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  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by scarymarygoldfish View Post
    Sex with other people is just sex, it's not love.
    To you (and that's fine). To me and others sex = an expression of love.

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  3. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trusty Chords View Post
    Well I find it sad someone would deny their partners feelings without even trying to fix a problem. It isn't about pressuring them into it it's about one partner feeling unhappy and the other partner thinking they have no obligation to do so. No one would agree that if a child felt hurt because their parents wouldn't do the things they loved to do with them then they should just suck it up. Why be in a relationship with someone if you want it all your own way and can't even compromise? Just live by yourself if your so selfish.
    But you're talking about someone's body. Their person. We're not talking about taking out the rubbish and one person doing it and the other never wanting to. This is about someone's body. And I think it's selfish to expect someone to allow their body to be violated every night just so the other person didn't stray.

    I've been there! I changed my ways! I gave him more sex, I considered his precious needs (at the expence of my own)....even looked into more 'fun' in the bedroom and the problems in our marriage WERE STILL THERE! In the end I felt violated and used and abused!

    We lacked intimacy and connection and all the sex in the world wasn't going to change that. What WE needed as a couple was for us to find it again and all would have been fine - sex or not! But no, I thought as you did and figured I was being selfish...well I was wrong! And so are you!

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  5. #63
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    This is why I'm saying it's a fundamental of a relationship. It's like anything - where you live, how many children you have, etc. If you don't and can't agree on something it's going to tear the relationship apart. If DP is strongly against an open relationship and you are strongly an advocate, it's not going to work!

    I don't think there is a right or wrong here, only differences. What's important to me will be different to you or anybody else. Hence, when looking for a partner, we gravitate towards those with similar beliefs/values/ideals as ourselves. There's plenty of couple who believe different things - but there are things that you HAVE to agree on. Dealbreakers if you will!

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  7. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by scarymarygoldfish View Post
    Sex with other people is just sex, it's not love.
    Sex, to me, is an expression of our love. It's not something I'd want to share with anyone other than the person I love. When I was single it was just sex...yes because I didn't love any of them. But now...it's not.

    Obviously this is the major difference between those who can have open relationships and those who don't. If you don't associate sex with love in anyway....then it wouldn't really cause an issue in their relationship. Whereas something else that you might do with someone else that you may associate with love might be a no no for you guys, and for us it would not be. So to each his own

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  9. #65
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trusty Chords View Post
    I would like to think if I had a problem with my libido that I would love my partner enough to want to at least try to fix it. If it was a medical issue I'd try hard to get it sorted. If i was exhausted I'd address why (ie. is he not helping enough.)I'm lucky I don't have this problem. My partner is wonderful and respectful, helps out a lot and I do the same for him. I don't really ever get too exhausted to have sex with him because the workload in our house is shared and if I am too tired then he's fine with that. Sometimes I don't feel like doing things for my kids but I do it because I love them and want them to know that. I don't see why that shouldn't extend to my partner.There is always a reason a couple doesn't have sex it's wether or not both parties care enough to address it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Trusty Chords View Post
    Well I find it sad someone would deny their partners feelings without even trying to fix a problem. It isn't about pressuring them into it it's about one partner feeling unhappy and the other partner thinking they have no obligation to do so. Why be in a relationship with someone if you want it all your own way and can't even compromise? Just live by yourself if your so selfish.
    Wow. Thanks for that. By using that logic, surely we could also conclude that the person with the higher sex drive should work on lowering it?

    Because really, how do we know for certain that the person with the lower sex drive is the person with the 'problem'?

    As for being selfish and 'wanting it all your own way', surely that can be said of the person with the higher sex drive too, if they're not willing to change their sex drive to suit their partner.

    How easy do you think it would be for a person with an exceptionally high sex drive to just lower it one day, and not feel like sex at all?

    I wonder why we expect that it should be easy for a person with a low sex drive to raise theirs?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    To you (and that's fine). To me and others sex = an expression of love.

    Sorry, what I should have said is "In an open relationship, sex with other people is just sex. It's not love"

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    Quote Originally Posted by scarymarygoldfish View Post
    Sorry, what I should have said is "In an open relationship, sex with other people is just sex. It's not love"
    Just so that I can understand better....

    So does that mean that the sex you have with your partner is not an expression of love either? (therefore there would be other means you would use to express this love) Or it is an expression of love but when you have sex with other people you separate the type of sex you have with others, in your head, so there is no association?


    Are there things that you just would not do with the other people because it's only reserved for the person you love?

    ***disclaimer*** this is by no means a judgement on what you do or anything. As I said, dh's workmates do it and they're great people but we've talked about it and neither of us can fathom it....or understand how they can do it without feeling like it's a violation of their relationship. We both feel that there must be something else that is exclusive to their relationship.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shoopuf View Post
    Wow. Thanks for that. By using that logic, surely we could also conclude that the person with the higher sex drive should work on lowering it?

    Because really, how do we know for certain that the person with the lower sex drive is the person with the 'problem'?

    As for being selfish and 'wanting it all your own way', surely that can be said of the person with the higher sex drive too, if they're not willing to change their sex drive to suit their partner.

    How easy do you think it would be for a person with an exceptionally high sex drive to just lower it one day, and not feel like sex at all?

    I wonder why we expect that it should be easy for a person with a low sex drive to raise theirs?
    Agree totally with everything you have said.

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  17. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    Just so that I can understand better....

    So does that mean that the sex you have with your partner is not an expression of love either? (therefore there would be other means you would use to express this love) Or it is an expression of love but when you have sex with other people you separate the type of sex you have with others, in your head, so there is no association?


    Are there things that you just would not do with the other people because it's only reserved for the person you love?

    ***disclaimer*** this is by no means a judgement on what you do or anything. As I said, dh's workmates do it and they're great people but we've talked about it and neither of us can fathom it....or understand how they can do it without feeling like it's a violation of their relationship. We both feel that there must be something else that is exclusive to their relationship.
    Your disclaimer is too sweet .

    Sex with other people is just sex. I'm a very sexual person, and I get no mushy feelings when I'm with anyone other than my husband.

    Sex with my husband is a connection of souls and it is the best love making I could ever wish for.

    And no, there is nothing I wouldn't do for another man that I do for my husband.
    Last edited by scarymarygoldfish; 24-01-2012 at 12:45.

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    We could never have an open relationship because to me that IS cheating.

    Our relationship is more then just sex me are also best mates we are a mum and dad we are a team.

    Yes for the last 2 yrs i have been off sex i was avoiding it at all cost some of it may have been because of my PND some of it because i was just so tired.

    But dp was wonderful he never pressured me never said he would go anywhere else because he Loved me and me only to us sex is what you do when you love each other not just for a random hook up.

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