This is all going to come out so disjointed, but I'll give it a go
I'm freaking out a bit over going into labour. To the point where I get emotional reading about all the options out there.
With my DS, it was kind of simple. He was diagnosed with IUGR so I was induced with syntocinon, tried to stick to gas for pain relief but after 5 hours of very little progress opted to go with an epidural. There was some stress, DS wasn't coping with the syntocinon so they'd drop the dose down and work their way back up, his heart rate was dropping with each contraction so they also had me on oxygen to keep on top of that (thankfully it worked). The only real problems *I* had was a high temperature/fever, and some pretty decent tearing once bubs was born. He was fine, apgar score of 10. Some minor complications in the days following but ultimately he was fine.
Now, this time around things are looking normal, and I'm nervous about everything. With DS, I was like a passenger for the whole thing. I only really remember snippets. I was fine with that though, I was happy with how the midwives handled my labour (especially after realising that some would have been more likely to wheel me off for a CS). I liked how they broke my waters for me and that someone was there for the entire time; and even though I hadn't really made any decisions, I was happy with that (pretty sure the only thing I consciously chose was the epidural, the rest was recommended and I went with it).
I'm afraid to have my waters break at home, or anywhere really. I'm afraid of having contractions outside of the hospital. I'm afraid of getting to the hospital too late to have an epidural. I want things to be as similar to my first birthing experience as possible because at least I'll have some expectations of what's coming. And while I'm afraid of all this, I'm also afraid that if I were to be induced again and I had the same problems as with my first birth, then I'd be carted away for a CS.
I find myself (as horrible as this is, and I'm sorry if this offends anyone) wanting this baby to have something like IUGR, all because I'm so afraid of the unknown. Believe me, all I want is a healthy baby, and I don't really care how it happens. I'm just scared that if anything about this birth is different from the first then things just simply won't go right IYKWIM?
Thank you for getting this far, I know that so many of you have been through so much worse, I just want to know I'm not alone in this. I want to know how to deal with these emotions cuz I just don't know who else to talk to.