Dad in distress

**equinemagic** · 03-01-2012 16:46

Twilight golf is $14.. if u are keen look around for good deals, this will help you feel better about urself and lift ur spirits, I like bits of what everyone says, and yes my relationship which was similar didnt last and my daughter to him is 6yre, i actually did love him just wasnt in love or satisfied so i was always angry! try rekindle the passion as thats the only saviour i can see cos i couldnt and its a downward spiral that took 4 yrs to end for me and now i know this i learnt many lessons and found someone who is just right for me.. split family is hard VERY hard but better then living depressed for all of you and your child.. but i think there are many things u can try first! i wanted to do counciling he didnt, dont think it would of helped us anyway!
We are now very civil and i made an effort from first day of split to not fight over her etc and think of her etc..
Im told i wear the pants in my marriage but we have respect for each other and he can still very easily put me back in my box lol its good for us both, he needs a leader and i need a fair kick up the backside at times BALANCE is the key to a happy partnership.
good luck

**loveshisprincess** · 03-01-2012 20:42

thank you everyone for the great advice. I have talked to DW about counseling and we are looking into it now. I will keep everyone informed about how it goes.

Again thank you everyone for your time and patience.

**delirium** · 03-01-2012 21:29

What stood out to me reading your OP was that she still harbors a huge amount of resentment from the past and losing the weight has given her the confidence to possibly end the relationship.

I do want to make it clear I'm not condoning what she is doing and she is emotionally abusing you. She either needs to make a decision she wants to move past the resentment thru counselling, or leave. Belittling you in front of her family is nasty and uncalled for. I'm just really making an observation from your post.

Sometimes when people lose a lot of weight, it's a wonderful thing for them both physically and emotionally. But I have known a few where it goes to their head and they become shallow and nasty. I remember seeing a show (maybe dr phil?) where a guy had a wife go on the Swan (a show where they give women loads of plastic surgery then put them in this pagent type thing). He was also overwight and said after the show she completely changed, said he was revolting and didn't deserve a woman as beautiful as her. They divorced. So weight loss can sometimes change people for the worse.

I think you need to acknowledge you weren't a good husband in the past, but that you have made an effort of late and that you don't deserved to be demeaned.

**Lovemyfam** · 10-01-2012 00:35

hope things are getting better

**Jay87** · 10-01-2012 01:21

I saw this and I know how you somewhat feel with what happened in your past since it was the all doing falling apart with me and an ex however we never had children or in a marriage so I can see its much harder then what I experienced.

But I admire at you kicking the video game addiction. I don't know how much you played Final Fantasy but I was absorbed into World of Warcraft for two years soild and it was my second job. Ive been over a year clear and it's just as hard to quit when you commit yourself to guilds and so fourth.

I hope councilling goes well for you and she can see that the changes you've made to better yourself are huge. GL

Sent from my iPhone using Bub Hub app

**Lucy in the Sky** · 10-01-2012 02:35

Just a woman's perspective:
DO NOT GO OUT AND PLAY GOLF!
I guarantee she is still harbouring resentment about how much time you used to spend on the computer. Golf is such a long game and you have a kid now that you need to be home for - if you take up golf, it will be seen as a repeat of the past, for sure. By all means get out of the house and give yourself a break and some timeout when you need it, but do it after you've helped put your DD to bed, or if on the weekends, only for a couple of hours and not regularly!
Your DW is treating you badly and I'm very sorry she is hurting you, but I get the feeling you might have been a pretty slack DH in the past and although you feel you have changed completely, this might not have filtered through to her yet.

And as for the weightloss, I sincerely hope it hasn't turned her into a shallow b8tch. Presuming (

) it hasn't, if she was overweight in the past, she probably has massive self-esteem issues that she has to get over. I'm guessing she now needs to feel on the inside as beautiful as she she is on the outside, so make sure you are the one to make her feel beautiful or she will seek it out elsewhere. She probably has spent years craving that feeling and now she has the opportunity to feel it, I'm guessing she's going to be looking for it! Doesn't justify the way she has been treating you at all, but if it were me in the situation, that is what I'd be looking for.

I am really glad you are going to get counselling! I hope it helps you both. Good luck.

**Lovemyfam** · 14-01-2012 15:58

why does it seem that men cant enjoy themselves once they have kids? Do not give up video games all together, if you want to golf go golf you have a right to enjoy the things you use to before wife and kids, and if not then that is not a healthy relationship. If she enjoyed bubble baths before you met and laying in a nice hot bubble bath for an hour a day would you make her stop that? of course not so why would you have to stop the things you enjoy all together? My hubby plays games and now he doesnt play as much as he use to (by his choice) he still enjoys them when he has time and wants to play I think it is crazy to ask a person not to do something they like because they have a kid, so long as the kid is getting the attention and care they need.

**Lib77** · 15-01-2012 11:17

I would say find some balance. If you do take up any hobby set aside a regular time for it so it's not a surprise or last minute dash from the house. Also make sure you let your partner have the same opportunity to get some her time to. That way you can both work it around bubs routine and both have recharge time to yourself. If you wife/partner decides to spend that time at home that's ok just make sure your the one tending to bub so she has her unwind time too.

Mother of two teens ttc #3

**Kiplusthree** · 10-03-2012 12:29

Originally Posted by Lib77

I would say find some balance. If you do take up any hobby set aside a regular time for it so it's not a surprise or last minute dash from the house. Also make sure you let your partner have the same opportunity to get some her time to. That way you can both work it around bubs routine and both have recharge time to yourself. If you wife/partner decides to spend that time at home that's ok just make sure your the one tending to bub so she has her unwind time too.

Mother of two teens ttc #3

^^ This.. both DO NOT GOLF! and GOLF, YOU DESERVE IT! Is extreem, lol

If you want a hobby fine, if its golf fine, just make sure you arenot hogging ALL the free time. Encourage her to get out maybe once a week too and share that "hobby time" also dont ever put it before free time together, you both need that too

I'm not going to put any hugely sided advice here as a post on bub hub just isnt enough to know the full story for either you or her..

But in hopes for your daughter I would say that this needs to be seen as partly both victims, and partly both responsible, and only as a team to be fixed! Worth fixing (because your daughter loves you both and staying togehter means you love each other too)

Relationships are so so tough.. It's never ending negotiation, happiness and saddness, hurt, and attack, compromise and working as hard as you both can against your impulsive feelings (of anger or reaction)

If you came together for a decent reason, love each other and can both be mature enough to do whatever it takes to get back there again then you will be ok.. Best of luck! I really hope you can both pinpoint what each of you do that upsets the other, realise it yourselves, work on it, and get further towards healthy happy loving behaviour and ensurance of a future family picture

**Benji** · 10-03-2012 12:49

I see this is a couple of months old so I hope it is sorted out now. Personally, my DP is on the computer right now. It doesn't bother me at all, but he does take a lot of time out for myself and DS and does his fair share around the house. I don't think it's fair that someone changes for the better but you are still being punished for it.

Please din't pkay games with her like some PPs have mentioned, threatening to take joint custody and leaving to play golf while you're struggling financially - that will help NOBODY!!

To me, it really sounds like she's already checked out of the relationship

I'm really sorry to say that but it's exacyly how I felt with my ex, I kept telling him I didn't want to be in the relationship but he wouldn't take no for an answer so, of course, I became hostile and upset and could barely look at him without feeling such hate.

Let her go. Tell her if she wants to leave she has your blessing and you want to raise your baby together but let her have her freedom. Some relationships just can't be saved and there is no point in being miserable together when you could both be much happier apart.

If you both do want to salvage the relationship, I don't know how you will do it without outside help.