Dad in distress

[kirra]

Hey ya,

I hope things are working for the best for everyone

Everyone has given you plenty of great advice but there is one thing that sticks out to me. The fact that you started trying hard to change yourself when bubs was born. This is wonderful and good on you for doing so but your wife may be jealous or put out that you can do this for your DD but not for her. She could be wondering why she wasn't important enough for you to change for, this could even be the reason why she started to lose the weight and kinda explains her attitude towards you. Sounds silly but I can almost relate.

Congrats on changing and I hope things are becoming happier in your household

[dadad]

I'd suggest you leave her. You don't want your kids growing up with that as a role model and it's no good for you either. Hard call but seriously is anything short of this going to resolve the situation?

[jakesmom]

Hi,

I have read your post and have to admit some of the things ie SOME I have done too to my husband so if you were in similiar situation that I was I can see where she is coming from. She sounds very angry..therefore lashing out trying to make you feel crap, thats just how she deals with the anger. Were you addicted to games like my husband was? I mean when you have a 2 year old and a newborn you need help, my husband (42 yrs old) was playing games for hours staying up till early hrs of morning therefore couldn't wake up at all hrs of the night to help out so I was very very tired and angry, threatening to divorce as well. So I beleive there are 2 sides of the story, even though you say you have quit its may be hard to get over the hurt. I was very close to smashing the monitor and throwing out the computer out the window so your wife sounds calmer than me My husband has quit the games also now (still plays now and then which is fine) and things are much better...so not sure if this was a computer game addiction..husband would say im exagerating but i don't think I did at all. Guys on here may think I'm physcho but they should try getting 3-4 hrs sleep every night and see what mood they get in. Good luck

[Pessimism]

loveshisprincess:

I was in a VERY similar situation - obvious differences; but I am hearing what you are saying. If you would like a man-to-man chat about this stuff, hit me up with a PM. I am a new member myself - sadly my introduction to this was that my ex had an affair - but since that little hiccup, have been totally enjoing the site and the help and support it can offer!

Just a quick intro, too: Male (obviously!), 2 sons, love 'em both, see one very often (still currently living with my ex), the other not as often (previous ex to my ex - re-partnered a loooong time ago, we are at best 'civil' these days, however).

Look forward to a chat! Oh, love my games (yes, FF, but not online) also, btw

[Pessimism]

why does it seem that men cant enjoy themselves once they have kids? Do not give up video games all together, if you want to golf go golf you have a right to enjoy the things you use to before wife and kids, and if not then that is not a healthy relationship. If she enjoyed bubble baths before you met and laying in a nice hot bubble bath for an hour a day would you make her stop that? of course not so why would you have to stop the things you enjoy all together? My hubby plays games and now he doesnt play as much as he use to (by his choice) he still enjoys them when he has time and wants to play I think it is crazy to ask a person not to do something they like because they have a kid, so long as the kid is getting the attention and care they need.

I love you. Guy, girl, it doesn't matter. I love you. A truer statement could not be made! I have always felt that, while change is essential to a relationship, it should NOT involve changing yourself for the other party to the point you lose YOURSELF. People change all the time - whether it's being a gamer to gaming not as much and balancing family, work, etc; if it's weight loss and a boost in the self-esteem for that certain lady (been through that also - part of demise, I suspect...); whether it is changing youself for YOU - all these changes are fine. But NEVER change FOR someone else. No good will come from this; in fact, it is a sure-fire way to eventually lose both yourself and the person you are with (and yes, that makes no difference if you a guy or girl - I have seen woman change for their partner's, only to be left for another. That said, it appears us guys are expected to change beyond what we are a lot - Fellas, DON'T DO IT, change for you if you want, but not for another).

[sylvia1111]

if you ask her to tell you a few short specific things you can do that she would like then can she tell you

if you ask her a few specific things you do that make her unhappy now in the present not in the past can she tell you?

yes counselling . even get a partner to go by saying its your fault just get them there tell them to help you learn to be better then when you are there also gently mention that you feel hurt from them

are they irritable from lack of sleep, post natal depression, being overloaded?

[Misschief]

Sorry, I have never been married but jst wanted to offer a hug

I totally agree with a PP that you should not have to give up all the things that you enjoyed doing before DD came along.
You can still play computer games, but just limit it to maybe 1 hour a day. Or if possible, change the type of game you play. I know Final Fantasy and it is extremely addicting. A bit like WOW.
I know there have been marriage/relationship breakups because of game addictions. Still, if it helps you relax and escape her mental abuse, keep playing. But again, within limits.

IF she wants to work on your marriage, than she would agree to counseling. If she doesn't agree to counseling and keeps telling you that YOU are the one at fault, then as hard as it may seems, you need to separate yourself from her. (Temporary or permanent).
Using your DD against you, is a classic. Trust me, courts have already picked up on those threatening tactics and if you are a reliable and stable dad, you will be able to get 50/50.

My only concern with her going out to party (when she decides to start doing this) is that she will get in touch with other men who might seem more interesting to her at the time. I hope for your and your DD's sake, she doesn't cross that line.

[sydneychick]

Please try and have faith to repair this. My friend is trying to divorce her husband and she said its killing her. V easy to get married but v hard to have amicable outcome. You sound like a great dad and turning yr life around by stopping gaming is a Fab step in life. Some v good posts from people will provide u with the courage to assist a positive outcome. Also see if any groups in yr community will help. Good luck

Sent from my Nexus S using BubHub

[Peterhau]

Phew. This sounds just like me, only my OH had a friend who wasn't happy when she wasn't meddling in other people's lives. She took my OH out on the town for her birthday and she really never came home again. The bloke she met was everything I wasn't: intellectual, articulate, child free, and she started spending 90% of her time with him. Prior to having kids, we found that I had a genetic condition that had rendered me sterile - it is common knowledge, I don't hide it. She wanted a child desperately, so we imported a donor's stuff from the US, and started IVF. upshot of it was that we got a little girl, now 7 and twin boys, now 5. (and could have paid out our mortgage)

All the way through our relationship, she put me down - I only passed year 10, she was a uni grad. I was inferior, never find anyone like her, she would belittle me in front of our friends, etc, etc. Thats why your story sounds so familiar.

She eventually started dating this fella, leaving me at home to manage on my own with 3 kids, the boys were 2 at the time. Then, without warning (I was expecting it to happen), I came home from work to find that every stick of furniture worth anything had been taken. She had "Left me".

We were separated for 3 years, divorce finalised 2 weeks ago. I have never been happier since it finalised. She called me last night to say that she had made a mistake, and that the divorce was a mistake and that if I could change, she would take me back.

I have my kids 3 nights a fortnight, but the court has ruled that this will be revised when they are older - they can have input as to where and who they will be living with.

she can't deny access to your kids, unless you are violent and a potential risk, but even then the court arranges supervised visits.

Try to get her to couples counselling. if she refuses, well, eventually you will have to make a tough call. stay and be treated badly, or leave and start again.