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  1. #31
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    My posts aren't directed at your husband though. They're directed at this guy.

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by BornToBe View Post
    My posts aren't directed at your husband though. They're directed at this guy.
    I know, I never said they were. I was simply saying I HAVE been in this wife's shoes, I have felt her pain, anger, all the emotions. I do know what she is going through. When I have responded to this thread, I am doing so from experience. I'm not trying to start arguments or stir the pot (just in case people get the wrong idea). I'm just speaking as someone who has been through it, and hopefully give OP some idea on what he has ahead of him. I don't believe calling him selfish (or any name for that matter) will achieve anything. I'm sure feels bad enough without complete strangers saying that type of stuff. He needs advise, not judgement.


    Me + He = DD1 (2007), DD2 (2010) & BellyBaby due August 2012
    Angel Baby 1 (July 2008) & Angel Baby 2 (October 2011)

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  5. #33
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    I hear ya lilmiss. I'm really not intending to call this guy names, or judge too harshly or what have you. I *do* believe those were selfish actions, and I do believe he has some serious grovelling to do and it's going to take time to get back to where he used to be.

  6. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by BornToBe View Post
    I hear ya lilmiss. I'm really not intending to call this guy names, or judge too harshly or what have you. I *do* believe those were selfish actions, and I do believe he has some serious grovelling to do and it's going to take time to get back to where he used to be.
    Absolutely I think there is a difference between saying selfish actions and selfish person.


    Me + He = DD1 (2007), DD2 (2010) & BellyBaby due August 2012
    Angel Baby 1 (July 2008) & Angel Baby 2 (October 2011)

  7. #35
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    If you have done several inexcusable things then I don't think that you are in any sort of position to be 'winning' anyone back. That's even more selfish to contemplate. Work on becoming a better person and father. You deserve to feel awful. Trying to alleviate your own pain isn't trying to do the right thing.
    If you were my husband posting on bh after all of that AND trying to coax your way back into my life I would be extremely unimpressed. I can't help thinking that you are going about this the wrong way. If you're ex dw is a memeber here I can't see this doing any favours. It would come across as a bit manipulative to me.

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  9. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by CakeyLoaf View Post
    If you have done several inexcusable things then I don't think that you are in any sort of position to be 'winning' anyone back. That's even more selfish to contemplate. Work on becoming a better person and father. You deserve to feel awful. Trying to alleviate your own pain isn't trying to do the right thing.
    If you were my husband posting on bh after all of that AND trying to coax your way back into my life I would be extremely unimpressed. I can't help thinking that you are going about this the wrong way. If you're ex dw is a memeber here I can't see this doing any favours. It would come across as a bit manipulative to me.
    Then why not suggest ways he can go about it differently? That's what he came here for, not with the intention of her seeing.


    Me + He = DD1 (2007), DD2 (2010) & BellyBaby due August 2012
    Angel Baby 1 (July 2008) & Angel Baby 2 (October 2011)

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    It's big of you to stand up and admit these things that you're not proud of. Nobody is perfect. But i hope you have put yourself in your wifes place in your mind and can imagine the devestation you have caused her. Completely blindsided and she did nothing wrong. She was pregnant and you did this when she was at her most vulnerable and needed you the most.

    Sometimes it helps us to hear from the person who hurts us that they understand exactly what kind of pain they have put us through. By that i mean it's not enough to say sorry. She needs to know that you know what she went through.

    I can imagine from her perspective she might be feeling disposable to you and not very much like taking that sort of risk again.
    I mean if she did nothing to cause this how can she feel secure with you in the future? There is nothing she can do to prevent you from leaving again in her mind. She had no idea until you told her and now she might allways wonder.

    She might not take you back. And part of you getting to the right place personally will be accepting that possibilty fully and with grace.
    This can't be about you only. You feel remorseful and i don't blame you. But love isn't about simply you needing someone. You have to want her happiness even if that means her not comming back to you.
    It's nothing you can feign which is why i agree with others here in saying that you need to focus on what you can change and work on- you.

    I agree also on just being a great dad. Be respectful of their mum and give her all the time and space she needs. If she does take you back i expect it will be a long time before she feels she can trust you again. But if this is something you really truely want you are going to have to accept that as well and just keep on trying. You need to be vulnerable and without expectation and 'maybe' it will work out. Maybe it won't. But you can still be the best dad you can possibly be for your children.
    Last edited by laurea; 22-12-2011 at 14:11.

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  12. #38
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    I have a few things to say to some of the replies but I don't know how to individually reply to each comment so I will try my best.

    The reason I came on to BH with this is not to invade my DW's space or be manipulative but because although I am already seeking the help and guidance of a counselor it unfortunately isn't feesable to see my counsellor on a daily basis and I know BH offers support from people and advice from experience or even just opinions that will be able to help me as I know it has done for my DW in the past when we had a miscarriage.

    My actions were very immature and selfish and I know this. I know I have a lot to work on with myself before my marriage could possibly work again. I am helping myself sort through my problems in many ways. BH being one of them.

    I am not expecting people to be supportive of my either after what I have done as I know it is such a horrible thing. I expect to be scorned by most people as I'm sure that what I have done to my DW may bring up some memories of pain or hurt others have experienced.

    I have always loved my DW and always will. I never stopped loving her when I did what I did. I feel sick for doing what I did to my DW.

    I understand that I can't do one magical thing and make things hunky dory and words will never cut it either. I will how ever ensure that I change myself for the better and I hope that with the changes not only will I know I'm a better person but my DW will also know. If we never work out or I'm never forgiven then all I can hope for is that she can see I have done everything possible to be a better person for me, for her and for our sons.

    I am ashamed of myself.
    Last edited by MisterSmith; 22-12-2011 at 14:51.

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    I don't doubt your sincereity but with all due respect if you loved her when you were lying to her and cheating on her as much as you do right now and did before those acts then i can't say i would have a lot of faith in your either.

    Something has to have changed for you during that time for you to be able to do something like that to your pregnant wife.

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