Is she rushing into marriage?

**aymee83** · 25-01-2012 08:37

Hi not sure if i am in the wright place but i am really concerned about my mums new relationship.
Mum is 50, she divorced my dad 7 years ago and has recently started a new relationship with a guy she goes to church with, she said they would take it slowly & see where it goes from there.
now just 3 1/2 weeks later he has asked her to marry him & she said yes! most of my family including me have not met him yet & she told me they will not tell anyone else about the engagement until all the family has met him.

my concern is that she is seeing all the sparks and good stuff & none of the bad stuff, i dont believe you can really know a person after just a couple of weeks.
I am really happy for my mum that she has finally moved on & that he is making her happy, its all i ever want is to see her happy & not so lonely, all she does is talk about him.

Because mum is religious, she does not believe in sex b4 marriage and he has agreed to wait, is this why they are moving so fast?
He is also 20 years her senior, which i dont care about but worry that they wont have a long relationship and mum will be heart broken when he dies.

i Have told my mum i am concerned about it moving to fast & she said they are gonna take it slow....getting engaged is anything but slow...

ANY ADVICE?

**delirium** · 25-01-2012 08:45

That is very fast, too fast imo. There is no way you can know someone in 3 weeks or in 3 months for that matter. I'm a believer in living with someone for several years before marriage but I understand your mum, being religious doesn't agree with that.

I would just express your concern at her getting her heart broken and that you hope they'll take the engagement slowly.

**SassyMummy** · 25-01-2012 08:49

I think it's quite fast, but I did notice that a lot of my mother's friends seemed to move onto their 2nd marriages very quickly... from the time they met the guy, to the time they were married. They would have all been in their 40s and 50s when it happened.

I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it though OP. Perhaps say, "But don't you think this is really quickly? How well can you know someone in 3 weeks?" or whatever. Then leave it there. You've planted the seed in her mind, if she wants to consider that it's too quick, then she will. If not, you'll just be a PITA and she'll end up annoyed with you.

**MothersMilk** · 25-01-2012 08:54

Perhaps they feel because they are older there is no time to waste?
I agree it is way too soon though, i would express your concern about rushing into things and hope that she thinks about it a bit more and decides to get to know him better before committing to marriage.

**Astraamy** · 31-01-2012 06:45

And being someone from her church maybe they do know each other quite well, before they started dating.

**Atropos** · 31-01-2012 09:03

Originally Posted by Astraamy

And being someone from her church maybe they do know each other quite well, before they started dating.

This.

Many couples of this generation move onto second marriages quickly. My aunt told me she felt there was less time to muck around and you seem to "know" sooner. My Dad said the same thing. Both remarried within a year, engaged within months. And in Dad's case, to someone he'd only met 3 months prior to the engagement, 4 months after my mother passed away. It can be hard to understand but at the end of the day, it's not your call, you have to respect her decision and choices, even if you don't approve. She is an adult. You can express concern and caution but don't be surprised if met with hostility- I was when Dad announced his engagement to a woman I'd met once (as in, an introduction through a car window) and I questioned his motives etc.

**spideysmummy** · 31-01-2012 09:20

If I were you I would make a brief comment, and then leave it.

I agree with pp she has probably known him for some time if they church together.

I was very good friends with my now husband for almost a year before we officially got together, we got engaged within 4 months of being together, and married 3 months after that. So I'm not one to judge - I do believe you know when it feels right.

Good luck

Mummy & Daddy - expanding our family! Our little man born April 2011 and now expecting another munchkin in August 2012! Loving it!!!!!

**MissPoss** · 31-01-2012 09:21

My mum did this. Very similar situation actually. They'd known each other from church for many years, but once they married, they came to realise they didn't know each other well at all. They lasted 3 years before a bitter divorce.

Thing is, there was no one in the world that could have told her at the time that she was moving too fast. We tried, but she's an adult with her own mind. She had to find out the hard way. All we could do was be supportive when things went downhill.

I hope things work out more positive for your mum. Just be there for her.

**Californication** · 31-01-2012 11:49

Different age group, but we were engaged within 2 months of meeting, and married just over 12 months later.

I think sometimes you can just know and like PP's have said, the older generation do tend to jump in quickly. My sisters FIL was remarried within 6 months of his wife dying, and my FIL had a new parter within 4 months of loosing his wife too. Very hard on the kids, and to me a bit disrespectful to their deceased partner, but on the other hand, life is short.