I am new to this so apologies if I say something wrong. I am 37 years old and last year I fell pregnant, but it ended in a 'blighted ovum' diagnosis. I thought I had gotten to ten weeks, and then I started to bleed. The week before I had even commented worriedly 'I don't feel pregnant anymore.'.
Probably stupidly I had told my family, work and friends that I was pregnant, but is some ways I was glad I had because it made it easy to be absent a few days as I was going through the mc.
Anyways as I said I started to bleed at ten weeks, went to the hospital and they sent me to the city (an hour away) to have my first ultrasound. I had not been told I could have had an ultrasound earlier than 10 weeks and silly me had trusted the doc on that. So me and DH raced down to the city ultrasound place, not sure what to think as the doc at the hospital had suggested that she thought everything would be fine and this ultrasound was just to check things. After the car broke down briefly on the way and we discovered our mobile service had been cut off (it was like some weird nightmare day) we finally got there. I was in pain from drinking too much water in preparation but finally we got in to have the scan.
I didn't realise I was still so full of hope until I saw the blackness of where I was being scanned and worse yet the face of the ultrasound guy as he did his work. OMG he looked mortified and I almost thought he was going to tell us that we had some horribly disfigured alien baby in there, instead he told us we had nothing.
I felt like my heart was ripped out of my body in that moment.
He said it looked like I had a gestational sac that was only about 6 weeks and there was no baby in it. I wish someone had prepared me better for this possibility. DH and I were dumbfounded. It felt like we had been tricked, that some horrible joke had been played on us. Wrongly perhaps we felt embarassed and shamed, almost as if we had lied to everyone and we agreed then and there that we wouldn't tell anyone that apparently we never had actually had a baby at all, well maybe we had for a moment but for four weeks we had strutted around feeling pleased as punch that we had created a little someone, it now felt like we had been lying to everyone.
We went away that weekend and we cried and cried. Neither of us had been entirely certain we would be good parents, that we were cut out for this baby thing, but by 10 weeks we had finally decided we were up for the challenge and we were going to do our absolute best at it.
The doctor I saw when I was pregnant never did any tests on me except the same test I had done (peeing on a stick). Should she have done more? It is normal not to book someone in for an ultrasound until they get to 11 weeks? Probably I am just looking for some way to feel less of a fool.
My heart still feels ripped out, but I am TTC again (mind you DH has said he is a bit scared to want to try hard, which I can understand, but I am also scared because I am not getting any younger).
I am kind of imagining I think that I am pregnant again already. I keep hoping that this onset of thrush I have right now although I have done nothing to cause it (you know the usual stuff eating sweet yeasty things, or wearing tight knickers, etc) and my slightly touchy boobs are early signs, but I am probably kidding myself.
I am rambling and apologies again as I tend to be a TMI kind of person. I am not actually sure why I am posting here except that I was hoping some could identify with how I am feeling, and how it felt to lose my 'imagined' baby.
I'll leave it at that and see if anyone has any comments.
My heart goes out to all who have had similar experiences.