning disabilies been mentioned? He could be overwhelmed with it all. Does he have a strong male influence or has one left recently?? That could be a factor and maybe ask a male family memeber that is trusted to step up. I found the book 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph really good for this.

    As a last shot (and this is not implied in your post) could he have been abused in any way? I know children can act in anger and find it hard to speak. Maybe this can be approached if it has not already.

    I hope your poor friend can get alot of help from family, friends and professionals. Maybe you can offer to take the littliest ones so she can have some one on one with the the son?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aquillah View Post
    one on one with the the son
    Agree get away for a weekend and spend some real time together
    my DD1 had anger issues and we sat down and had a huge talk to get to the bottom of the issues

    once you know what the issues are an action plan is so much easier to come up with

    I would also say try to keep him out of "the system" as long as possible

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    When did the anger issues start? Can it be connected to anything, any change in his circumstances?

    I see no mention of his father in all this - is he in the child's life? If not, could he be harbouring anger over this? Feeling abandoned and unable to process hs feelings? If he has no father figure coud a friend or Uncle step in and do möre activities with him? If there is a father still around, why is this being left up to the mother. Perhaps more one on one time with dad.

    A lot woud also depend on what he says when hs mum talks to him. I presume she's tried to get him to open up about why he's so angry.

    What a difficult situation.

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    Thanks ladies.
    Like I said I really don't know alot of info and she is more of an acquaintance then a friend but that doesn't mean I dot want to help her if I can.
    The boy father is not in his life but I am not sure when he left. Mum has a partner which is he father of her 3rd and 4th child. There is no shortage of males in he male as they have a large network of cousins aunties uncles etc.
    In sure if he has been seeing a psychiatrist the father issue would have been discussed already?
    She is waiting to see a pediatrician so I will mention the diet thing to her and that might save her some money

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    Do you know if child services are involved at all?


    Please tell her not to give up hope on him just yet. This story reminds me so much of my younger brother. He started being aggressive after mum kicked dad out. He verbally and physically abused her. He was only 11 years old.
    He would call her all the disgusting names under the sun, punch and kick her. He started smoking pot and got in with a bad crowd.
    I remember once standing there and having him scream at me, frothing at the mouth, crying and screaming and throwing himself around the room smashing things up, and wondering where on earth my lovely caring little brother had gone. Who was this monster? It was like looking at a stranger.
    I kept asking him to calm down and talk to me, tell me what was wrong.....he launched himself at me, scratched my face and screamed into my face, spit flying everywhere ' I f******* hate you, I hate you, why dont you just die, mum never wanted you, she told me, you are unwanted so why dont you just go kill your F****** self'!!!!!!

    I hadnt actually done a thing wrong, I has just walked in the door and asked what was going on.

    He hated school and bunked off every day. He stole all mums money and spent it on cigs and pot. Everyone said he was a lost cause. Grandad told him he was going to end up in jail or dead. He didnt care.

    So many times we tried to talk to him when he was calm, he'd break down sobbing saying he wished he wasnt like this, he doesnt mean to get so angry but he cant stop. I used to feel so sorry for him.....you could see the emotional battle that was going on inside him.
    The next time something didnt go his way though, the abuse would start again.



    9 months later mum called child services and told them she couldnt cope anymore, they came and tried to take him out of the home to give mum a break, they physically removed him, with him clutching at the doorframe screaming and crying to mum to 'not let them take me'....mum was a total mess.
    He came back 2 days later even angrier. He hated. You could see it in his eyes, pure evil.He hated everything and everyone.

    Then one day a social worker came round and asked my bro what he enjoyed doing, apart from smoking dope and hanging with his mates.....He said he liked cooking and enjoyed cooking the odd meal for mum.He said he when he grew up he wanted to be a chef.

    This social worker made a few calls and got my bro on a cooking course 2 hours north in the middle of nowhere. It was for teens with emotional problems. He was taken out of school at 12, and instead went to this college 5 days a week.
    He absolutely loved it, came home with huge smiles and tales of what he made that day. His anger issues just went away, he stopped smoking, both pot and the cigs. It focused him, he looked forward to it and went to bed early every night as he had to be on a bus at 6.30am every morning to get there in time.Didnt get home till 6pm every night and was so exhausted he never wanted to hang round with these horrid boys anymore.

    He left 3 years later and started volunteering in a restaurant as a trainee.

    He is now 23 and works fulltime as a head chef. He has absolutely no anger issues.He always looks back on that time with such sadness for the way he treated my mother...he so wishes he could turn back time...

    If it hadnt been for that one social worker, my brother would probably be dead by now.

    So please dont write off child services. Despite what others think, they can really help.I guess it's just finding the right case worker.

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    I was also going to suggest getting some intolerance testing done. We have seen a great improvement in behavior and sleeping patterns here after adjusting our diets accordingly.

    There are lots of nasties hidden in food these days that can have a terrible effect on young people. Definitely something worth looking into.

    Best of luck to your friend and her son.

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    OMG gothchick, how horrible to have to be in that situation do you mind if I share your story with her? It may just be The happy ending story she needs right now.

    These are all great suggestions, I will pass them on

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    Absolutely, I dont mind at all.

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    That sounds so much like my little BIL. He was 11 when his problems started and is now 14 and the problem is ongoing. He is still verbally and occasionally physically abusive towards his mother, punches holes in the walls and barely has anything to call his own as he has broken it all.

    His mother got to the point where she couldn't handle it anymore and sent him to live with DH and I. Here he was perfect. Couldn't fault him. Went to school everyday, never talked back, did what he was asked, went to bed on time, helped with a few chores. With the birth of my DS and such great behaviour for so long we decided to see if he could live at home again. It's better than it was but he still has outbursts.

    At the start of his problems he was diagnosed with a condition, Oppositional Disorder or similar.

    To a degree I think his mother contributed to making the situation worse. out of that environment he's a lot better. Is there somewhere else that he could live for a little while, a close family member perhaps?

    The other thing that helped him I think was that my DH is his big brother. He respects him very much and that helped him with his good behaviour. It sounds like this boy doesn't have a constant male role model and perhaps not one that he looks up to? Is something like a "big brother" available? Perhaps that could help? Someone he can hang out with, have as a good role model, etc on a regular basis. Also to give him attention. Being the eldest, especially with very little siblings it's possible he's seeking attention and love?


 

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