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  1. #1
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    Default *Sensitive topic* Trust issues with your baby

    I was sexually abused by my father's stepfather when I was three. Now that I have a daughter I am VERY wary about leaving her at people's houses. I completely trust my parents, my partner and my sister and that's it. I'm not really ready to leave her full stop, but have been leaving her for half-hour to an hour so I can do food-shopping or soak in the tub. But I am getting a bit of pressure from my partner to let his mum and his step-father look after our 5 month old for a couple of hours here and there as well. I am NOT interested.

    If you can't see the correlation, he wants me to let my daughter be looked after her father's stepfather (who has made some VERY inappropriate breastfeeding comments, so much that I refuse to feed in front of him). My dad totally gets where I'm coming from and thinks that if I'm not ready, and I don't trust them 100% then don't do it. But I'm getting all this "leave it in the past" "don't let it run your life" nonsense from my partner and it's really ****ing me off that he's not being supportive about this-after all, I only want what's best for her!

    I tried to explain to my MIL (after she whinged to DP that I don't trust her with DD) that it's not that I don't trust her, it's that I don't trust anyone and that it's my issues rather than specifically pointing them at her. Even still, she flew off the handle about "I've treated you like a daughter and welcomed you into my home and you still won't trust me" "I'm not like that" etc etc. When I really feel she could have been a bit more understanding about the background of my trust issues. My mum sort of exaggerates when she talks to MIL and says that I don't ever leave her with DD to try and make her feel better.

    Has anyone else had to deal with trust issues with family and the constant pressure that you just cannot bow to? It's driving me nuts.

  2. #2
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    I 100% get where you are coming from and I disagaree that you should give DD to both grandparents or neither and I think your dp/dh should be supporting you. Making you feel guilty obviously isn't going to help.

    I beleive children aren't "owed" to their grandparents. As long as they have an active role in their lives there's no need for them to care for her without you there.,
    My DD won't be going anywhere with anyone, yes that's my issue, it's about me but who cares.
    Do what's right for you and your DD and maybe try talk to dp about how your feeling and maybe say DD is only 5 months, maybe after 1 year or when she's talking you will be happy for both grandparents to look after her.

    Trust me I'm going to get crap from everyone for not letting DD stay anywhere. I already do and she's 9 weeks old.

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  4. #3
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    Totally understandable!! Don't feel bad. Though, perhaps if your mil is feeling that way you could invite her to YOUR house to look after the baby while you go and treat yourself to a nice long bath? That way you are right there without being there and perhaps your mil will still feel as though she is getting alone time with her? In saying that, my son is 6 months old and the longest I have left him is half an hour with my hubby! I would never leave him with my mil and that is because I have trust issues with her. When I go back to work he will be going to daycare at a centre I felt comfortable with after checking out so so many centres, and won't be cared for by family at all.

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  6. #4
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    I understand completely too. It's kind of like, if *your* parents had any sneaking suspicion that something might've happened to you, they wouldn't have left you with someone. Obviously they completely 100% never thought that would happen to you, and it happened anyway. So what's the difference if someone says "I'm not like that, you can trust me"? Nothing!
    The fact is if you have even the slightest worry and then something did happen, you'd never forgive yourself and your child would have the consequences for the rest of their life.
    Are you able to tell your MIL what happened to you and that even though you trust her, you're just not ready yet?

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    I won't leave my children with DH's mum and stepfather cause I have a funny feeling about his step father. I'm not going to ignore that. Luckily they live interstate so the topic doesnt come up often. I also dont trust MIL cause another of her sons told her he was being sexually abused and she ignored it. IMO if you can't protect your own kids you do not get a second chance with mine 5 months is sooooo young to leave a bubba.

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    I don't think it's so much about trust as it is about discernment and wisdom. If you have a vibe, even if it's the tiniest inkling then there is no way you should leave your child with someone.
    You aren't letting your past run your life, you're letting your love for your child run your life - and what else can a mother do?
    I've never left my 18 month old DS with anyone but my parents and my sisters, and never for more than a few hours.
    I think the idea of trying to pressure a mother into leaving her baby with someone is silly and wierd.

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    I saw in another post that you are breastfeeding. Just fib to your MIL and that your bub feeds constantly and won't take a bottle ??

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    Quote Originally Posted by elleseetee View Post
    I understand completely too. It's kind of like, if *your* parents had any sneaking suspicion that something might've happened to you, they wouldn't have left you with someone. Obviously they completely 100% never thought that would happen to you, and it happened anyway. So what's the difference if someone says "I'm not like that, you can trust me"? Nothing!
    This is my issue!!! My dad and mum NEVER thought in a million years that it would happen or they would have never left me there. No inkling, or anything! I explained what had happened to me when I was younger and she reacted awfully with all the "I've treated you like a daughter" business that I mentioned in the original post.
    Quote Originally Posted by threechooks View Post
    I saw in another post that you are breastfeeding. Just fib to your MIL and that your bub feeds constantly and won't take a bottle ??
    Lol, that's no fib!!! So that does work well!!! But she feeds 4 hourly and DP knows that. I think it hurts him that I don't trust his mother. My mum thinks that I trust DP with my whole world and he trusts his mum and therefore I should too. So I should let her look after DD when her partner isn't there. And another previous poster I forgot to quote about the mother not believing that it had happened. That's exactly what happened with my situation. My dad's mum told dad it was impossible and then his brothers started giving him a hard time about it. None of his family stuck by him so he only has my sister and I now...so sad.

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    You have to do what's right for and your daughter. If you're going to leave her with them and feel uneasy the entire time she's there then it's not worth it. You have to do it when you're ready.
    I was sexually assaulted as a young girl by a trusted family member so I can understand why you feel the need to protect your child. You don't owe anyone anything.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Etienne View Post
    I 100% get where you are coming from and I disagaree that you should give DD to both grandparents or neither and I think your dp/dh should be supporting you. Making you feel guilty obviously isn't going to help.

    I beleive children aren't "owed" to their grandparents. As long as they have an active role in their lives there's no need for them to care for her without you there.,
    My DD won't be going anywhere with anyone, yes that's my issue, it's about me but who cares.
    Do what's right for you and your DD and maybe try talk to dp about how your feeling and maybe say DD is only 5 months, maybe after 1 year or when she's talking you will be happy for both grandparents to look after her.
    I agree with this. Especially the "owned" by the grandparents part. It isn't their right to look after her as long as possible. They get to see her, and spend time with her, so why is it so important that they look after her alone? It's not important! Some grandparents also get into a competition thing with the other grandparents, so they think that if they are spending more alone time then they are the "closer" granparents to "their grandbaby".

    IMO you don't even need to have a reason, my parents weren't sexually abused, but we were never looked after by other people until we were a lot older. A lot of people also never leave their child until they are around 3 for the first time. It isn't unheard of! And so many families don't use grandparents as baby-sitters at all! My point being... you aren't letting your past rule you. Plenty of parents make the same choice to not leave their children without any reason, except that they do not want to. That is *your* choice as her mother and one that you shouldn't be made to feel is a wrong choice.

    Just stick by what makes you comfortable and feel happy that it is the right choice. You have explained to everyone that is it nothing personal, so you don't need to explain any more. (especially when mil was so callous about your past ).

    I think your DH should be happy that you at least leave her with your own parents, so that you get time together. I didn't leave DD with my own parents either so DH was always complaining about no time together! I told him it is 12 months out of his life and we get plently of alone time when DD is asleep. He ended up being fine with it, and even liking my choice. We did the same with DD2. Now at almost 4 and 2 we leave the girls only during the day. His parents are always pushing for sleepovers but I just think it is totally unneccesary as there is no point to having them possibly upset during the night, or me worrying about them when they can just as easily be in their own beds.

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