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  1. #31
    ~Marigold~'s Avatar
    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    Witwicky, totally agree, sharing makes the load a lot less heavy. It's hard to keep it all bottled up. So lucky that we live in a country (and era) that "allows" us women to express ourselves when it comes to not coping with our mental health.
    My poor nanna had 6 children in the 40's-50's, immigrated here from Poland and had a two bedroom house, worked full time as a nurse and had an awful relationship with her husband, he was very abusive to them all, and I just think, that poor woman. She would have had no one to turn to back then. She couldn't speak English and I can't help but wonder how she dealt with the mental state she was in, there was no PND acceptance back then, she just had to soldier on and keep having baby after baby.
    But for me, over the years, it wasn't something that I felt like sharing with ANYONE. There's an element of shame, of failure. How come she can do it and I can't? Everyone one I met, people at work, family memebers I hadn't seen in ages, it was the same comment: "Just the one? Not planning on having anymore?" Argh! I wish I could have said, "Well, since you asked, actually, I'd LOVE more kids, but I almost ended up taking my own life by way of laying on the train tracks (I didn't attempt it, but oh yeah I fantasized about it- like the song lyric, 'Look on the bright side- suicide'). So no, no more kids for me, I'm too fragile mentally to cope. " But of course, I'd just shift my gaze awkwardly and turn red, reply "I'm really happy with just having one. Maybe one day, never say never". And people would look at me, like, that's not the full story...
    There was always that stigma there for me. As much as I'd want to be OK with it, I just felt like a failure admitting it. We are our worst enemies!

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by BbBbBh View Post
    I have a secret but I think lots of women who have experienced sexual abuse would have thought it/felt it. Before my son was born I was frightened about touching his penis to clean it. Not in a perpetrator way but because I didn't want to disrespect him and I kinda felt that this was some sort of violation. It took me a while to get over that. Now I'm having a girl and this thought is back-only worse because girls need 'more cleaning' than boys. I know it will be ok after a while though and I know its a little irrational but perhaps pretty normal given my own history.
    I'm struggling with this same thing now. I would make do bath DD as I felt the same. But I'm getting used to it now.

  4. #33
    GluttonForPunishment's Avatar
    GluttonForPunishment is offline Bubhub Award Winner - 2011- Most Optimistic Poster and Newbie of the Year Awards
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    When I was 13, my mother told me that she was dying of ovarian cancer. I was an only child and she a single mum - it was devastating. I saw mum lose her hair and require the use of a walking frame.

    But the thing was she didn't have cancer. She had an overwhelming fear of hospitals and, on discovering she had a growth just inside her, thought that dying of cancer was better than going to hospital. We lived in a small town and EVERYONE knew she was dying of cancer. We had received donations from people, they helped out around the house, they were a brilliant support for me.

    Until the day that mum came clean and told me the truth. I, to this day, am not sure what it was that prompted her to tell me but I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. She had ended up going to a gynaecologist and it was just a benign growth that was removed in 30 minutes. You would have thought that I would have been happy that my mother wasn't dying, right?

    No. For six months this had gone on for. So many tears, so much hurt, so much fear. Who was I going to live with, who was going to finish raising me? All for what? I wasn't angry - I think I went beyond angry and into numbness. I felt nothing - I was very close to preferring that mum was dying. The town turned on mum like a pack of wolves. Some thought that I was "in on it" but most knew that I had been fooled as much as they and were ok with me.

    So we packed up and moved over 1000 kms away. Left everything behind - no furniture, nothing. We moved house by train as we didn't have a car. To a place where I knew nobody. I had always been an A student, but my grades fell away as I just ceased to care.

    I look back on this time and still feel the shame I felt then. You want to be proud of your parents but I had never been more ashamed to be my mothers son. And I held onto that anger and shame for nearly 20 years. I only truly forgave her last year and it was like a massive weight had been lifted off me.

    IRL I tell nobody except my partner about this. I have shared this in the private discussion area but thought I'd share it here too. It's hard even to type let alone talk about. But I'm happy to say that today I am now so very happy that the old girl is alive!

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  6. #34
    ~Marigold~'s Avatar
    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beachside Mumma View Post
    My dad is a horrible alcoholic and emotionally abusive man. I spent my entire childhood been scared of him, never knowing when he was going to be ok or if he was going to snap. He made me feel completely worthless and not good enough and I was very much aware my brother and sister were his favourites. I was quite timid when I was younger and more of a follower rather than a leader and I remember coming home from my best friends one afternoon only to have him sit down and absolutely abuse me for god knows what and tell me I needed to stop carrying on the way I was and did I know how embarrassing it was for him that I was like I was and how awful I was making it for him - all I'd done is go for a walk with my friend. I completely resent him for the things he did and said over the years and the way he made me feel. I really can't stand to be around him and would be quite happy to have nothing to do with them. Not even DP knows the extent of what happened or what his like and I'm not sure he ever will, I feel too ashamed about it all, and I'm not even sure I'd get the words out right.
    I can so relate. My dad was an alcoholic abuser as well. These days, he's still an alcoholic, but no longer an abuser; he does so much for me and his grandson, but I still have so much hate and resentment towards him. I feel so guilty about feeling this way, because he's a changed man, but I guess we can't can't change what has been imprinted on our young and impressionable minds back in childhood.
    Why do so many of us feel 'ashamed' about what we've been through, even though we know that there's nothing to be ashamed of and it was not our fault?

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  8. #35
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    He's nice enough when we're around these days but I can't get past this thing in my head that says it's all a big act. He treats DSS so different to the girls which makes me so angry, and that's just one more reason we hardly see them. I think I've seen them maybe 6 or 7 times in the last 5.5 years and I wish I had the strength to cut them off completely but I'm too scared to even do that.

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  10. #36
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    Gfp that's so sad, you poor thing, what a horrible thing to go through

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  12. #37
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    To everyone.
    I shared a lighthearted 'secret' because the serious ones are things i don't care to share on a public forum but i can relate to some of the posts.

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  14. #38
    ~Marigold~'s Avatar
    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    Quote Originally Posted by october View Post
    Gfp that's so sad, you poor thing, what a horrible thing to go through
    Agreed.

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  16. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by MothersMilk View Post
    To everyone.
    I shared a lighthearted 'secret' because the serious ones are things i don't care to share on a public forum but i can relate to some of the posts.
    Me too xxx

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    ....
    Last edited by Be The Change; 27-01-2012 at 13:49. Reason: Fear of someone I know IRL reading this :-)

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