Hate his Family

[fertilethoughts]

Hi All,

I really need some advice about handling my husbands family. My Dh and i have had some fights but have managed to deal with things. Recently he told his aunty about our problems and she told his entire family. Now, they are all on his side and make phone calls to him on his mobile and send him e-mails asking how things are. I have told him right from the start I don't want our problems aired. I went away to stay with friends for a bit, came back and we have started therapy. I have told him I don't want to see them for a while and he has agreed. He asked if he could take our son over there one day for lunch and I agreed(I didn't go). It would be excellent if I never had to go over to the in laws place again. Do you think I could make some kind of arrangement with Dh and his family that DH and son go over there while I have time to myself? I can't stand the thought right now of being surrounded by people who think that their son is a star and I am someone with problems. Can you believe his mum tried to tell him and me she thinks i have PND? Our GP and therapist disagreed with this 'diagnosis'.

Also, his mum CONFESSED that she thought I was too pushy and put her son down too much but never said anything because I was his choice.

Now can you see why I don't want to be a 'guest' in their home?:I feel that she has basically said to my face that she never liked me but has kept a civil face. I too have felt terrible about her but have said nothing to her face. (even though I had a chance to when she 'came out about her feelings'- I was so shocked).


MY Question is: Is it reasonable for me to tell him that I will not ever be visiting his family but he is free to see them anytime he wishes?

How do I explain this to them in a non-confrontational way:?(or do I get him to)

I would appreciate your views on my situation

xxfertilethoughts

[NZMama]

Airing your guys problems with his entire family is definitely a no no. I learnt this early on with my talking to my own mother about DP and my problems. I tended to be angry at the time therefore dramatic with the explanation. The problem was my mother would then create her own conclusions and despite DP and I moving on from the outburst it would linger at her place and we both would have to continue facing it. I learnt the first time.
It has never happened again since and the same goes for DP and his mother.
As a result we still manage to get along with our respective inlaws.

Really I think if you intend to be a part of his family then you need to be involved entirely. Otherwise things could go from bad to worse and the children could be caught in an uncomfortable situation.
He needs to have a word to his mother if it is an ongoing situation. JMO of course.

After both DP and I going through this we both have lived and learned and its no longer a problem and to be honest they dont stick their beaks into our business cause they arent givin any reason to.

[Niki]

that must be hard for his family to think that way of you! i can understand you not wanting to see them, but eventually i think you will have to see them since you are a part of their family, wat will happen at things like birthday partys and so on? But in saying this how about giving your self some time away from them and then gradually see them once in a blue moon, Maybe your dh should speak to them about their attitude towards you, because if they dont change it they will be the ones losing in the end

[EskimoMumma]

I saw this sort of issue on Dr Phil today. (i didnt pay mucha ttention, iw as channel surfing, killing time for a movie that was to start a little later on another channel)

and it was about Toxic Relationships. and he had mentioned something about it when it was family members and he said that you should have those things brought to the table to be discussed and everyones opinion heard and HOPEFULLY have the situation mended and everyone udnerstood on what is going on and how YOU feel as well.

And if no one is willing to comprimise, cut them off.

Sure they are your blood, but it doesnt make it LAW you have to stick with them forever.

[indigoin0z]

DH & i have that exact situation...

i could write 5 pages on how/why, but if i start i will nevvvver stop!

the ironic thing that bites me, is, i actually seperated from my family so i would not give my children & DH emotional baggage that would just never improve,
& then,
to start a whole new situation with his family..

they cant stand me [tho they never would say it to my face] as i took their boy away & he is changing & finding his true self for the first time in his life & they hate it - because he is happy! because in their eyes, thats us rejecting them [well... i wont deny that ]

btw,
just had to mention the latest, after we moved interstate & DH went up there to visit for a wedding,
well when my DH tried to ask for respect on an opinion he had his father said "oh, dont lecture me with your Jehovah ****!" jehovah, we arent even religious & what he was talking about had to do with just respecting him!
these are the things we deal with. anyone who is different & trying to live their lives honestly & respectfully are odd weirdo's!!
[btw, thats the longest sentence ive ever heard my FIL put together]

as for your MIL saying you had PND... [so what if you do btw]
well my MIL told my hubby i had schizophrenia
[& therefore i know she has told all her relos that too!.. she wouldnt even know what damn mental illness was, because her rose-coloured coke-bottle glasses dont view that kind of stuff]...

anyway, i'll leave it there.. i dont want to start!!!!!

you must protect yourself & your own needs, & what makes you the best mum & wife you can be... & IMO
being stressed about such pathetic human beings isnt really worth our / or our immediate families time..

[mysonroger]

well my MIL told my hubby i had schizophrenia

..

that is so funny. i think heaps of MIL s around the world would be saying that.

anyway, i had a similar thing with my inlaws. not too bad though. but they used to drive me up the wall and make me so angry and i knew i wasn't their 'ideal choice' for their son/brother. but i just stuck at it...being the a good daughter/sister inlaw...going to EVERY family occasion. having them over for dinner lots.....doing all the right things and finally won them over . well... i don't know if i 'won them over' but when we left Ireland and moved back to australia i think they realised how great a couple DH and i were and they could see how happy DH was . there was no denying it. and now ii've had children, they are delighted for us.

i kept going over to their houses because i was so naive and i thought it was just me being paranoid about them not liking me, so i always acted as if nothing was going on. but when i look back, they actually were being pretty nasty sometimes. capable of being horrible. so i guess its better that i wasn't too sure of it at the time.
its not a good idea to cut yourself off from his family. it will burn you in the long run. it will definitely and unmistakenly negatively affect your relationship with your DH. it will become a thorn in your side.

be secure in yourself....walk in with your head held high every single time. give them nothing to work with, and over time, things should work out. but give it time. you're children will get nothing from a family break up ...its not worth it.

also this gos on in lots and lots of families. don't take it so personally. it is the nature of the inlaws beast to be unaccepting and *****y......if you weren't married to their son, they'd be picking on someone else. don't worry about it.

[bronny-jane]

be secure in yourself....walk in with your head held high every single time. give them nothing to work with, and over time, things should work out. but give it time. you're children will get nothing from a family break up ...its not worth it.

i agree, i think not going over to their place will make them feel like you are a b!tch...not that you are

sometimes families are like this, not nice at all, but if you keep your dignity and give them nothing to b!tch about it will probably calm down
families arent too quick to forgive and forget even if it has nothing to do with them, try to ride it out and if it doesnt get better, then at least you know you tried and then its their problem and not yours

[fertilethoughts]

Bronny-Jane, they think I am a ***** anyway. Anytime I express an opinion which is different to the 'norm' I am seen as weird. I have only ever kept the
peace by acting like someone I am not. I am sick of it. Sick of going to the effort for people I would not be friends with were it not for my husband.

Mysonroger- they were nice to me because I was with their son and I was nice to them because of their son, so, how fake is all that?

My husband has done a stupid thing by telling them how i have put them down to him-how can I be 'pretend friends now'? He has created this problem by going to them with our problems. Its his own fault if I don't play happy families. My son is welcome to go over there anytime. Why should I go them?

Indigoinoz-I hate all the stress this is causing. I need this like I need a hole in the head.

Mummytoalexandmary- Doctor Phil is great with this sort of stuff . Oh how I would love to give them all a wide birth.

Nicki-once in a blue moon is ok, but I want a LOOOOOONG break from them.


Maybe I can make up excuses as to why I don't see them? (start joining more things).

If my husband and son spends time with them and I am nice to them on the phone, I could get away with not seeing them for ages.

xxfertilethoughts

[MariaO]

Why don't you take a break from them all then for a while - you sound like you need it. Perhaps if in a few months you could arrange an outing somewhere neutral or busy where none of you has much opportunity to have detaile discussion (a trip to the zoo or whatever).

I suppose that they will always think there son is the bees knees, maybe both of you being false is as much as you can hope for, for peace sake, for the next few years!

Good luck anyway.

[Sholmes]

What happens in a relationship - arguments, fights etc, should never be shared or discussed with other people. ESPECIALLY family as they can be extremely biased and side with whoever. You probably need some time out from them which is fair enough. However the problem won't go away until it is discussed and all parties agree to not be involved and mind their own business, agree to disagree, that what happens in a marriage is PRIVATE i.e. between the 2 people involved only etc. Your DH has to agree to keep his trap shut above everything else. Btw, don't his family have their own relationships to be involved in??

You don't want to live the rest of your life excluded from his family as much as you may dislike them it would be a very lonely existence for you and your son to spend alot of time apart from you with him seeing your hubs family. I'm sure you don't want them poisoning him either!

I'm sure your MIL is not medically qualified to diagnose you with any illness. She is a twit. As for your MIL so called confession, that was her imposing her views not confessing anything. What has given her the impression that you put you husband down? is it something that he said to his aunty that spread through the family like wildfire? I think your husband needs to also work on regaining your trust after he stepped over the line.

I hope you can work things out. Everything needs to be aired so clear boundaries can be in place and there are no more blow ups.