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  1. #51
    Buttoneska's Avatar
    Buttoneska is offline Winner 2010- Most Community Minded Thread Award
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    Those of us on the hub who know your DW were completely shocked to hear of this situation - so I can't even imagine how hard it was for her.

    She is amazing and I think you are very very very very lucky that she is prepared to engage in any sort of friendship with you given everything that has happened. I am not saying you are a bad person or anything, but I imagine if I was in that situation it would be so bl00dy hard to let you in.

    I have no advice though - the decision is with her.

    As for joining/posting on BH - if it was my ex I would appreciate if they contact me and made sure I was ok with it. If I wasn't I would appreciate they leave.

    Good luck - I really hope you can work it out.

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  3. #52
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    OP can i ask what makes you wanting her back this time different to the other times?

    What was the turning point that made you say what have i done? How can i fix this? There has to have been something or it's just more of the same.

    I was just curious to know what it was that made you turn around and realise.

  4. #53
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    I just also want to add that this is the only forum I know of and it's all well and good for everyone to say go somewhere else but I don't know where else to go. I would be grateful for suggestions as I'm not very good with the whole technology thing and I can only access things via mobile (also another reason for BH due to the app). If my DW still uses BH I had no intention of invading her space or trying to win people over on a place where she can see. I simply just want advice and a means of help. If my DW still uses BH then I hope that people who know her give her the privacy she deserves and support.

    I also know that many of you are saying you would never take me back and that is fine. In every case though it is up to the individual person and their choice alone. Im not on here to win the love of people or ask for anyone to take my side or even defend me for that matter. I just want a support network as I have no friends to go to and im not close to my family either.

  5. #54
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    When I would visit my DW and kids I would feel a sense of being complete. When I wasn't around them I felt empty. I would look at my DW and feel all the wonderful emotions a person could feel. I knew I had made a mistake. As for the wanting it back and changing my mind but then again going back to wanting it again. I didnt change my mind to play games or because I wasn't sure. I was just scared of the hard work and journey ahead and I
    Cowardly turned away from it. I realised though that what my DW had gone through and is going through to even give me any chance must be harder then what I need to go through and knowing that she is strong enough to do that gave me the strength and courage to man up to my mistakes and face them head on

  6. #55
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    If you're in touch with DW, could you ask her how she feels about you being on here? If she doesn't have a problem, then fine. If it makes her a bit uncomfortable, however, there are other forums that are accessible on a phone
    Last edited by Mod-pegasus; 23-12-2011 at 00:50. Reason: reference to parenting forum

  7. #56
    Buttoneska's Avatar
    Buttoneska is offline Winner 2010- Most Community Minded Thread Award
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    BH is a great support network that is true. I wasn't trying to give you a hard time and Im sorry if you felt that way. I just meant that maybe you should check with DW and make sure she is ok with it IYKWIM.

    For what its worth, I don't think your a horrible guy. I think you made some poor choices at a time in your life when you were very confused. I just don't know what the way forward is. I think you are doing everything you can. Discharging from the army, moving closer, getting councelling, talking ot her family - they are all great steps to sorting yourself out.

    I have never known anyone in the army but I do believe it would be a very unusual environment and when young the lifestyles of others can really impact on you. I am not saying its an excuse for the lying and all that stuff- but I do see how it can create confusion.

    Keep doing what your doing, focus on getting yourself healthy and happy. As hard as it is, your happiness can't pivot on her taking you back or not. What if she never takes you back? Or what if she does, but you haven't worked through all your things and it negatively impacts on your chance for a happy marriage.

    You seem like a great dad - I believe you do want your family back. Be all that you can be on your own and as a dad. And then just see how the future unfolds.

    ETA - And remind yourself that no matter how hard it is to be honest, face your feelings or fears - it will be worth it to be happy (either on your own or with her). Your DW had no choice but to find happiness on her own, given an extreme situation and a time in her life that should have been filled with joy and loving supportive partener - she had to draw on her own strength and find a way to be ok. I am not trying to guilt you, but maybe use that example of strength to draw on your own and to find your own happiness. Don't use your DW as a crutch to fix things now. Be happy on yourself and show her you are someone who has your sh1t together. Someone who can be a father, husband and part of a family FOREVER.

    Last edited by Buttoneska; 22-12-2011 at 17:32. Reason: adding stuff and typos

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  9. #57
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    You've had some great advice already, but I just thought I'd add my thoughts.

    If I were in your wife's position I honestly don't think I could ever take you back, but that's just me. My parents actually went through something quite similar (even the military part) when young and it repeated later in life. I've seen the impact that has had on my mother from a child's point of view. I would never want my DD to see her mother treated that way or feel the way I have felt over the years as my parents struggled in the their marriage.

    I don't necessarily think you're a bad person - just as I don't think my dad is a bad person - but this is bigger than you. Don't just ask yourself what you want or what your wife wants, but what does it mean for your kids? Maybe it's not best for them to have their parents together in this case.

    If you are both committed to making it work don't get hung up on large gestures declaring your undying love. Do the little every day things that make her life better. Be considerate, think about your actions, be truthful and open, show you trust and respect her. And for your kids, do the same. If they see you lie to their mum it will shatter their concept of what Dad is meant to be. Trust me, your kids won't forget and it will forever tarnish your relationship with them.

    If you do 'win her back' you've got a lifetime of work ahead of you. If you both consider that seriously and all that it entails and are still sure it's what you both want, then I hope it works out for you.

    I hope you both find happiness
    Last edited by Cue; 22-12-2011 at 17:32.

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  11. #58
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    I am definitely ensuring that I do the things that count and not just confessing my love for her. I definitely know that for our kids the set thing would be to see mummy and daddy happy and if it means together or apart then it's one way or the other. I'm not just thinking about myself in this mess either. I hate saying "I want" as it sounds selfish however I need to just say it.... I want my DW to be happy with which ever decision she decides to make.

  12. #59
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    Witwicky is offline A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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    *sigh*

    I wasn't going to come into this. I don't want to read the thread properly, but have received a few concerned PM's from my friends on here (love you guys).

    I don't mind if you're here. Bubhub *is* a great support network. I don't write things on here that I don't want people IRL to see. I feel like I can still have my awesome bubhub support network even if you are on the same forum. It's good to receive advice from bubhubbers, they give the best advice around

    (The reason I'm saying this in the thread is to reassure other hubbers who might not take his word for it).

    Btw Hi It's me - I do still come on, just have a new username.

    *Stepping out now*

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  14. #60
    Buttoneska's Avatar
    Buttoneska is offline Winner 2010- Most Community Minded Thread Award
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    Good luck - I hope it all pans out in the end. For what its worth my DH (then DP) and I went through something similar when we were around 24. We didn't have kids but yeh he wasn't sure about it all and basically we went through the same thing you and your DW went through. As I said it wasn't as extreme since we dind't have kids.

    Anyway, that was about 6yrs ago and we are happier then ever.

    I hope it can work out for you guys too.


 

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