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  1. #1
    Chicky Pea's Avatar
    Chicky Pea is offline aka 31andReady!!! (I'm not 31 anymore...ha ha!)
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    Default Hitting/biting and other parents

    Hi all!

    My 18 month old DD is in the phase of hitting and (very rarely) biting other kids. She doesn't so much hit, as bop other kids on the top of the head. She's been doing it on and off for probably about 2 months now, and although I have tried different approaches to get her to stop, they just aren't working. A lot of other mum friends and my MHN have said, it's a phase, she's figuring out the world around her and it will eventually stop. Although I'd love to see a bit of improvement in it soon, I feel better knowing that it's something most toddlers do at some stage and will eventually grow out of.

    My only problem is, I have had 2 instances lately where my DD has bopped another kid on the head, or like today, 'bit' another child (about 3 years old), and the reaction from the other parent has bordered on really rude. I say 'bit' in adverted commers because after I saw DD do it, I went and tended to the victim, apologised and made a fuss (like my MHN told me to do... 'ignore the perpetrator and fuss over the victim'), there wasn't a mark on her, not even discolouring. I think my DD put her mouth over the girls arm and the child cried before DD had a chance to do anything... not that I am defending DD's actions in anyway!

    But I digress...

    The thing is, I feel so guilty for DD's behaviour anyway, that some of these other mums have made me feel really upset, like I am a horrible mother for having a child who does this. They have been rude to me and dismissive if I try and apologise. Luckily, there have been some mums and dads who have said 'don't worry, my DD/S did that' or 'I understand' or 'it's a phase'.... but some have just been awful.

    How do I react to them? I have tried apologising... the women today even told me what to do with DD 'You should really take her out of there' (the cubby she was in at the time, as punishment). The thing is, her daughter had been intimidating my and my friends DD for about an hour beforehand (not letting them in the cubby house, shoving toys in their faces etc.) and my friend and I had let it go so our DD's could work their way through that social situation themselves. NOT that I am condoning my DD's behaviour in the slightest!! But I just felt it was a bit mean of this mum to suddenly react how she did and she was just so dismissive of me

    What do I do in this situation? What more can I do but apologise to both the parent and child, and chastise my child for doing it? I'm not condoning her behaviour at all, but I'm having way more trouble dealing with the other parents at the moment....

    Help...?

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    It's a totally normal phase and most parents with half a brain would understand that young ones aren't doing these things to be malicious.

    My DS went through a headbutting phase around that age and TBH when he did do it, I *did* remove him from the play area. He learned pretty quick that if he headbutted, we left. Especially the time he did it to a pretty small baby

    It wasn't so much a punishment, but I've been headbutted by him and it's not pleasant!

    I think your strategy sounds good, too. These things aren't always instantaneous, ignore the other parents - it's your job to decide how to deal with you DD's behaviour, not theirs.

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  4. #3
    Chicky Pea's Avatar
    Chicky Pea is offline aka 31andReady!!! (I'm not 31 anymore...ha ha!)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    It's a totally normal phase and most parents with half a brain would understand that young ones aren't doing these things to be malicious.

    My DS went through a headbutting phase around that age and TBH when he did do it, I *did* remove him from the play area. He learned pretty quick that if he headbutted, we left. Especially the time he did it to a pretty small baby

    It wasn't so much a punishment, but I've been headbutted by him and it's not pleasant!

    I think your strategy sounds good, too. These things aren't always instantaneous, ignore the other parents - it's your job to decide how to deal with you DD's behaviour, not theirs.
    Thanks so much for that... I think I get more upset when I feel that there isn't that sense of camaraderie between mothers that I wish were there all the time. Next time I think I'll remove her from the situation for a couple of minutes and see if that works. Thanks for the advice!

    Headbutting doesn't sound fun at all, poor you! I get the occasional bop to the face if DD is upset with me and I HATE it! I don't know what I'd do if she got that physical with me. I hope that phase didn't last long!

  5. #4
    FearlessLeader's Avatar
    FearlessLeader is offline Winner 2013 - Most Memorable Thread
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    ignore idiot parents. You deal with your own kid and ignore what other people are doing. I've had parents be snippy at me because my kid's touched their kid's things apologise once, and then leave it. Don't feel guilty, honestly they are just nasty people and will find something to complain about no matter what you do.

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    Yeah mine was a head-butter and a body-slammer. It was at the stage where I went to a new playgroup when she was about 2 and hovered over her a bit. The mums were really mean about that too and said I don't give her the space and I need to step back. I told them I'm not hovering for her protection I'm hovering to protect the other kids because some of them were little and only barely walking yet. They were really nasty about it still so I said "Fine I'll come sit down" and no sooner had I made it to a seat than we heard a scream as my child body-slammed a little boy who was luckily older and not a little baby and the way the parents reacted was to tell me I should have stayed nearby

    You really can't win. All you can do is follow the advice of the child health nurse and try to get on top of it yourself. I think your approach is fantastic and will eventually work but yeah she is working out the world around her and it will take a bit of time and patience.

    I copped the whole "That kid needs a flogging!" when she was a little over 1.

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    Aww Chicky Pea, I hate instances where you feel there was no comaraderie amongst the parents, especially when it's something as emotionally charged as your own child hurting another. It makes you feel doubly worse , but you do everything that can be reasonably be expected of you, and unfortunately not all parents are the same, so others will appreciate your efforts and others tend to be dismissive.

    I have a 2.5 year old who is very tactile and affectionate. If there's another child around she will hug them, stroke them, and put her arms around them, the problem is however, she can be over zealous in her affections and has sometimes inadvertently pushed them over in the process. Like you, I rush over to the child to make sure they're ok (who usually has just been given a fright more than anytihng) and apologise profusely etc, etc, but a few times I have been given the and completely ignored. It's just plain rudeness on their behalf, it's fine to feel concerned for your child, however it is not fine to be dismissive and rude when the other parent is genuinely trying to apologise and or/rectify the situation.

    So like FearlessLeader, said, ignore them (I know it hurts sometimes), you've done all you can do and let them be bitter and twisted. It's so the old adage of 'Damned if you and damned if you don't'.
    Last edited by Mod-Uniquey; 20-01-2012 at 13:46.

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  11. #7
    Witwicky's Avatar
    Witwicky is offline A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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    Oh you poor thing. I had a similar experience the other day - my DS is going through a very ratty stage and literally threw one of his trains at his friends head. His friend seemed ok and I apologised profusely, but his Mum (my friend), kept going on and on about it. I didn't really know what else to say.

    I felt really awful, and I'm too embarrassed for him to have playdates now, especially with this little boy.

    It is a stage some go through, and it does pass...eventually

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