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  1. #1
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    Default Not sure if my anger is warranted, or it it's just grief...

    A quick history, I guess. Just had a miscarriage, bub stopped growing at 6weeks, we found out at 9weeks and I have just lost bub naturally. Still suffering terribly. Until my body returns to normal, I also have this constant reminder of it.

    My problem is, while I know hubby is torn up, I am so angry with him for not having any time off work, for it not even occurring to him.
    I was ok with it while I was cramping and bleeding lightly, and I was feeling emotionally stable, but what really kills me is yesterday, I woke at 5.30ish with contractions, and it lasted about 1.5hrs, and then I passed what I assume was bub/sac, it was awful, I was in the shower, he was there with me, he saw the pain and he experienced the loss, he then experienced the absolute grief of saying goodbye, and then as I laid down in bed to cry, he got dressed and left for work. Of course he was concerned, and he rang me often during his 10hour shift.

    He is at the end of his traineeship, and it ends with him being tested this week, so I guess logically it makes sense that it would be hard to put off his testing. It could take weeks for him to have it rescheduled, it has been scheduled for this week since December.

    But I just really needed him to put me first yesterday.

    I was so angry, and beginning to resent him, so I talked to him about it this afternoon, and I can tell he feels bad, and I put it as plainly as I could, that I 'need' some help with the kids, that I am getting through the day, managing the kids, and dinner and all the basic stuff, but I feel like I'm sinking.

    He is still not taking time off.

    Am I being unreasonable? I have no real life support other than him, other than one family friend, and I have used her during all the various appointments which come with losing a baby. Even my mum (800klms away) is less than interested in talking it through with me. I know it's cos she is afraid of my grief. My phone has been my companion. Bubhub has gotten me through this so far.

    I just want to lie down and not think or move or wipe any bottoms or have to entertain two toddlers or break up their fights, or remember it all. Just for a little while.

    I am I just at the 'anger' stage?

  2. #2
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    Firstly - very sorry for your loss and an awful way to have to experience it.

    Whilst the timing for your DH work wise is obviously not great, IMO he should of at least taken half a shift off to stay with you if a full day just wasn't possible. So what if the testing had to be rescheduled? I'm sure if he had of explained the situation then consideration would have been granted.

    Now having said that......perhaps your DH was also grief stricken and felt going about his 'normal' day was the best way for him to cope? Maybe he just genuinely didn't know how to support you or deal with the grief so took the easier option of hiding behind work? It doesn't mean he isn't hurting too, but you know how men can be with these things

    I'm so sorry you don't have a support network around you. It sounds as though you could certainly do with a break right now. Could DH maybe look after kids while you at least had a nice long bath with candles or a book?

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  4. #3
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    Hugs! Will respond a bit later

  5. #4
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    Big big [/B] Losing a baby would be heartbreaking.

    I can totally understand your grief. You're entitled to it completely and wholely. But, I do understand your DH as well. I imagine him working a traineeship has not been easy for the family financially, and I can empathise with the pressure he must be feeling to move on to the next stage of his traineeship for yourself, and your kids. Perhaps though- the powers that be would have understood had he needed to take off just one day under the circumstances. Perhaps he's afraid to ask? Afraid of stretching the friendship so to speak.

    In the end though- I hope you come to terms with this loss, I hope your DH passes his tests and things look better for your family on that front and that you go on to have more lovely little kiddies whom this one can watch over and get to know you as parents through them.

  6. #5
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    I agree with the others..
    when my mum died, I went to school. I didnt want to stay home with people that were sad.
    It sounds awful but was my only way of coping.

    I think its fair that you need help and maybe he does too.

    I hope that you can come together for what must be such a hard time.There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Is there someone else that can help out? someone who is not dealing with the huge grief, that you 2 are?

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    I don't have anymore advice other than what pp have said just couldn't read and not send you lots of ((((hugs))))

  8. #7
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    you're not being unreasonable. I agree with PP's that of course your husband is grieving too however, you're his wife - you're the one that physically went through (and still going through) this and you need some time to deal with that.

    You need to come first right now, I'd gently tell him that you *need* some time to just be by yourself while he takes over at home. It's not unreasonable to ask that. I am so, so sorry you're going through this .

  9. #8
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    Hi Chelle,
    I also had a missed miscarriage 6 weeks ago. I was 9 weeks baby stopped growing at 7. I found out the baby had died on the tuesday after work. I sent DH to work Wednesday and Thursday but he was going to take Friday off to come to the early pregnancy assessment clinic with me on the Friday (it was the earliest I could get an appointment). The pains started Thursday night, I got a couple of hours sleep till my 'contractions' started and woke me at 130am the pain was so intense there was no way I could sleep. DH was awake with me, warming heat packs, rubbing my back and wiping my tears. and I passed the sack at 500am. A horrible experience that I never want to go through again. I was lucky that it all happened on the day DH had already taken off work. I can't imagine going through the day without him so I understand how you are feeling. I'd be upset too. Sometimes men have no idea how much they can upset us with their actions, especially of they think they are doing the right thing.

    I'm so sorry you've lost our bubba. Go easy on yourself and I am here if you want to talk more.
    *Hugs*

  10. #9
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    I guess it hadn't occurred that going to work may have been his way of dealing. That's why I posted this, for another perspective.

    I know for a fact he's hurting.

    He told both his assessor, and his superintendent, and both said he could go at any time he needed to. 'that's what family leave is for, mate!' His assessor had this happen, and has been asking how we are doing daily.
    I think he was waiting for me to be admitted to hospital or something.

    I guess I just feel like he just doesn't deal with my grief well, and I feel like I have the perfect partner, but the few times in my life I really need him, he pulls away.
    When my nana died, he was horrible, he picked on me for tiny things, and he called me selfish, and other things I don't really remember now. She was as close to me as my mum, I saw her daily, and she was the first person I ever lost.

    He came to his senses about a week after her funeral and apologized, and has always said he regrets his actions. for me, mum shut down (she actually attempted suicide, but that's another story) she told me she didn't want to be a mother that week, so I literally had no one after hubby went AWOL.
    Then when Grampa died he did exactly the same thing when I wasn't Back to my normal self the next day. I just reminded him that while the rest of the world was used to not having him already,I was still dealing with it, and he immediately pulled himself together.
    I don't get why he goes weird, but I know it must be hard to watch me grieve. He said last night that he has felt sick and been close to tears all week, but he doesn't want to talk to me about it because he knows I must feel a million times worse, having had the physical bond, having felt the pain and having to birth a baby who would nEver live with us. But I'm not comparing our pain, I guess I just wanted him to SHOW me he understood how I felt. I think if he'd 'offered' to take the day off, that is all I would have needed. I probably would have sent him in. He is finished now, he has passed it all, today is just finalizing it.

    Thank you for your replies, I feel better. Whats done is done. He said he plans on giving me zero responsibilities this weekend, not that that's what I've been after, but I guess he thinks that will help. All I want is his company.
    I will talk to him again tonight, since yesterday's talk I've felt like I've been alone in the house, I don't think he even said goodby this morning (he normally wakes me up for a kiss).

  11. #10
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    I am so sorry for your loss, its such a terrible thing to go through. I just wanted to reassure you that like your hubby mine kind of behaved the same way and in many ways I am the strong one in our relationship and he does not cope well when I fall apart, its almost like he just shuts down because I am not emotionally there to support him. I too started to resent his actions and at one stage in a blind fit of rage pulled my bloodied pad out of my undies and threw it at him and started shouting hysterically thats this is all that is left of our baby. He was stunned and bawled his eyes out and I was left feeling totally ashamed of my actions. Everyone deals with loss, grief and pain differently and I have found that my DH prefers to grief alone and that he will come to me when he is ready and strong enough in himself to support me. Dont be mad at him, it sounds like he is really hurting and I know you are as well. For us it was a very early morning cuddle in bed a few weeks later just laying there holding each other, the tears followed and we finally grieved together. Take care, look after yourself xxx


 

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