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  1. #21
    Tam-I-Am's Avatar
    Tam-I-Am is offline Winner 2009 - Most Helpful Member Award
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    My AP child knew that all of her needs where met, and some of her wants, when she needed them to be. She therefore blossomed into a beautifully confident and happily independent little girl who was excited to go off to school. Of course she's not APed whilst she's at school - they don't have the resources to respond to each and every child's needs as they come up. Thankfully she understands that at home her needs are met appropriately, she's treated like a human being and has a part in the decisions that concern her, and she always has a voice. This mitigates any damage that school not being able to meet her immediate needs might do.

    **I am stating that I am categorically NOT commenting on anybody else's parenting here. When I state my child is treated like a human being, for example, I am *NOT* saying that other people don't treat theirs like humans. Only that we do.

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  3. #22
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    You just breastfeed through the cyclone fence at playtimes and lunchtime.

    Seriously though, it is more about being responsive to your child's feelings and needs as previous posters have said.

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    http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/att...ng/what-ap-not this was posted on bubhub recently, but it's a pretty good article about the impressions people have about what AP is.

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  6. #24
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    Thanks for replies. I am not here to be offensive just curious so please don't take my questions this way...

    If you are an AP do you follow your child around the playground/park to make sure they don't get hurt or do you allow them to explore on their own and watch them from a safe distance?

    If you are talking to another adult and your child wants to go on the swings do you excuse yourself to give your child what they want or ask then to wait til you have finished the conversation?

    Does the father stay in the bed when you co sleep or do they sleep else where and are they OK with that?

    Does everything revolve around the child or do they have to learn to fit in?

    I should read the article but don't have time right now....

    This mitigates any damage that school not being able to meet her immediate needs might do.



    This comment disturbs me though

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    Samiam- yes you really need to read the article, I think you are getting confused between attachment parenting and helicopter parenting - totally different things, AP demands a lot of close physical contact with your kids but this closeness is not hovering , for us yes my DS sleeps with both of us, always has

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    I think the OP is also getting confuse with permissive parenting - AP is NOT permissive parenting, there are boundaries and discipline.

    And to answer, yes dh sleeps with me and ds, if we have more kids we'll buy another queen mattress and join the mattresses together


    *** end of transmission ***

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  11. #27
    Tam-I-Am's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SamIam View Post
    Thanks for replies. I am not here to be offensive just curious so please don't take my questions this way...

    If you are an AP do you follow your child around the playground/park to make sure they don't get hurt or do you allow them to explore on their own and watch them from a safe distance?
    My school aged-child has just completed Grade Prep. I walk her to her classroom, kiss her goodbye, and leave. I don't observe her at all during a school day - any more than any other parent. I certainly don't dart up to her school during breaks to make sure she's okay.

    Quote Originally Posted by SamIam View Post
    If you are talking to another adult and your child wants to go on the swings do you excuse yourself to give your child what they want or ask then to wait til you have finished the conversation?
    It depends entirely on the situation, the importance of the conversation, who it's with, how long my child has been waiting, which child it is (ie how old they are impact their capacity to wait). Generally we demand a high level of polite behaviour and use of manners, including waiting until people are finished speaking and then saying 'excuse me' - and we model this behaviour for them ourselves - but we also understand that they're 6 years and 3 years old, and that their capacity to remember and engage in such behaviour is not the same as an adults is. So they don't get yelled at, shamed or humiliated when they forget - but they are reminded (politely) about what the expected and appropriate behaviour is.

    Quote Originally Posted by SamIam View Post
    Does the father stay in the bed when you co sleep or do they sleep else where and are they OK with that?
    I'm not really sure why you'd be concerned about that - sleeping arrangement are negotiated within families. So long as everybody's happy and in agreement with the situation, what does it matter?

    Quote Originally Posted by SamIam View Post
    Does everything revolve around the child or do they have to learn to fit in?
    Everything is about appropriate attachments and boundaries. Of course my children have to learn to fit in - but they're not dogs. We have to fit around them too. It's a constant evaluation of who has what need, whose need is more pressing and important, and is everybody (including parents) having most of their needs, and some of their wants met. Sometimes that means that, because of lack of sleep or illness or whatever, my children just.don't.get what they want - whatever that might be. Sometimes it means DESPITE my tiredness or illness or whatever, I just have to do some things that I'd rather not be doing. It's responsive parenting - not permissive parenting.


    Quote Originally Posted by SamIam View Post
    I should read the article but don't have time right now....

    This mitigates any damage that school not being able to meet her immediate needs might do.

    This comment disturbs me though
    Whether or not you intend to, you *are* being offensive. Perhaps you should read the article. You seem to be very misinformed about what it is that AP is about.

    AP is NOT about making the child the centre of the universe or meeting their every need immediately, especially at the expense of other people's needs. It's about allowing a child to develop appropriate emotional and psychological ATTACHMENTS (ie this is where the name ATTACHMENT in Attachment Parenting comes from) - using the creation and maintenance of appropriate boundaries as a tool. It is *not* permissive parenting, or helicopter parenting. In fact a very LARGE part of AP, by allowing a child to be secure in their attachments, build confidence and explore their environment in a way that is both safe and age-appropriate.

    I'm not sure why my quote 'disturbs' you, but let me clarify - I do not mean that I expect my child to be treated as a little princess who won't be allowed to so much as break a fingernail on her precious little finger. FAR from it - in fact, I encourage my children to explore their world and understand the natural consequences of it (within reason. Obviously I'm not going to allow them to electrocute or poison themselves, but by occasionally hurting themselves in minor ways they come to understand the consequences of their actions). However when natural consequences are used, we don't shame or humiliate either.

    What I meant by what you quoted is just that - schools, because they have so many students that they must cater to, cannot always cater to a child's immediate needs. If my DD doesn't understand why it is that she can't complete a task that she's heavily invested in and must move on to another tasks, I don't expect the school to put up with a tantrum about it. I also understand that they lack resources and might not alwayshave the time to patiently explain that she can come back to it later (or to do what we might do at home and negotiate with her what she might do to help herself feel better - or renegotiate the activity that they had planned on doing in lieu of letting her complete the task that she wants to finish). Of course she has to fit in with what's going on there and sometimes that can be good for her understand of how the world works - but that doesn't mean that she doesn't experience damage from that. And mitigating that damage is her very strong, and very appropriate attachment to her primary carers (me, her father, and her grandparents).

    I'm not sure why that 'disturbs' you? Perhaps you could explain what it is that is you find 'disturbing'?
    Last edited by Tam-I-Am; 15-01-2012 at 12:19.

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  13. #28
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    It sounds to me like the OO has some valid queries in relation to this style of parenting.

    OP: My child does not have a father, but I guess if she did, he woyld be free to choose where to sleep and we would work it out together.

    As for school, I guess damage can be taken a number of ways. I do not believe school has damaged my child, but that's only my experience. I have seen damage done at school, and damage done at home, which leaves the child with no safe place.

    The playground question changes over time. With a baby, needs are met withput delay. For older children, patience is taught over time so they learn to wait. But that depends on the nature of the request, if it's urgent (Mum I need to use the toilet) or not urgent (can you push me on the swing) and also depends on how much time is given before then as to whether I excuse myself or ask her to wait a set length of time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SamIam View Post
    Thanks for replies. I am not here to be offensive just curious so please don't take my questions this way...

    If you are an AP do you follow your child around the playground/park to make sure they don't get hurt or do you allow them to explore on their own and watch them from a safe distance?

    If you are talking to another adult and your child wants to go on the swings do you excuse yourself to give your child what they want or ask then to wait til you have finished the conversation?

    Does the father stay in the bed when you co sleep or do they sleep else where and are they OK with that?

    Does everything revolve around the child or do they have to learn to fit in?

    I should read the article but don't have time right now....

    This mitigates any damage that school not being able to meet her immediate needs might do.



    This comment disturbs me though
    You need to read the article before continuing to make assumptions.

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    woops I did what I didn't want to do.
    I am not making assumptions. I am not misinformed.
    I am clueless with zero knowledge.
    I am just asking and you have clarified what I needed to know.

    I see that what I am talking about is more likely helicopter parenting.

    I am just witnessing all types of parenting since becoming one myself and certain styles have me curious.

    Judging by your comments AP sounds great so please don't think I was attacking you- just clarifying stuff in my head.

    The bedroom comment was because I know a mum who has kicked the dad out to sleep on the lounge and he is not happy about it but again you have made me understand this is not AP.

    It was the use of the word "damage" I found disturbing but you clarified what you meant well.

    Keep up the good work guys and thanks for educating me. No longer ignorant


 

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