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  1. #81
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    Late twenties? long term boyfriend??
    I think your folks are still treating her like a child.

    I was sixteen when my parents let me have my boyfriend stay. I had a very open and honest relationship with them and they realised 'it' was going to happen anyway, may as well be in the safe environment of home.

    He ended up moving in with us so we could save for a deposit on our first home. At 20 years old we were home owners.

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    Quote Originally Posted by share a book View Post
    They can choose to go elsewhere and I believe they are ok with married couples sharing a room.
    If sharing a bed when married is ok, why is a long term partner any different? Some people rush down the aisle, others take their time or don't marry at all. Is my de facto partnership any less legitimate a relationship than that of my married brother? I'd like to think not - but by drawing this clear distinction it really devalues the relationship OP's sister has with her partner. And no-one has the right to do that - "my house, my rules" or not.

    IMO, society has largely moved away from the days where a boyfriend is a boyfriend and a husband is a husband. I consider my boyfriend to be the same as if he were my husband. We might not have married, but we have all the same legal rights and obligations to each other and I do not need a ring or a piece of paper to know that I choose him forever.

    You are right - they could elect to go elsewhere. But perhaps OP's sister likes her own home? I can't understand why she would given how her parents view her relationship with her partner as one unworthy of sharing a bed, however all her stuff is probably there and I remember how annoying it was going back and forth between mine & DPs place when we first started dating.

    What confuses me so much is why OPs parents feel that it is less her sisters home than it is theirs? I could never live with my parents again, however they have always made it clear to me that I can come and go from their home as I please and bring my friends as and when I like. I never took the mickey with this when I lived there - bringing home randoms or weird stuff like that - but it doesn't sound as if OPs sister is doing this either. Every family is different, but as I said in a previous post, this kind of dictatorship to a woman in her late 20's - well for me, it would be an easy way to quickly and completely alienate me.

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  4. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eko View Post
    I think there's disrespect on all sides, and perhaps a lot of naivety too.

    So in all the years that she's lived under their roof, they've never had sex whilst she was there? Night time shenanigans weren't indulged in out of respect for the sleeping children in the same house who might feel uncomfortable if they knew that their parents were doing the bad thing not 20 meters away? I feel it's disrespectful to expect her to live up to a standard that they've imposed when they haven't lived up to it themselves.

    Their house, their rules... I guess I can understand and appreciate that to a degree. But their rules sound pretty "do as I say, not as I do" which doesn't sit well with me.
    I think boyfriend is being disrespectful if he's using the amenities like a god given right and not offering money or labor in the form of gardening/cleaning duties etc and showing his appreciation by voicing it regularly.

    But my biggest beef is this. What happens if they get married and have 2.5 kids and bring the kids to visit grandma and grandpa for a holiday. Do mummy and daddy have to sleep in separate beds? And if so, are grandma and grandpa going to go through the weirdness of explaining why mummy and daddy can't sleep in the same bed there? Not likely. If someone said to me that as a woman in my late 20s, I couldn't share a bed with my long term boyfriend I'd say "Fine. Give me a call when you can be bothered to acknowledge that I am now an adult who can make their own decisions". And they wouldn't see me again until that day.
    While logically it makes no sense, they would feel differently about the matter if my sister was married or had lived with her boyfriend prior to sharing a bed with him under their roof. For them, those things are indicative of a 'real' relationship. Should my adult sister have to prove herself to my parents. No.

    I also think there's some confusion about how my parents have approached the issue. They've twice expressed their discomfort with the issue. They have not been stomping around yelling 'my house, my rules!'

    I guess I just can't imagine living in my parent's house and repeatedly making a decision I know they are uncomfortable with, especially when I have an alternative (however undesirable it may be)

  5. #84
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    I just wanted to thank everyone who responded my post. I am especially thankful for the respectful manner in which everyone did so. Thanks again for your opinions guys

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    Quote Originally Posted by becandabub View Post
    If sharing a bed when married is ok, why is a long term partner any different? Some people rush down the aisle, others take their time or don't marry at all. Is my de facto partnership any less legitimate a relationship than that of my married brother? I'd like to think not - but by drawing this clear distinction it really devalues the relationship OP's sister has with her partner. And no-one has the right to do that - "my house, my rules" or not.

    IMO, society has largely moved away from the days where a boyfriend is a boyfriend and a husband is a husband. I consider my boyfriend to be the same as if he were my husband. We might not have married, but we have all the same legal rights and obligations to each other and I do not need a ring or a piece of paper to know that I choose him forever.

    You are right - they could elect to go elsewhere. But perhaps OP's sister likes her own home? I can't understand why she would given how her parents view her relationship with her partner as one unworthy of sharing a bed, however all her stuff is probably there and I remember how annoying it was going back and forth between mine & DPs place when we first started dating.

    What confuses me so much is why OPs parents feel that it is less her sisters home than it is theirs? I could never live with my parents again, however they have always made it clear to me that I can come and go from their home as I please and bring my friends as and when I like. I never took the mickey with this when I lived there - bringing home randoms or weird stuff like that - but it doesn't sound as if OPs sister is doing this either. Every family is different, but as I said in a previous post, this kind of dictatorship to a woman in her late 20's - well for me, it would be an easy way to quickly and completely alienate me.
    My mum's house is her house. My house is my house. My father's house is his house. Different homes are run in different ways. When visiting each other, these rules need to be respected. My parents would not have that rule for us, but then my older brother never had girls stay the night, he never had a gf til uni and by then he had his own place. My little bro moved in with his gf and they did not stay at mum's place either. And me, well, I don't have boyfriends lol, so that won't come up for us. But then there are still rules and ways in which each home is run and we need to either have respect, or stay elsewhere. I don't see how that can be hard to get.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sloppykissesmonsterhugs View Post
    No, marriage is not the issue here.
    Quote Originally Posted by sloppykissesmonsterhugs View Post
    While logically it makes no sense, they would feel differently about the matter if my sister was married...
    So marriage is the issue, or it isn't?

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    Probably is a little but disrespectful, but she's late 20's. I think she's big enough to share a bed with her partner at your parents' house!

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    Your parents are allowing it to happen...so...if they really don't want it to they should act and say so.

    I would allow my kids to have partners sleep over once they are 18. I just find it ridiculous to be uncomfortable about your grown offspring behaving in a thoroughly normal way by having sex.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Witchypoo View Post
    Your parents are allowing it to happen...so...if they really don't want it to they should act and say so.

    I would allow my kids to have partners sleep over once they are 18. I just find it ridiculous to be uncomfortable about your grown offspring behaving in a thoroughly normal way by having sex.
    Yeah, I get that most people find it ridiculous that parents would be uncomfortable with their grown offspring sharing a bed under their roof. My folks are edging closer to 70 though and are of a european background. They belong to a completely different generation.

    But whether the issue is sex or something more trivial, do they not reserve the right to have their feelings respected?

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    Absolutely they do. In age and in culture they're not part of a generation that sees unmarried sex as appropriate under their roof. I think they've actually made huge compromises and been extremely accomadating, considering the context as you have explained it. The sooner your sister is out of the house and leading her own life the better for everyone. In the mean time, I do feel for you that she is not respecting their values. Both your sister and her bf have been taking advantage of your parents' values in different ways - and I do find their behaviour disrespectful and inappropriate given that they are adults and have other options and opportunities to conduct their relationship in the way that they wish.


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