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  1. #1
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    Default Birthing on her own

    My friend called me tonight and is starting to get a bit anxious leading up to EDD next month. She separated when she was 4 months pregnant and has been adamant that her ex will not be at the birth. She has turned down offers of a support person and plans to do it on her own. I will look after her other children during her labour but she has a few questions that I couldn't answer so for those of you who have been on their own:


    -when did you let the FOB know what was happening? Before you went to the hospital, during labour, after baby was born or the next day?
    -does she morally, ethically, legally have to have FOB see the baby in the hospital? She doesn't want to be anywhere near him herself so wondered how it would be done?
    -how hard is it not to have a support person? She had a late term miscarriage on her own at the hospital so knows from that experience it is possible but this is a bit different.
    -this is her first VBAC. Should I be encouraging her to have a support person on 'stand by' just in case?
    -will the hospital staff turn the father away if she really doesn't want him there?
    -how did you juggle access visits in the first few days/weeks?

    Lots of questions so thanks for sharing your idea and knowledge.

  2. #2
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    I don't really have any experience or advice to offer but I just wanted to pass on best wishes to your friend. She must be an amazingly strong woman to even consider birthing on her own - I know that I certainly couldn't do it.


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    The hospital can refuse the FOB if it is the mothers wish. I witnessed a situation with the other lady in my room, it really was quite awful... She was there with her husband when another man came in claiming to be the actual father of the baby, I buzzed the nurse and he was asked to leave as the mother didn't want him there and the hospital had to go into lockdown because things turned violent.
    Good luck to her, I couldn't birth on my own!

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    The only ones i can answer are:

    I would not let FOB know until after the birth, the last thing she needs is to be stressing about him storming in when she should be birthing/ bonding with newborn.

    And secondly, if she requests no one at her birth, the midwives will absolutely not let anyone in, not even FOB.

    Oh and i wouldnt be concerned about her wanting to birth alone. I could quite happily birth alone. Birth is a private time and i see no need for an audience.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BbBbBh View Post

    I AM USING SHOUTING TEXT TO DIFFERENTIATE FROM THE ORIGINAL POST. SORRY, I DONT KNOW HOW TO USE ITALICS OR ANY FANCY STUFF. I WASN'T ALONE FOR MY BIRTH BUT THOUGHT I'D THROW MY IDEAS INTO THE MIX ANYWAY.

    -when did you let the FOB know what was happening? Before you went to the hospital, during labour, after baby was born or the next day?
    I'D LET HIM KNOW AS SOON AS SHE IS READY FOR VISITORS, SO PROBABLY SEVERAL HOURS AFTER THE BIRTH, ONCE BUB HAS HAD A FEED AND MUM HAS HAD A SHOWER (IF THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS) I WOULDN'T WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY UNLESS BUB WAS BORN AT NIGHT. FOR BUB'S SAKE I'D HAVE HIM COME SOONER RATHER THAN LATER, AS THAT MIGHT HELP THEM TO BOND. I WOULD NOT TELL HIM DURING LABOUR IF SHE DOESN'T WANT HIM AT THE BIRTH.
    -does she morally, ethically, legally have to have FOB see the baby in the hospital? She doesn't want to be anywhere near him herself so wondered how it would be done? IM NOT SURE OF THE LEGAL OBLIGATIONS BUT AS I SAID EARLIER ID HAVE HIM COME SOONER. DELAYING HIM IF HE WANTS TO COME WILL ONLY HARM THE RELATIONSHIP FURTHER AND PUT HIM IN A DEFENSIVE LITIGIOUS MINDSET. OR HE MIGHT JUST WIPE HIS HANDS OF THE BABY, WHICH WOULD BE SAD FOR THE BABY. THE NURSES CAN SUPERVISE A VISIT IN THE NURSERY IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE HIM
    -how hard is it not to have a support person? She had a late term miscarriage on her own at the hospital so knows from that experience it is possible but this is a bit different.
    AS I SAID I DIDN'T BIRTH ALONE BUT TO BE HONEST THERE WAS A TIME I FELT LIKE BEING ALONE
    -this is her first VBAC. Should I be encouraging her to have a support person on 'stand by' just in case?
    I RECKON JUST ENCOURAGE HER TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS. BUT YOU KNOW HER BEST
    -will the hospital staff turn the father away if she really doesn't want him there?
    NOT SURE
    -how did you juggle access visits in the first few days/weeks? CAN'T HELP WITH THAT ONE



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    Thanks for all of the great advice. She is certainly a trooper in this and I know she will be fine- probably one of the most resilient people I have ever met!

    Mum2b09- what an awful thing to have happened to that woman. I guess without knowing the whole story it is difficult to have an opinion but geez what a lack of respect for the new mum!

    Thanks again- I will be referring her to this page!

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    -when did you let the FOB know what was happening? Before you went to the hospital, during labour, after baby was born or the next day?

    * I phoned him when I went into labour. He lived in another state at the time, and asked me to phone him as soon as things started, so that he could book a flight straight away. It depends entirely on the circumstances and relationship - given what you said, If I was your friend I would wait until after the birth.

    -does she morally, ethically, legally have to have FOB see the baby in the hospital? She doesn't want to be anywhere near him herself so wondered how it would be done?

    * No, if she doesn't want the FOB at the hospital, then that's the way it goes. Yes he is the father, but she will be the one who is emotionally and physically spent from birthing a baby, without adding more emotional turmoil into the mix.

    I would suggest short accompanied visitations in the beginning.

    -how hard is it not to have a support person? She had a late term miscarriage on her own at the hospital so knows from that experience it is possible but this is a bit different.

    * It depends entirely on the person. I had my sister with me and she was amazing, but I don't doubt my abilities to birth alone - I tend to go into myself, and become very centred without paying a lot of attention to those around me. Some people need someone there to rub backs, provide emotional support etc...it depends on the person.

    It might be a good idea to look into a doula or student doula?

    -this is her first VBAC. Should I be encouraging her to have a support person on 'stand by' just in case?

    * For a VBAC in a hospital, I would be more inclined to say that yes, some support would certainly be beneficial.

    -will the hospital staff turn the father away if she really doesn't want him there?

    * Yes.

    -how did you juggle access visits in the first few days/weeks?

    * As I mentioned, he lived in another state so my answer probably doesn't apply. He flew up and spent a lot of time throughout the day with him (always with me there), because he only had a short time. If he lived in the same town, I would lean towards shorter visits. Note that legally the FOB cannot take such a young baby away from the mother for visitation - if he requests it, I would recommend your friend seek some advice from a lawyer.

    Wishing your friend all the best She is lucky to have a supportive friend like yourself

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    I had no reason to inform him. My cousin got there just before dd came into the world.

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    -when did you let the FOB know what was happening? Before you went to the hospital, during labour, after baby was born or the next day?
    FOB still doesn't know when I had bub. If I did tell him though it would have been after I got home I guess.
    -does she morally, ethically, legally have to have FOB see the baby in the hospital? She doesn't want to be anywhere near him herself so wondered how it would be done?
    Mmmm well morally/ethically is different for everyone, especially depending on the situation between her and FOB. I'm all for fathers rights and but they have to be deserving. Legally she can only stop him from coming if she gets a DVO and goes confidential at hospital...it's all a very depressing process.
    -how hard is it not to have a support person? She had a late term miscarriage on her own at the hospital so knows from that experience it is possible but this is a bit different.
    I'd imagine it's hard, I would have hated not having my mom there to share the joy of my new baby with.
    -this is her first VBAC. Should I be encouraging her to have a support person on 'stand by' just in case?
    I suppose encourage is all you can do lol, she's going to do what she wants - she sounds very strong minded
    -will the hospital staff turn the father away if she really doesn't want him there?
    I'm not sure they have the right to do that unless (as above) mom has DVO and is under confidentiality.
    -how did you juggle access visits in the first few days/weeks?
    No idea sorry, never had to deal with that but if she is breastfeeding on demand it might be tricky?
    Last edited by captainscaptain; 31-01-2012 at 10:11. Reason: left it as a quote woops hehe


 

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