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  1. #21
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    Have you tried a swing? Best invention EVER!
    Also, a hug a bub or similar wrap style carrier is a life saver. Sure, it takes a bit to get the hang of but those things are amazing! It frees you up to get on with your day


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  3. #22
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    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    OP this stage is so tricky, your baby is becoming aware that they are a separate person and they still don't understand that in today's modern world that some animal isn't about to swoop down and hurt them, they don't understand that at night it is "safe" to sleep away from their main carers*, in effect, you have a cave baby in a world with modern expectations. Nothing your baby is doing is wrong, it is all normal. What you are experiencing (and I went through it with my first) is normal, I think what you might benefit from is a better support network, get your partner involved more with baby, mine loves to shower with bub each night, it gives me a 10 minutes break. In the evenings when he is home he is the go-for if bubs wants me to feed feed feed, there is nothing wrong with sleeping when your baby does, I can tell you that every attachment parent in this thread would love to have been given the advice to just do it if you need/want too, or they wish they had of actually followed that advice! Also remember that there is also nothing wrong with passing your baby to another trusted and loving carer ie. daddy while you walk away for a few minutes, I have been in the "I'm so touched out" boat many times, go grab a hot shower, go for a walk around the block, but I will not advocate leaving a stressed baby alone unless you have no other option.

    Please look into babywearing, especially back wearing bub. Also, do you cosleep? I found the first time around feeding at night would keep me away but eventually you get use to it, take advantage of the fact that you can sleep when your baby does, there is nothing wrong with it!


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  5. #23
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    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    *i believe the safest place for a baby to sleep is along side their mother or aware father in a safe cosleeping environment. By saying safe in my above post I mean- no predators, correct temp...


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  6. #24
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    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    http://cavemother.blogspot.com/2009/...s-on-from.html

    MONDAY, MARCH 2, 2009
    Mothering a Cave Baby
    Why Cave Mother? Well, six months on from giving birth to a beautiful daughter I have wasted far too much time worrying about how to bring her up and I have made a key realisation - millions of years of evolution have handed me a finely tuned motherly instinct. If I make my decisions based on my instinct, rather than the advice of a parenting manual, then I will be making the decision that evolution has guided me to make in order to increase my baby's chances of survival. In other words, do what a cave woman would have done. Seriously, if you ask yourself the question "what would a cave woman have done?" then things become so much simpler.

    OK I know I'm generalising here, and cynics can point to many flaws in the argument above, but the fact is that parenting in Britain today is largely based on a set of arbitrary rules invented by Victorians just over 100 years ago. Before that time it was normal to feed babies on demand, sleep them in their parents' bed and carry them in their carer's arms (just like most other mammals on earth). Six months ago I was all ready with the pram and the cot, preparing to follow the accepted model of childcare just as the vast majority of mothers in this country do. But something went wrong - nobody told my baby that the rules had changed. Nobody told her how to stay asleep in a cot, without the warmth of her mother beside her. Nobody told her how to lie quietly in a pram, staring at the sky, without the comforting bouncy sensation of a human step. Nobody told her how to go for more than an hour or two between feeds. So I was forced to adopt frowned-upon practices like sleeping with my baby, giving unlimited access to the breast, and carrying her around with me. And the result? She is now a happy baby and I am, at last, a happy mum. But I have spent months feeling like a failure and it is only now that I have come to fully understand that the social norm for childcare in this country is not necessarily the best for all our children.

    I know that I will continue to find it difficult to deviate from the norm without questioning my decisions, and I hope that I might be able to offer some support to other parents who can't shake the feeling that their baby was just not made for cots and prams.


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  8. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by VintageLover View Post
    Im not suggesting letting a baby cry to the point of causing damage.. That's just silly. Nor am I suggesting to close a door on her baby to be 'lazy' ..that also is just silly.

    I am suggesting creating some distance for a mother who is obviously struggling with her chosen 'parenting style'.. There are other options that as a new mother she may want to investigate.

    To continue along the same path will not change the situation and it seems that the mother would like something to change to give her some independence back. I am simply offering an alternative and some options for her to consider.

    I never implied leaving her baby to cry so hard it would cause damage neither did I tell her to shut the door and be lazy...

    Creating some distance between her and her baby will be beneficial to both parties.

    Thanks
    She's not managing an inconvenience, she's raising a baby. 4 months is so young and they DO rely on their parents 24/7 - BECAUSE THEY ARE BABIES!

    No reputable agency recommends any form of controlled crying before 6 monts and Tresillian and Karitane are now promoting parental presence.

    I would suggest to the OP that she tries a carrier like an ergo or maybe gives the Babybliss technique a go.

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  10. #26
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    So normal to feel this way! You've gotten some great advice in this thread from other attachment style parents (and so have I, woo! ). Can so empathise with how you feel and just now at ten months, my wee one can sit and play and crawl around the joint solo whilst I can have a (hot!) coffee, play the internets, even cook a meal or whatever I feel like - for you will be painting! Hold on tight because this stage will pass before you know it, and you'll be wondering when your little one became a toddler and is busy crawling/walking/running AWAY from you.

    You are an awesome mum and all the time and patience you are now investing will be worth it in the end.

  11. #27
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    VintageLover - we don't need to "train" our babies to be separate from us... they will outgrow us naturally in time when they feel secure and safe enough to... if parents choose to respond to babies every cry for them at such a tiny age (16 weeks!) it does not mean they will be clingy, dependent kids and adults... actually pretty sure research has shown the exact opposite.

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  13. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by VintageLover View Post

    Creating some distance between her and her baby will be beneficial to both parties.

    Thanks
    A 4 mth old doesn't need distance from her mother

    OP, I think you are doing a great job
    Do you know anyone with an ergo you could try?

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  15. #29
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    Hi,

    I understand how you're feeling in regards to having bub attached to you 24/7 and not being able to get a break. I did not do attachment parenting, but at 6-8months old my DD went through a 'koala baby' phase where I literally could not move for her wanting me to constantly hold her, feed her etc. DH couldn't hold her or she'd scream, (he ended up feeling very rejected by her too, which hurt him alot) I couldn't even go to the toilet without her losing it, even if I was in her line of sight. I had my mum come over more often so that I could get things done, but DD wouldn't settle for her either, my mum was astounded at how worked up she got in just 2mins of not being near me. After two months of it I was losing my mind.

    I guess I had to make a choice for both of our sakes to give myself some personal space back, as well as let DD learn that it was ok to not be held 24/7 and that she could self settle and be happy. I never once left her to scream on her own, or cry uncontrollably, but I did do things like put her in the swing or bouncer in front of me and talk/play with her instead of having to hold her, I tried the carrier but it crippled my already bad back so that was out. I used a walker so that she could still get around closer to me and see what was going on, that helped a great deal and gave her some new found independance. we did these things in small spurts and built up the time gradually, and over a month she was doing so much better and I didn't feel like I was drowning anymore. I know that your bub is a lot younger, but giving yourself some personal space, while still interacting with her is not a bad thing and it won't hurt either of you.

    The only thing I can think of for night settling/comfort sucking is trying a dummy. There's no need to ditch co-sleeping etc especially if bub is enjoying your company, but if you are not sleeping then it's no good for you, and you really might need to try some things to save some of your sanity, or you might just end up snapping which isn't good for either of you. Sleep deprivation can do a lot to peoples ability to think clearly!

  16. #30
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    Offering someone an alternative doesn't warrant a response from other apparent attachment mothers.. I also never suggested control crying...

    Interesting how tempers are flared when others are defensive of their own choices..

    I do believe babies are taught how to sleep/feed/play by their mothers..

    If you are happy to be attached to baby 24/7 then that is your personal choice. This mother is obviously not, she feels she is loosing her mind and asking for a solution to give her some time to herself.

    There are MANY different forms of parenting. Let's not forget that. I also have lived through the effects of sleep deprivation and believe it is no good for anyone...and if you would like to talk about research... Can also cause long term problems..

    She would like baby to sleep alone so she could get jobs done during the day or paint.. She is asking for help I have simply explained a few things to her so she can educate herself more on those things and hopefully gain some personal time back while baby is sleeping blissfully on her own! There is nothing wrong with wanting or doing that.

    Everyone is free to their own opinions :-)

    Thankyou

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