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  1. #1
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    Default DH feels we are just flatmates.

    Two nights ago my husband told me that he feels like we are just really good flatmates. He says that I am his best friend and that he still loves me but isn't sure what he wants. He decided this morning that he was going to go away for a night and think things through. I am devastated, hurt, totally didn't see this coming. He is a really good husband and father, I really can't complain about him.

    We have a beautiful 5 month old baby who has been rather challenging, but is getting easier as time goes by. I am getting by on very little sleep and have really struggled with the adjustment to motherhood. I don't know how I will cope with this aswell.

    We haven't DTD since before bub was born. I have suggested it a few times but he doesn't seem interested. I have felt like he's not physically attracted to me anymore but I wasn't brave enough to ask that in case he said yes. I still have 15kg of baby weight to lose, but now I'm only 75kg at 170cm so I am a little overweight but nothing huge, I'm just not the same as before. The thought has crossed my mind that there's someone else, but I don't think so.

    We have been married 5 years but been together for nearly 9. He says he has felt like this for a long time....why didn't he say something before we decided to have a baby??? I have no family or good friends where we live, I don't know what to do.

    We haven't argued about this issue, more tears than anything else. I will do anything to make this work. Anyone been through this?

    Hope that makes sense, I think I'm rambling.

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    hugs...i wish i had some magic answers.

    Maybe he is struggling the adjustment to fatherhood as you are to motherhood...does not make it ok to just "leave you to it" while he goes and sorts out his head.

    My only suggestion is to go and do something lovely for yourself...maybe go to a movie (i like to time them for nap time and usually bubby sleeps through the whole thing...take a pillow in with you so bub can sleep comfy on your lap)...if you have someone to mind bub...maybe go get a hair cut or have a coffee with a friend.

    When he gets back...try and sit down and talk things through. He needs to understand that things do change with a baby and that it takes a while to settle into a nice family routine...but walking out the door and leaving you alone to go through all the "what ifs" is really quite mean.

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    Thanks smileygirl. I'm going to take bubs out and go shopping and get a coffee, hopefully he will just sleep in the pram. I'm trying to keep myself together, I know lots of couples have things so much worse.

    Maybe I haven't been paying enough attention to our relationship? Maybe I should try harder to lose the weight?

    I really hope it's just an adjustment period for him, I hate feeling like this.

  5. #4
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    London is offline “I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves" - Betty White
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    I am absolutely terrible with advice but couldnt read and not at least offer a hug.

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    Hbcbluyhjn
    Vbbnbngnmllnknmmn.




    PM

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    youve just had a baby...and are on the huge learning curve of being a mum!

    Has he been paying attention and making an effort...and i don't mean romantically...i mean getting stuck in and helping you and learning what it means to be a father.

    The weight will come off...but, this should not be a deal breaker. Our youngest is 15 months and i still have weight to lose...my hubby loves me for me. If his love depended on what the scales said...it would be a very shallow love.

    While having a coffee...why not write him a letter..tell him how you feel and how you've been feeling about becoming a mum. Do you appreciate him supporting you? Do you still feel in love with him? Explain that although things are all about bub now, you look forward to a wonderful future with a balance between couple time and family time.

    I hope he sees sense and commits to being a family and not a just a couple. There is a wonderful book we read called "the post baby conversation"...really helped us see things from the others perspective I prob still have it somewhere and could post it to you if you like (i know that not everyone is a reader lol)

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    What a heart-breaking thing to hear, I'm so sorry .

    The only advice that comes to mind is that when couples have a child the dynamic between them often (usually?) changes. There's a lot more work to be done than before and there's a huge shift in where your priorities lie... where once you would have been available to him in all sorts of ways (be they physical, emotional, social) you are now caught up elsewhere a lot of the time. It's completely understandable that formerly loving partners suddenly feel as though they're living side-by-side during these early months, and flat mates may well be an appropriate way to describe it.

    I think the key here is to realise that this shift isn't permanent. Yes, your bub is here to stay but you as a couple can find each other again on the other side of all these changes. I think any new parent who finds themselves unhappy in what what previously a happy relationship would be mad to leave on this basis alone. He says he's felt this way for a while, but might that not be a bit of distorted hindsight? As you say, if he really felt that way might he not have said something before having a baby?

    Would he agree to counseling? I wonder if a third party might help him to see what's really troubling him and help you both get through this...

    Best wishes .

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    Hugs. I'm sorry that he feels this way. No advice here sorry but lotsa hugs!



    Me and he = DD 18 months and belly bub ( May2012)

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    Thanks ladies, it is good to hear someone else's perspective. DH actually suggested counselling, hopefully we will do that ASAP.

    I know that we can get through this, I just hope he can see that too.

    It feels awful him just leaving me to worry today but I didn't want to push him and I kind of hope he will come to his senses.

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    i'm sorry, that must really suck.

    can i offer a different perspective, though? this is how i felt about xp towards the end, like housemates. there was no sex, no intimacy (i didn't really want it cos she smelt of cigarettes ew) and she did almost no housework. and one thing about this feeling is that it really does come with hindsight, it crept up on me. and then gradually i realised that it felt like we were renting a house together and had financial arrangements and whatnot, and that looking back, it'd felt that way for a while. housemates sharing a bed.

    now, xp and i are obviously over. but you needn't be. what would have helped me if i'd caught it earlier was sex more then 3 times a year , sharing housework and some intimacy, snuggling on the couch and whatnot. and talking about how the day was, rather than almost all conversation being about how to pay the next bill. figure out what you want to change in him, find out what he wants to change in you, come to some compromises.

    i wish you all the best. if he's willing to go to counselling then that would be a good thing to do. it may also help you to go, just something to consider.

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