Last edited by Yep; 07-02-2012 at 09:21. Reason: privacy
I'm crashing this section, as I'm not a single parent. Just some things stood out to me on your post.
Is he depressed? It isn't normal for someone to say they will kill themself, teamed up with his mood swings and drug/alcohol problem it sounds like it may be the case.
I don't really know if I'm being helpful here, but thought if maybe it was so then maybe there may be something to work on, if that's what you want to do.
B&B he has to want to work on it she can't force that and till he wants to she shouldn't have to put up with it (which it sounds like she has been and for a while now)
OP- new bank account, appointment with centerlink, approach relationships Australia about mediation for a parenting agreement (it looks better if you do this and it will work against him if he says no), is this a separation or a divorce? If it's a divorce it's worth requesting the paperwork for that too and will be cheaper when you're a concession card holder, you can order parenting order kits from the courts too if you're both happy to do that . Start estimating worth and cataloguing what you own and also who it will belong to. Make sure you take what you need from the joint accounts, contact schools and let them know of the changes and when/ if you get court orders keep them in the loop. Contactchild support to apy for an assessment when you contact centerlink they'll backdate your payments from the date you apply so do that ASAP and if you don't think he will pay ask them to collect or if you don't mind/ prefer not to collect ask for a private agreement tale care of yourself and expect some difficulties with the kids while they adjust to it all, worth looking into some separation books for them just to help them understand CSA will have some info they can send out too. Dont think I've missed anything but it's been a while xx and good luck, please remember it's ok and normal to be grieving and it's definitely ok to ask for help
Last edited by Yep; 07-02-2012 at 09:24.
my exhusband of 7 years also had drug problems and depression - also in and out of work.. tbh the bit you wrote about 'he said I knew what he was like when I married him'... that bit reminds me of my ex.. tbh when I think back now (divorced 2 years) I DID KNOW what I was marrying but was in denial because I thought he would change - he promised he would change or I expeced him to change. Sad truth is: they never change. Esp, when drug and depression are invovled - if they don't seek help you can't force them. My ex and I had councilling many times but he often didn't show.. divorcing him has been a nightmare because he wouldn't turn up to hearings or mediation etc.. his life is a total mess of prescription drugs, personal problems and debt.. and I can see him for what he really is. I'm sorry to have to say this to you but from my experience of people like that - they will never ever change. you can't make them either.
what you need to ask yourself is:
can I live like this any more?
am I already a single parent in many ways?
how would life be different without him?
for me (and once I phoned centerlink and found out I could manage without him financially) I realised the children and I would be better off without him and that was the end (the final straw was finding out he'd stolen a heap of our money and had lied to me for years).
YOU matter and your kids need YOU. end of story. if you're not happy - they aren't happy.
get the centerlink stuff sorted (they need a date for when your husband stopped living at home, everything works from that date so I remember saying 4 days from the date I saw them and told ex he had to be out by then), phone child support agency and get the ball rolling there very quickly as that can take 3 months to get sorted. If he doesn't have a job they will start raking up a bill for him and when he gets his tax return it will go to you.
stay strong and be strong for your kids... there is time for crying later (I found).. get on with the business of getting your life back and your kids will also feel a lot better without fighting around. you'll feel strong each year and look back with wiser eyes than now about what's 'really' going on.
I told my ex he had to pay back the money he stole from us by selling the very very expensive musical instrument he got on a personal loan behind my back... either sell it and make good the huge mess you've made (this is without even discuss the drug taking and other problems).. bottom line.. he said 'no' he wasn't going to sell the musical instrument and make things right.
at the end of the day they are either willing to change and see the value of their family or they won't - that's the bit that hurts. Even to this day I still get a sudden surge of annoyance with my exhusband and feel like screaming at him 'if only you would do the right thing!!! we could have been happy!' but he won't and basically can't change. Your ex sounds similar. You've told him you're very unhappy, you've laid it on the line. Now he has to man up or bugger off. My motto: if you're not 'adding' anything to my/children's lives then you may as well go. Weirdly once I kicked ex out I got stronger financially with a load of savings (I was always very good at saving till married... pieces fit together more and more) and am just about to finish my post-graduate in teaching. My life as got better, his has got worse. I've moved on, he hasn't. You will probably notice something similar.
"I told him I'm giving it 2 weeks. In that time he needs to organise his appointments and prove that he really has given up drinking. I'll still be calling centrelink tomorrow and doing what I need to do." - great idea! very reasonable I think.
"Sorry for all the ramble, I hope I'm making sense, I just have a million things going through my mind!" you're making total sense! best of luck and tell us how you get on either way.
Yes I think it's normal, but what you 'might' be mourning is the end of the marriage.. that's similar to a death in the family.. it's the end of all your joint thoughts and dreams. Only the reality (you must keep telling yourself) is that they were YOUR dreams and not his...he won't give up the drink and drugs if he doesn't share your vision of your future together. If it's something you can't live with him doing and he refuses to change (god knows I gave my exhusband so many chances to change and there were lots and lots of promises but never any change for more than a week or so and there is a hell-of-a-lot of lying that goes on about 'change' which you find out about later).
You will worry about him, it's only natural I mean you've been married for 10 years and you can't just turn that feeling off. I 'used' to worry about my ex initally and occassionally I wonder how he's going to manage when the debt collectors catch him or he gets busted for drugs etc.. but tbh over the years I've worried less and less.. I honestly don't really care what happens to him because he doesn't care so why should I worry. He's big enough to look after himself.
The problem with the drink is that it's everywhere - my best friend tells me her husband (who gave up the drink) can't go out with is mates as much etc etc.. he has to be really careful because he will slip up easily so it takes great strength to give that one up. The drugs is another issue.. your husband does it because he likes it and it gives him pleasure - this outweighs your concern for him doing it around the children and your concern for his health. If you try to change him you're headed for more fights. If you can't live with it and he refuses to change (he doesn't need 2 weeks.. he can stop today if he's serious) then you have your answer. Life's too short to be stressing about him and his problems - they are his problems and shouldn't become your problems. Perhaps a short sharp time apart (trial separation) would bring the issues to the front pretty quickly? If he's serious he'll do that, give you space to get your head straight, give up the drug and drink and be willing to do a drug test before you'll consider it again..
if he can't stop and see how upset it's making you and that he will possibly lose his family then he will never give it up. I think my ex didn't expect me to follow-through and got a shock when I asked him to leave. He still expects me to say 'oh alright come back' as he's in denial about his behaviour sometimes..some people are very thick skinned and you can't help them.
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