+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21
  1. #1
    ToughLove's Avatar
    ToughLove is offline Meaner than a junkyard dog
    Winner 2012 - Funniest Member
    Winner 2012 - Funniest Thread
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    996
    Thanks
    121
    Thanked
    1,284
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Mum thinks baby will die

    This is a bit off an odd story, and an odd question.

    Pre-warning, this may be a sensitive issue for some people, please keep caution while reading

    Hubby and I want to TTC early this year, start in April. I've been doing research on different birthing techniques as the house we're in now is absolutely beautiful. Very old, with that lovely peaceful atmosphere that old houses have, lots of wood panelling. The bathroom is large enough that I'm able to wash two Great Danes in it, with room to walk around them and avoid the splatter from shaking. It has stained glass windows and a stained glass skylight, the tiling is cream and soft reds, old wood shelving and I find it beautiful and very relaxing in there.

    Previously, I was very against homebirths, but I like to get all the facts on something before I swing against or for it, and I've found that the thoughts I had about it were mostly incorrect and outdated.
    I quite like the idea of homebirthing in that bathroom, in the lovely roomy shower with the coloured sunlight.
    I love showering anyway, and would adore to have that warm water on me while birthing.

    We live walking distance to the hospital, so no issues with getting there in an emergency, and I've added it to my list of "Seriously consider".

    However, there's a small problem, and I would be grateful for any outside advice in this matter.

    My mother is extremely against homebirths, and goes hysterical when I mentioned the idea of liking to homebirth. I mentioned it once and she burst into tears and said no no no don't do it you'll die the baby will die, it's so unsafe, what if this...what if that...

    This is the sensitive warning, again

    Now, she has a really good excuse for this. Although she refuses to talk about it, and Dad has a closed mouth on the issue, I've gotten out in bits and pieces that she was at home alone, with Dad on a nightshift, and she had the baby at home. The ambulance got there but the baby was stillborn.
    I don't know if this was before or after I was born, I know they had twins before me and miscarried very late in the pregnancy, and there was an early miscarriage before my youngest sister.

    She denies it when I try and bring it up, and switches to another subject or just walks away, and I certainly do not want to press the issue on such a extremely tender subject.

    I've tried the gentle approach with "You know Mum, they say that homebirth makes the birth easier, and..." but I get that far and she freaks out again.

    I would really like to give more thought and research into homebirth, but I'm also tempted to just go the hospital route to soothe my mum. Then, I get into a fuss and think "It's not her baby! It's not HER body!"...and then I think well...it sortof is.
    She's afraid that her beloved daughter and grandchild will die, and that's a very valid fear. I'm not in my rights to deny her fear, which is actually valid, because she's experienced what can go wrong.

    So, is there any advice from hubbers on this tender issue?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Tassie
    Posts
    1,249
    Thanks
    139
    Thanked
    268
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Maybe sit down and watch 'the business of being born' with her so she can see what a home birth can be like. It may change her view on it.

    I feel for you both. She's obviously had a traumatic experience and wants to save you from the same.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    14,057
    Thanks
    1,875
    Thanked
    2,608
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Will you have a midwife to help you with a homebirth? Or do you plan on a freebirth? If you will have a midwife, perhaps you could focus on the fact that you won't be alone, you will have a midwife with you etc?
    Alternatively, you could just not talk to your mother about your birthing choices and have her live in blissful ignorance?

  4. #4
    Buttoneska's Avatar
    Buttoneska is offline Winner 2010- Most Community Minded Thread Award
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    5,677
    Thanks
    2,066
    Thanked
    1,981
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    it sounds like she has some sort of trauma associated with her experience which is totally natural I suppose.

    personally, if I was you I would continue doing research and work out what is best for you and your partner. If that is homebirth then I don't think you shouldn't do it just because of your mothers fears/history.

    Is it possible that if you decide to homebirth that you have to tell her? Could you tell her that you are planning on birthing at the hospy? Would she expect to be there etc?

    All I am saying if her response is that emotive/deep/traumtic I doubt you will be able to use logic to make her feel better about it. IT sounds like something she will only deal with if/when she is able to process her own past/issues perhaps with professional help.

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Buttoneska For This Useful Post:

    SpecialPatrolGroup  (08-01-2012)

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    1,016
    Thanks
    360
    Thanked
    98
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    tough one thats for sure.

    I can see that she has a rational fear due to the fact that it happened to HER. It is not something that she has heard over the grapevine, and lets face it if something terrible happens to us the last thing we want is for it to happen to a loved one.

    Now to your wants. They are valid too. You have every right to birth your baby how you want to. As horrible as it sounds you dont know the full circumstances of what happened to baby, there is nothing to say that the same end result would not have occured at a hospital. The difference here will be you will have an experience medical person on standby guiding you through. You are mins from hospital. You will not be alone. Maybe if you get all your info ready, find yourself a wonderful midwife/doula and then approach your mum. Let your mum meet her and come with you to some appointments so mum can have an understanding of how it will all work.

    You should not have to give up the way you want to birth, but you dont need to discount her feelings either and I think by involving mum and giving her all the updated info you have done this.

  7. #6
    headoverfeet's Avatar
    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    18,954
    Thanks
    3,142
    Thanked
    4,892
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    I would personally leave it until you are meeting with your midwife, the maybe ask her if she would like to come to meet with her? I don't know but I don't think you should plan your birth around other peoples feelings as you are the one that will truly have to live with that choice. If she is that upset I would suggest asking her if she has ever spoke to anyone about it? Also if she is holding onto her fear it might be best for you to really thing about whether she is going to offer you the kind of support you need during pregnancy and the birth.

  8. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to headoverfeet For This Useful Post:

    1+1=5  (08-01-2012),elleandsam  (08-01-2012),Guest1234  (08-01-2012),MilkingMaid  (08-01-2012),Witwicky  (08-01-2012)

  9. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    in the heart :)
    Posts
    1,902
    Thanks
    290
    Thanked
    504
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Id do it anyway and just not tell her, tell her you are booked into hospy?

    I also want a homebirth, so i understand you wanting her support as well.. its hard when you have to try to convince those around you that you are making the right choice for you and your baby.

    But in saying that, if you decide you really want a homebirth you shouldn't let her traumatic experience stop you. Having a planned homebirth with support is very different to an accidental homebirth when you don't even have your partner there to help.

    There is also the possibility her baby was already gone before she even started birthing. She has a history of fetal loss... I had a stillborn daughter 2 years ago, and although that was traumatic, she was gone well before labour started and i still trust my body to birth this baby. I went to all the hospital appointments etc and i still lost my baby. Medicine can only go so far and sometimes sh!t things happen in life. But you can't let (your mothers) fear rule your decisions.

    Sent from my MB525 using BubHub

  10. #8
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Mackay
    Posts
    6,275
    Thanks
    809
    Thanked
    2,399
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by onkybear View Post
    tough one thats for sure.

    I can see that she has a rational fear due to the fact that it happened to HER. It is not something that she has heard over the grapevine, and lets face it if something terrible happens to us the last thing we want is for it to happen to a loved one.

    Now to your wants. They are valid too. You have every right to birth your baby how you want to. As horrible as it sounds you dont know the full circumstances of what happened to baby, there is nothing to say that the same end result would not have occured at a hospital. The difference here will be you will have an experience medical person on standby guiding you through. You are mins from hospital. You will not be alone. Maybe if you get all your info ready, find yourself a wonderful midwife/doula and then approach your mum. Let your mum meet her and come with you to some appointments so mum can have an understanding of how it will all work.

    You should not have to give up the way you want to birth, but you dont need to discount her feelings either and I think by involving mum and giving her all the updated info you have done this.
    This.


    Me + He = DD1 (2007), DD2 (2010) & BellyBaby due August 2012
    Angel Baby 1 (July 2008) & Angel Baby 2 (October 2011)

  11. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    The Mad House
    Posts
    12,508
    Thanks
    663
    Thanked
    1,268
    Reviews
    4
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Past Moderator - Thank you
    Quote Originally Posted by missie_mack View Post
    As harsh as it sounds, don't tell her this is your plan.
    I agree

    If you are determined homebirth is for you, and you have the support of your DH, then no one else need know

    The best thing I did was keep my plans to just me and DH, as my MIL threatened to call DOCS on me if I continued my plan to homebirth

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to DQ For This Useful Post:

    Witwicky  (08-01-2012)

  13. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    in the heart :)
    Posts
    1,902
    Thanks
    290
    Thanked
    504
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    And as pps have said, maybe try having her meet the midwife etc? Sounds as though your mum needs counseling either way though xx

    Sent from my MB525 using BubHub


 

Similar Threads

  1. Dr thinks i have pcos...now what??
    By kayem in forum Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) Chat
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 14-09-2012, 06:50
  2. Finally - someone that thinks like I do about the gym
    By jessdon in forum Body image and eating disorders
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 31-07-2012, 14:20
  3. He already thinks I am pregnant
    By bubbabailey in forum Conception & Fertility General Chat
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 09-06-2012, 14:06

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Bamboo Lulu
Super soft, fun prints & basics for baby, made from bamboo & organic cotton plus non-toxic wooden toys. • Hypoallergenic - perfect for eczema relief • Everything needed to shop for a baby shower • 10% off + FREE gift with purchase. Use code BUBHUB
sales & new stuffsee all
Wendys Music School Melbourne
Wondering about Music Lessons? FREE 30 minute ASSESSMENT. Find out if your child is ready! Piano from age 3 years & Guitar, Singing, Drums, Violin from age 5. Lessons available for all ages. 35+ years experience. Structured program.
Use referral 'bubhub' when booking
featured supporter
Ro and Co
Ro and Co kids cooking classes and parties are a fantastic way for children to experiment with food. The classes and parties are designed to be both educational and fun, giving your child the skills they need to be confident and creative in the kitchen.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!