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  1. #1
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    Default totally confused!

    My DS is turning five in feb... his dad and i have not been together since i fell pregnant... his dad has met him once when he was three days old and after that weve had no contact.... this is partly my fault as i changed my number after he was being threatening... I have googled him recently and once again he is up to no good... stealing cars and being caught by police but somehow escapes any trouble with the law... he is quite a good racing car driver and is still racing most weekends... until now i have thought the best thing is to keep him out of our lives however DS has started to cry and say he is sad as he doesnt know his dad and would like to meet him... i explain to him that his daddy isnt ready to be a daddy yet but has beautiful blue eyes just like him and likes to ride motorbikes like him... this is now not meeting what he wants... i have heard its better all out or all in with kids getting to know their dads but is it really?? i should i try to get into contact wthi his dad and see if he will take some awareness of his son (he has never paid child support nor do i want it) and have him make the decision that he either chooses to be some part of his life or else relinquish all paretning rights or just try to hold the whole situation off for a year and see how we go???

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    I haven't been in your situation but my gut instinct would be to try and manage your little one's distress without involving a biological father who obviously doesn't give a hoot.

    Your LO is missing 'a' daddy not 'his' daddy


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    MilkingMaid  (27-12-2011)

  4. #3
    AndrewTheEmu is offline Bubhub Ambassador - tongue in cheek
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    Well said mettie!

    'your boy is missing a daddy not his daddy'

    Id keep sugar coating it. No one wants to hear their parent is a low life. And he's too young to understand why you thought his dad was best kept out of the pic.


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    The PP have said it perfectly.

    As heartbreaking as this is now it would hurt him now to have his daddy disappoint him/ let him down often and he may then feel like he isn't enough etc. My sister went through similar and did meet dad only for him to promise presents and visits and never show up/ follow through or show up unannounced and it caused alot of heartache. Support him through this and it will pass he has an amazing mummy to love and guide him daddy can wait till daddy is ready or he is old enough to understand a little more without it hurting him.

  6. #5
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    GluttonForPunishment is offline Bubhub Award Winner - 2011- Most Optimistic Poster and Newbie of the Year Awards
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    Dad knows about his son. And he could find you if he wanted to badly enough. I'm that son grown up. My dad saw me when I was one day old and I never said another word again till I was 28. It took me half a day to find him. If the dad of your son wanted to find you and him so that he could be a part of his life, he would. That is HIS responsibility. If he's a schmuck, then it's lucky that your son has a wonderful mum to raise him.


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    thanks everyone... i think you are right... he is racing bmx bikes and peewees most weekends which are both very much "father and son" oreintated sports... he sees dads everywhere and him without one... makes me sooo sad for him

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    MilkingMaid is offline Winner 2009 - Mod Award - most supportive member
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    Does your son have any other good male role models in his life? This is very important if possible, I noticed that my sons missed their dad a lot less when they had more contact with their uncles grandads etc... Try as much as you can to fill his life with GOOD men.

    It's really hard, breaks your heart.

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    his grandad who is was really close with passed away 6 months ago and his great grandad who he also had a close bond with passed away a year ago so its been really tough... the guy next door is good with him, when it suits him though... so its pretty tricky... i do lots with him as he is such a boys boy but i know he really craves a male... very hard situation cause i also dont want to date just yet... i dont want to have men coming and going from his life.....

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    You can never take it back once you go down that road of introducing your child to the DNA provider. If this man wanted to know his child he would have made a point of knowing him. He's not a good role model/human being by the sounds of things so my honest opinion is that your son is safer and better off not knowing him.

    It sounds like the loss of both grandpa and great grandpa have left a big hole in your son's life and he's looking around him for things to fill that gap. It's not always possible (frome experience) to just magically find a male to slot into their lives so a combo of the gentle truth - I used to tell my son his dad (cough) was too busy at the moment - and the attitude of 'Oh well, life goes on whether we like it or not and mummy/gran/grandfather/aunts/uncles/friends love you dearly and think you're the most special boy in the world so aren't you just the luckiest, and spending a lot of time with those people, got us through.

    I can't stress enough that once you do make that contact you can't undo it and unless he is stellar father material he will create a really difficult dynamic in your son's life that will only hurt him.

    Good luck with your decision making.


 

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