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  1. #1
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    Question Looking for help with DD8 behaviour.....

    Hi Everyone
    My DD is 8 (9 in june), Since she was 4 i have had MASSIVE issues with her behaviour. She doesn't listen, is very diffiant, Gets VERY angry where she will swear, throw things, call me awful things and just goes nuts. I have taken her to a peadatrician but i just can't afford it, she has also seen a councellor and they had no answers for me except that she may have a mild form of aspergers syndrome. 2 years ago he dad and i split up so that has made things worse as he has been saying the most inapporiate, awful things to her and our DS3. Saying i split the family up, ruined all their lives and that i am a f****ng S**t which they always call me when they are angry. He tells them to be naughty and that i'm just an awful person. My DD just doesn't listen to ANYTHING and i'm not exagerating!. I always seem to be yelling, sending her to her room, we never seem to have any fun, and when we do go somewhere as soon as we are home she just starts been naughty again. i'm to scared to put her anywhere else (as timeout) or she might break stuff whiles she angry...My DS is not as bad but as he grows up seeing DD i'm worried he will be like that. I love my daughter but i just don't connect with her anymore, I feel like such a failure sometimes as i just can't control my kids. Any advice, tips, help would be greatly appreciated
    Thanks You..Michelle

  2. #2
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    Hi Michelle, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. And I'm sorry your children are experiencing it too.

    What your ex in doing is extremely damaging and just not on. It's quite abusive to them as well as you. It'll mess with their heads and probably fuels all the anger your dd feels.

    However, you don't have control over what he says and does, you only have control over what you say and do.

    Show your children that you are not the person he describes. Keep on showing your goodness their whole lives and when they are grown they will see your ex's words and real-life fact are two different things.

    When we have conflict with a child over behaviour it can often spiral down and down. It sometimes just never gets better, only worse. You can find yourself looking at your child like she is a bad person and she can start to look at herself the same way. She may have a tendency to say to herself: "Well I'm bad. I get the message that I'm bad and that's exactly what I'm going to be." And she continues to spiral more and more out of control - out of your control.

    I knew a wonderful teacher once - older and well experienced. She'd travelled the world teaching and lectured to students at university. I was lucky enough to be a student of hers and I loved to observe her with children, she was magic.

    She had the ability to 'let go' of a child's previous behaviour. She always seemed to approach children with a fresh outlook even if they had just done something terrible. She looked at children (even the worst ones!) like they were good as good and had simply made a mistake. She never seemed to hold a grudge - not even for 10 minutes.

    When she spoke to children she spoke to that 'goodness' within. She seemed to address it and it worked! It was drawn out in them and the kids felt good about themselves and wanted to do 'the right thing'.

    She always showed that she believed in each child and believed that deep down they wanted to be good. And deep down, I believe that children do want this. But having a person like your ex around, is poison to a child.

    There are some great positive parenting strategies to try with children which don't involve yelling, shaming or punishment. They take some figuring out and some extra time but they are designed to appeal to that 'goodness' within a child.
    There are books and courses you can do. Even phone numbers to ring (like parent help line).

    Aside from those techniques though, if you are feeling disconnected to your dd, maybe you could do something spontaneous and fun with her - like go out to an icecream parlour. Or visit some markets and buy something nice. Or go for a walk and climb on the monkey bars at the park together.

    My dd's behaviour has at times completely turned me off her. I've wanted to get into my car and simply drive away from her. And then I remember her as a newborn. I remember looking at her in her hospital crib and being awestruck. Was this tiny person really mine to love and care for? Will I always be able to do that? I remember her this way and realize she is still that same baby. She needs to be treated as an innocent learner. I wouldn't want to scream at a baby and and therefore I don't want to scream at her now. Playing with my dd brings me back to that mother-baby bond I used to feel. I feel we love each other the most and she appreciates me the most when we just hang out and have a lark.

    If diet is a bit junky then see if you can reduce some of the treats. I notice instant changes in my dd's behaviour if she eats even so much as a 'shapes' biscuits. My neighbour's boy eats this kind of food for brekky lunch dinner and in-between. His behaviour is always hyped and loud and because those foods are always present, we can never know what he might be like without them. I bet he'd be a lot calmer.

    I think you can bring your daughter back into control. I believe it is definately possible to turn this around. But I don't think it will be quick and without it's setbacks. (eg: becoming badly behaved after returning home from somewhere). Try to start each day new. Try to look at her through fresh eyes, even after an incident. It's hard because to do this we need to appeal to our own 'goodness' and become almost angelic rather than human to be this patient and forgiving. Can you do it? Of course you can!

    Erase your mistakes and well as hers and keep trying to improve on the day before.

    And find some free professional help with behaviour management. It is available. Contact the government agencies that support families: in QLD ringing Child Health would be the best starting point. Not sure about other states.

    I hope my waffle is helpful in some way. I'm just writing as thoughts come to mind. I feel sad for you and your children in this situation. Childhood is a one-time event and you don't get it back...so it needs to be as positive a time as possible. I hope you find the way up! All the very best to you.


 

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