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    Default Extreme MIL issues, please help!!

    Deleted for personal reasons, thanks to all for their helpful input
    Last edited by ShanandBoc; 24-12-2011 at 23:41.

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    MrsTwith3's Avatar
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    All I can say is WOW that woman needs some serious Mental Health support and your DH needs to be the one to help her in getting the help she needs.
    I guess for your DH the way she is, is all he knows so maybe doesnt think it is as bad as what other people would see it like.
    Sorry I dont have an suggestions for you on how to help just lots of hugs for having to deal with her irrational, selfish behaviour.

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    I agree she needs to see someone, but i doubt she will. Even the suggestion will prob cause her to lose it at DH. Thanks i never really thought of it the way that you put it - That DH prob doesnt even see how bad she is cause hes never known any different. Its hard cause i have to be so careful what i say about her as he is really sensitive about it understandably Its in my nature to want to help people, and ive tried but i feel as this is all just beyond me and for my own sanity i need to stay out of it! Does that make sense?

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    It sounds like your MIL is quite the handful! It also sounds like you're being the bigger person and still being nice and rising above it for your DH's sake. Hopefully one day he will see that and appreciate you even more for it. It also sounds like whilst your DH is willing to put up with a lot from her he's also very considerate of you and your feelings and what is best for his family. Without putting your MIL down to him, perhaps talk to him, ask him that if she's over not to leave you alone with her? It seems like he has his priorities straight though and puts your family first most of the time, when she's not coercing him.

    As for moving in - I'd start putting it a different way to him just quietly in his ear each time it's montioned. "It sounds like MIL has so many health problems and I'm so busy with DD, perhaps a nursing home or retirement village would be best for her so she gets the medical attention she so clearly needs." As in make it sound like it would be in your MIL's best interests to be somewhere she can be well looked after professionally, not at your home. Sounds like she'll play into it without knowing with all her health problems she talks about so often!

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    ShanandBoc  (22-12-2011)

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    First off - . Secondly I'm sending you an invite to the Partners and Loved ones with Mental Illness group.

    There are a few truths here that I need to say and that you need to convey to your DH. So it's clear:

    1. I am a guy

    2. I was an only child who was raised by a single mum

    3. My mum has suffered from depression and other mental illness

    So your DH and I share a few things in common here. So, to the truths:

    Truth #1: Your DH owes her NOTHING! You're a parent. If DH died you'd raise her on your own if you had to. That's YOUR responsibility as a parent to do what you need to do to raise your child. The whole idea of having children is unconditional love. DH owes her nothing - he needs to grow to understand this. Her guilt trips need to be shut down and shut down by him.

    Truth #2: Her mental illness is NOT your problem. You should not cater to it, pander to it, accomodate it. She will have no incentive to get help if you continue to enable her actions. Just because somebody has a mental illness, doesn't mean that you can't hold them accountable for their actions. If she is being rude to you, end the conversation. If she is running down DH, end the conversation. You can't continue treading on eggshells "in case things upset her." Your DH, whilst meaning well, is perpetuating the situation.

    I am not saying desert her. A stand needs to be made where she is encouraged to get well. All too often, those who try to support those with mental illness get sucked down with them. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN! You and DH have to come first. It already sounds like you have a DH who is on his way to having issues of his own unless things change - and fast. Support her, be there for her, but DON'T let her problems dominate your lives.

    Please.

    Truth #3: Do NOT let her live with you. I will, right here, put everything I have down as a bet that your marriage will not stand that. In her current state, she is poison. She will alienate you and do damage to your relationship with DD. It's easy to see that she would try and turn DH against you. Do you think that she wouldn't do the same with DD? You have a responsibility to your daughter - so does your DH. Letting her move in would be hugely detrimental for all of you.

    Now, of all people here, I tend to be Mr Understanding. And I hope that I haven't been too harsh. All here know how much I try and support those with mental illness. The key is that you can't help anyone unless you look after yourself first. And that is what you and DH HAVE to do here. Please feel free to PM me and if your DH would like to get in touch with me then I would be happy to do that too.

    All the best. I'll be thinking of you.

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    Deleted
    Last edited by Guest1234; 15-01-2012 at 10:55.

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    ShanandBoc  (22-12-2011)

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    I should just add that every effort needs to be made into trying to get her to see somebody. There are others who know more than me in regards to your options there, but if she is to be a positive part of your life at some point in the future, this is going to be the first step.

    Again, good luck!

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    ShanandBoc  (22-12-2011)

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    Thanks so much everyone, and gluttonforpunishment your post is a huge wake up call for me, highlighting how serious this is. I agree with everything u said but i just dont know how to handle it or how to handle speaking to my DH about it without it all blowing up in my face. Ive never had to deal with someone like her before. I posted on here as i needed some advice and i wish i could show my DH this thread but he would be furious He just doesnt see it the way you see you own situation.....he just feels as tho we have to put our own feelings and needs aside and suck it up for her.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Penny88 View Post
    It sounds like your MIL is quite the handful! It also sounds like you're being the bigger person and still being nice and rising above it for your DH's sake. Hopefully one day he will see that and appreciate you even more for it. It also sounds like whilst your DH is willing to put up with a lot from her he's also very considerate of you and your feelings and what is best for his family. Without putting your MIL down to him, perhaps talk to him, ask him that if she's over not to leave you alone with her? It seems like he has his priorities straight though and puts your family first most of the time, when she's not coercing him.

    As for moving in - I'd start putting it a different way to him just quietly in his ear each time it's montioned. "It sounds like MIL has so many health problems and I'm so busy with DD, perhaps a nursing home or retirement village would be best for her so she gets the medical attention she so clearly needs." As in make it sound like it would be in your MIL's best interests to be somewhere she can be well looked after professionally, not at your home. Sounds like she'll play into it without knowing with all her health problems she talks about so often!
    Thanks hun, but in regards to a retirement village or nursing home, who would fund this? She certainly cant and neither can we.....Plus ive subtly mentioned this to DH and he doesnt want her to ever b in a nursing home if he can help it. Btw she has just turned 60.....

  14. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by ShanandBoc View Post
    Thanks so much everyone, and gluttonforpunishment your post is a huge wake up call for me, highlighting how serious this is. I agree with everything u said but i just dont know how to handle it or how to handle speaking to my DH about it without it all blowing up in my face. Ive never had to deal with someone like her before. I posted on here as i needed some advice and i wish i could show my DH this thread but he would be furious He just doesnt see it the way you see you own situation.....he just feels as tho we have to put our own feelings and needs aside and suck it up for her.
    Yeah, that is really dangerous. Like I said, if you can think of some way to put him in touch with me, I would be really happy to help. Just send a PM if you need to.


 

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