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  1. #1
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    Default Another separation

    So here I am, another mum facing the role of a single parent. I am not often on here, but don't want to chance anyone working out who I am as we haven't told anyone yet.

    I told DH last night that we need to separate. I am on here for so many reasons so I'll just ramble and if you can help me with any of them please, please do.

    Firstly, I feel guilty for breaking up our family. We have an 18 month old and a 3 1/2 year old. I think the younger one is too little to be too greatly affected, but it is going to break the heart of my perceptive, intelligent, sensitive older one. Does anyone have any tips on breaking the news to him.

    I feel so guilty because my DH is not a bad man - he is a gentleman who really wants to be the best husband and father he can. He is a great father, but he is just not a great husband. He is really emotionally stunted, he shows no affection, we have had no intimacy, physical or otherwise for over 3 years and he just does not "care" for me. The final straw was when he took the kids for a walk, the 3 1/2 year old fell and skun his knee and wanted mummy. DH brought them back and I started comforting the 3 1/2 year old. So the younger one wanted mum as well and started crawling all over me and bumping the sore knee. And DH just watched. I was struggling to give them both what they needed and he just watched. He doesn't let me know when he won't be home for the older ones bedtime (due to work), so I can't prepare him and he gets really upset. He never kisses me, hugs me, tells me his hopes and dreams. He is really controlled and measured and never really lets go. He has no close friends, no interests, does not want to explore different interests that I have suggested together, nothing. For him it is the kids and work and I just can't live like that. But he is not a bad man. How on earth do I get over the guilt?

    Finally I have suggested that instead of unheaving the kids he and I swap houses. So we rent a house and when he has access I pack a few essentials and go there and the rest of the time he lives there. Has anyone done this and how did it go.

    So I've rambled and I hope some of you have made it this far. I am just so devastated and lost but I hope that someone can help me work through this to minimise the impact on my beautiful children. Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
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    This doesnt seem break up worthy tbh it seems like a communication thing, I think you could prevent a break up with some communication and maybe counseling, could he be depressed? He could maybe take some parenting classes so he can learn. Does he have a hobby? Like my hubby loves bowling so we will be joining a bowling league and be able to hang out with adults and make some new friends maybe he can make new friends through a hobby.

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    Oh thank you for responding and yes I have left some major details out. We went to counselling for 4 years. He rarely divulged anything and took none of the advice of the counsellor. I have been very open about what he can do to make me feel loved and appreciated - he does none of it. He does have depression and is on meds, but I can't be miserable because he is. I have urged him over and over again to take up things that interest him (guitar playing, continue motorbike riding, catch up with mates) - he does none of them. I asked him to go walking with me - he does not like walking. We started dance classes together - he didn't like them. I have asked him what he would like to do together - he cannot come up with anything. I just have no idea what else to do to make our life together happy.

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    And to be honest your reaction is the one that I have dreaded - that I am overreacting but I honestly feel I have done all I can to make our marriage work and nothing has. I am not sure that I love him any more as he has given me nothing to love. No, he doesn't beat me or abuse me or put me down but we have not connected for years. We are on completely different pages. I guess what I am saying is that I am doing what I have to do to make ME happy, I have given him so many opportunities to make it work, but I need help in NOT feeling guilty about the decision I have made and easing the path for my kids.

  5. #5
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    Hugs. Sounds draining and frustrating.
    Some men just don't change no matter what you do.
    I understand he has depression but you are right it's not for you to go through also. It's not fair for you to be dragged down with him.
    I have been in a slightly similar position and it was horrid.
    He just sat there doing his thing, no talking, no fighting nothing. Just blank empty.
    Only you know how you feel maybe time apart will do you some good, maybe it will be a awake up call for him... Maybe not.
    For me I just fell out of love I ended up feeling nothing for him. Which made the breakup easier to deal with.

    All the best.

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  7. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by another anonymous View Post
    Oh thank you for responding and yes I have left some major details out. We went to counselling for 4 years. He rarely divulged anything and took none of the advice of the counsellor. I have been very open about what he can do to make me feel loved and appreciated - he does none of it. He does have depression and is on meds, but I can't be miserable because he is. I have urged him over and over again to take up things that interest him (guitar playing, continue motorbike riding, catch up with mates) - he does none of them. I asked him to go walking with me - he does not like walking. We started dance classes together - he didn't like them. I have asked him what he would like to do together - he cannot come up with anything. I just have no idea what else to do to make our life together happy.
    Quote Originally Posted by another anonymous View Post
    And to be honest your reaction is the one that I have dreaded - that I am overreacting but I honestly feel I have done all I can to make our marriage work and nothing has. I am not sure that I love him any more as he has given me nothing to love. No, he doesn't beat me or abuse me or put me down but we have not connected for years. We are on completely different pages. I guess what I am saying is that I am doing what I have to do to make ME happy, I have given him so many opportunities to make it work, but I need help in NOT feeling guilty about the decision I have made and easing the path for my kids.
    must be rough I think that maybe you should get help from a child councelor on how to handle the 3 year old good luck to you

  8. #7
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    bellalika is offline I'm trying my hardest, please don't ask for more.
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    Your relationship sounds very similar to my parents. Mum nearly left years ago. She didn't. Now Dad has retired (today is his first day) and she has been in tears with dread. She can't imagine spending all day with him doing nothing.

    As far as I see it there are three options. 1) tolerate it. 2) take a break and see if it is the kick in the pants he needs. 3) separate permanently. If it were me I'd go with the second knowing that it could turn into the third.

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    Thank you Janesmum123 and Love my fam. REally appreciate the feedback so far.

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    If the love isn't there, is isn't there.

    Marriage isn't a business deal, and you need to do what makes you feel happy, alive and loved. Your husband can't provide that for you, and it seems hasn't for a long time. You don't to have a major reason like "he is abusive" to not want to be with someone. If he is cold and his personality is ok with only existing for work and the kids, then where do you fit in? I think your feelings of wanting more for yourself are very legitimate.

    I have watched marriages last until the kids leave home or the husband retired, and like bella said about her parents, the wife suddenly was in a pannic over spending time with their husband. They built up their life not relying on their husbands to be there emotionally. Others have divorced when their kids leave home and every one of them have said "I should have done this 20 years ago".

    If you can both part ways now happily, I think it is a better option than slowly letting yourself drop into the background, or start feeling hate or resentment which could make life harder.

    A lot of friends I grew up with had their parents revolving in and out of the family house. So the kids stayed in the family home and the parents took turns in the rental. I think it works really well and is a great idea.

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    I really feel for you being in this horrible place of decision making...

    Sounds to me like you've tried to make this work but your husband is either too depressed/medicated to care or has checked out of the relationship already.

    Did he start loosing interest in life on starting meds or before that?
    A change in medication may help him get his zest for life back..
    You might have tried that already..
    Also do you feel that he could be the person he used to be or are you just over it?

    Using a joint apartment may work for a short while but you will need to get the kids used to their dads new place early on..

    If you're sure about wanting to move on then earlier your children are aware if it then the better I believe.

    There is no point in staying in a dead marriage .. If you move on now your kids are young enough to be ok with it and gives you a good chance of finding a new partner while they're young still.

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