First post removed by user.
First post removed by user.
Last edited by BH-tech; 25-02-2016 at 10:35. Reason: privacy
I don't think she necessarily needs to put in as much effort, some people just aren't into cooking and don't see the point of cooking a dish for 2 hours when it can be bought... I'll add I am a cook so this isn't me
Having said that, it's really the portion size she is bringing that is unfair. She can't expect to bring 2 adults and 4 kids and bring enough potato salad for 2 adults Maybe she can bring the coleslaw in those huge tubs from woolies? Or a made 20 serve pavlova base and she can just dress it at your IL's house? I would be saying she can buy it, but it needs to cover the guests.
Yes, i think it is very rude.
Maybe you could include her in your food prep? Maybe next year you could invite her to spend a day with you helping make some dishes and in the process teach her a few things she could make - or give her a 'dish' to make also and really kind spell it out that it should be homemade and a decent serving (or at least a decent serving - i don't think it matters as much to be homemade, not everyone is good at cooking). For example say 'You can make the potato salad, we need enough for everybody so if you buy x amount of potatoes it should make enough'. ?
It isn't fair that she isn't contributing fairly imo.
I've learnt that you have to be straight forward in these situations. She didn't listen when you hinted at it 4 or so years ago, so I think you need to be a bit more forward.
Tell her the truth "I'm sorry, but you aren't invited".
Or if she is invited, find some recipes for her and give them/it to her and let her know if she is going to be coming then it is expected that she make and bring something that everyone can eat and enjoy.
i agree that it doesnt necessasarily have to be homenade food but it def needs to be an appropaite serving size. something that we go by is to bring enough food to serve yourself (as in her, hubby & kids). im not meaning ham, turkey, salad, dessert etc, but if they only ate the potato salad there should be enough to satisfy them iykwim??
in saying that i think its really rude of her to invite herself to your inlaws family xmas every year esp since you have tried to say its not appropiate. does she have any other family? your parents, other siblings, her hubbys family? i guess it would suck to have no other family to spend time with on xmas day. could you d lunch/dinner with DH's family and the other with her either at her place or yours?
Yeah, I think that's super rude she invited herself, was told its not appropriate, and pretty much brings nothing.
Maybe if she cannot cook she purchases one of the roasts for someone else to prepare?
Something that's proportional to the fact she has a family of 6.
It's rude to invite yourself even after you've been told your not invited and its just a slap in the face to not bring enough to share when everyone else does.
As for dealing with it, I really don't know what to say...
It sounds as if there has been a bit of a communication breakdown, where perhaps she feels that she is invited, and that has actually become the case as no one wants to tell her that she is not welcome (understandably).
I agree that she needs to contribute to the same extent as everyone else though. Next Christmas perhaps it could be worth saying something along the lines of:
"For next Christmas we're going to do a thing where everyone brings a dish that can serve 20 people. That way the burden doesn't all fall on one person, and it means that the costs are shared too. Is that okay with you? I know it's a pain having to cook or buy for that many people, but I think that's the fairest way to do it."
I know that's what you have already been doing, but maybe wording it to her as if it's a 'new thing' and getting her buy-in will mean that she has to do it. And then check with her along the way about how the prep is going, and what she will be bringing.
You never know - she may decide it's too much hassle and go elsewhere???
And all of that (above) is if you are happy to continue with her being there. If you really don't want her to come then I'd suggest saying something like:
"We had a lovely time at Christmas, but we've decided we're going to do a smaller one next year. It gets so hectic with that many people, so unfortunately we're not going to be able to ask you. I hope we can still catch up around that time though." And say it well in advance (like now-ish) so that she has all year to make new plans. And, as above, check in with how she is doing and what she plans to do for Christmas throughout the year, just to make sure it is very clear.
Maybe you could say to her next year; "Why don't I cook a big *insert dish* on behalf of both of us and we'll just split the food cost?"
That way you know she not bring crap, it caters for everyone and no resentment or embarrassment...
Instead of side-stepping etc I would actually just come straight out and tell her that it wasn't fair. Honestly, that's a really ****ty contribution and it's incredibly unfair on your DH's family.
Can I just ask though - are your parents around? Do you have other family? It seems like her little family has no-one to spend Christmas with
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