+ Reply to Thread
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 22
  1. #11
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    1,862
    Thanks
    164
    Thanked
    497
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I think it's good that you know it happened and can talk to your dd about it and how she felt and the 'appropriateness' of it.

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to Hannahly For This Useful Post:

    Oblena  (06-02-2012)

  3. #12
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    7
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    9
    Reviews
    0
    In my experieince in working with children who have been sexually abused and/or who display probelm sexual behaviours, this type of 'play' from what you have described seems fairly 'normal' and age-appropriate. However, even 'normal' sexual behaviours in and between children are still an opportunity to educate our children about personal safety and healthy boundaries and it seems that you have done a really good job in trying to do that with your daughter.

    In my work we recommend parents use a really basic 3-step response to such behaviours: 1/ label the behaviour (e.g I saw you two were playing massages and touching each others private parts etc etc) 2/ state the rules (e.g we don't touch each other's private parts in this house) and 3/ redirect the behaviour (e.g. lets go outside and jump on the trampoline). It is very important not to make the children feel ashamed or embarrased for their behaviour.

    Family Planning Queensland have some excellent resources on their website around sexual behaviours/development in children, you should check it out.

  4. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Leesylu For This Useful Post:

    BbBbBh  (05-02-2012),chameleon  (06-02-2012),ComeBackKid  (06-02-2012),GluttonForPunishment  (06-02-2012),MissMuppet  (06-02-2012),MuminMind  (05-02-2012),Oblena  (06-02-2012)

  5. #13
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1,363
    Thanks
    467
    Thanked
    357
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I had a similar experience when I was a child. I don't remember exactly what happened but we were playing doctors and ended up touching each other and doing other things :| I think subconsciously I knew it was inappropriate as I confessed to my mother that night and she never let me see the girl again. Though I did run into her at the shops recently and that was awkward to say the least!!!!!
    I was about 5 at the time and was definitely never sexually abused (though after the incident I think my mother believed I was and this lead to the breakdown of my parents marriage). I think it's experimental and harmless. I think it's good to intervene and let the kids know that it isn't an appropriate game and that they are private areas. Everything you did with your DD sounded great, well done

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to squirrelex For This Useful Post:

    Oblena  (06-02-2012)

  7. #14
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    6,372
    Thanks
    422
    Thanked
    1,168
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I am not reading other replies but I think you responded well really. The only thing is maybe you shouldn't be angry with the other girl either. Curiosity and these type of games are kind of normal and I think most kids try it once or twice and move on.. I hope the other little girl does not get in trouble either. I also think its great how open your daughter could be with you and that you had discussed it before too. I am dreading these situations and the awkwardness of it all!

    Sent from my BlackBerry 9100 using Tapatalk

  8. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to bumMum For This Useful Post:

    Caviar  (06-02-2012),Oblena  (06-02-2012)

  9. #15
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1,002
    Thanks
    268
    Thanked
    641
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I think you responded perfectly.

    I remember playing something similar with my sister when we were very young and getting caught, it was so humiliating because there was nothing sinister about it, we were just curious to see what eachothers bits looked like.

    That said there is a difference between looking and touching, and the fact that your DD knew that was her private area and that noone is to touch it but herself, and then allowing this girl to do it is what worries me.

    It makes me want to go and explain to my DD that when I say no one is to touch her private area, I mean no one, I dont just mean big bad men, I dont just mean adults, I mean NO ONE.
    I guess your DD didnt see her friend as a threat which is why she allowed it....

    That's the other thing you need to explain, that it felt nice isnt justification for her to allow the girl to continue doing it.

    I would try not to think too badly of the friend, my cousin did something like this and was labeled a child molesterer by the times she was 8. I dont think she ever got over it.

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to GothChick For This Useful Post:

    Oblena  (06-02-2012)

  11. #16
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Somewhere in Vic...Bubhubbing!
    Posts
    2,288
    Thanks
    302
    Thanked
    526
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Okay I posted this in another thread as someone had experienced a similar situation with their child and my experience seems relevant here as well.

    This is just another perspective and something which has happened to me and my DS....not saying its what is happening with you but just something we have gone through.

    My nephew is 7.5 and DS is 6.5. From about the age of 4.5 the nephew was engaging in behaviour that I thought was inappropriate with my son and on his own. He would wash my sons bottom if they had a bath together (he would have an erection doing this), my sis would tell me that he would put things up his own bottom as he said that he liked it. Over the years he would take my son somewhere private and take his pants down and then would touch my son. DS would come to me and tell me saying he didnt like it and didnt want to do it but nephew made him.

    My DS is also a very sensitive boy who doesnt have the self confidence to say No to other kids that have more confidence IYKWIM so he would be in these situations wanting them to stop but just not having the confidence to say so.

    I spoke with my sis about this be she brushed it off saying it was 'normal' behaviour. I spoke with my Health Nurse and she was incredibly alarmed at what was happening and gave me recommendations as what to do. I spoke again with my sis but she again brushed it off.

    Because she was so nonchalant about it I made sure that whenever DS and nephew were together that they were never alone and if I did catch him doing this I spoke with him about it.

    Now it has come to light that a 15yo boy in the neighborhood has been molesting nephews friend for over 4 years - at school and at home. I wont go into the specifics but its awful. And the friend has been doing the some of the same things to the nephew….and the nephew in turn was doing it to my son.

    My son has expressed that he doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to do it and in my eyes he is being abused….its a terrible situation especially as the children involved are doing things that they don’t necessarily know is wrong.

    I have taught my kids that no-one should touch their p3nies, etc but my sister never did that with nephew as she thought nothing like that would happen. Now she wishes she did as maybe all this wouldn’t have happened.

    Now I am not saying that your DDs friend is being abused and she may be exposed to some things that she shouldn’t be exposed to at such a young age BUT if you think its wrong and inappropriate then it is. If your DD is saying she doesn’t like it then that is when you need to step in and ensure it doesn’t happen again.

    I completely understand sexual exploration in young children happen...I totally get that, but its a matter what they are doing and how they are doing it and at what age needs to be looked at.

    This document has a great table in it (on page 12) that describes what is normal and what behaviour is of concern. It may help address some of what you are asking - http://www.ais.sa.edu.au/__files/f/7...blemSexual.pdf

    All you can do is explain as pps have said that 'no we dont touch other people and they dont touch us' because they are private. And just keep reiterating that if anyone like their friends, etc does something they dont like to come and talk to you and you wont be mad.

    Unfortunately as my sister is still sticking her head in the sand about all this that whenever they are together I have to keep an extra eye on them. When I cant seem them I will always go and see what they are doing (I do anyway but I am extra vigilant) and its probably what you will have to do now as well.

    I wish you all the best.

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to FluffyDucks For This Useful Post:

    Oblena  (06-02-2012)

  13. #17
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1,002
    Thanks
    268
    Thanked
    641
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    That's a good point Michelle, I guess it depends on the frequency of this kind of thing happening and also what the action itself is.
    It was pretty obvious that your nephew was being abused by someone, but if this thing with the OP's DD's friend was just a one off I wouldnt be too concerned.
    Last edited by GothChick; 06-02-2012 at 07:42.

  14. The Following User Says Thank You to GothChick For This Useful Post:

    Oblena  (06-02-2012)

  15. #18
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1,002
    Thanks
    268
    Thanked
    641
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Okay I have tried not to respond but I have to.


    "My nephew is 7.5 and DS is 6.5. From about the age of 4.5 the nephew was engaging in behaviour that I thought was inappropriate with my son and on his own. He would wash my sons bottom if they had a bath together (he would have an erection doing this), my sis would tell me that he would put things up his own bottom as he said that he liked it. Over the years he would take my son somewhere private and take his pants down and then would touch my son. DS would come to me and tell me saying he didnt like it and didnt want to do it but nephew made him."

    It went on for 2 years and you didnt trust your own instincts. ALWAYS trust your own instincts. If you feel it is inappropriate it probably is, and in your situation is absolutely was.

  16. #19
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Somewhere in Vic...Bubhubbing!
    Posts
    2,288
    Thanks
    302
    Thanked
    526
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by GothChick View Post
    Okay I have tried not to respond but I have to.


    "My nephew is 7.5 and DS is 6.5. From about the age of 4.5 the nephew was engaging in behaviour that I thought was inappropriate with my son and on his own. He would wash my sons bottom if they had a bath together (he would have an erection doing this), my sis would tell me that he would put things up his own bottom as he said that he liked it. Over the years he would take my son somewhere private and take his pants down and then would touch my son. DS would come to me and tell me saying he didnt like it and didnt want to do it but nephew made him."

    It went on for 2 years and you didnt trust your own instincts. ALWAYS trust your own instincts. If you feel it is inappropriate it probably is, and in your situation is absolutely was.
    I did trust my instincts....it was in the post but to clarify I spoke with my Health Nurse and I also spoke with my sister about it. My Health Nurse told me to no longer see my sis and nephew as the behaviour was inappropriate and when I spoke to my sis she said the behaviour WAS appropriate as thats what her Health Nurse said.

    Unfortunately I couldnt not see my sister so I had to take it upon myself to constantly monitor the boys when they were together so if I saw something I could hopefully help my nephew when my sis was ignoring the problem.

    What do you do? Alienate your sister and potenitally leave the nephew in a damaging situation or try to help the nephew because sister wasnt doing it.

    Double edged sword So I did the best I could to protect my DS and help nephew as well.

  17. #20
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Adelaide foothills
    Posts
    753
    Thanks
    462
    Thanked
    426
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    No offence Michelle N but your situation has nothing at all to do with that described by the OP and leads the potential to have it blown out of proportion.

    Touching private parts isn't dirty or wrong, it's normal curious behaviour for children to engage in and happens all the time. It's we as adults who sully it. While I'm not saying that such incidents should be ignored, I do strongly feel (having watched similar situations go very pear shaped due to overreactions) that it should be taken in the context of innocence.

    I've engaged in a similar way that Leesylu describes (ie Name it, Rule it, Redirect it) and this has worked really well. Blaming and getting angry with the alleged perpetrator only cements bad feelings and other behaviours that last well into that child's adulthood (as well as the other participant/s) and does no good.
    Last edited by Caviar; 06-02-2012 at 13:16.


 

Similar Threads

  1. *trigger warning* Advice dealing with self harm
    By CluckySC in forum General Chat
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 21-10-2012, 23:17
  2. *possible Trigger warning* inappropriate touching; educating your kids
    By Zombie_eyes in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 29-05-2012, 10:09
  3. Any advice at all *possible trigger warning*
    By 3'llhavetodo in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 25-03-2012, 21:23

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Ro&Co
Share magical moments this Christmas with this gorgeous gingerbread house. Exclusively available in Brisbane, with FREE delivery in Brisbane Metro areas. Each Christmas Centrepiece is unique and made to order, from $240.
sales & new stuffsee all
Pea Pods
Buy 2 Award Winning Pea Pods Reusable One Size Nappies for only $38 (in your choice of colours) and receive a FREE roll of Bamboo Liners. Don't miss out, we don't usually have discounts on the nappies, so grab this special offer!
Special Offer! Save $12
featured supporter
Baby Monitors
Looking to buy a baby monitor? :: Read viewer reviews of baby monitors BEFORE you buy :: Buy at a local or online Baby Nursery Shop
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!