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  1. #1
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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    Default Off the christmas card list

    I am at a bit of a loss about what I should do. Story goes - a group of 4 of us are still friends from high school (one is my bff and the other 2 are really close to each other - we will call them A and B). So 3 of us are married and have kid(s) but A is still single. So A is very busy with her other friends and work and travel etc. Other than BFF, it is normal for there to be some months between phone calls and catchup but throughout this year my messages and calls to A have not been returned. B said that she has not heard as much from A lately either, so I have been worried about A as I know she has been very concerned for her father who had major surgery recently. A's other very close friends are married and 2 of her very good friends have recently had babies (and I know that this is something that she wants for herself but she hasn't met anyone etc etc) so pretty much all but 1 frind has kids etc.. A is a very guarded person and I think that she doesn't feel good about her appearance and she seems to surround herself with very attractive friends (B is included among these, I am not). We all had a christmas get together the other day and she came over and sid hello and we gave each other a hug but then she got as far away from me as possible, she didn't ask me how I was, how my DD was doing, nothing....no interest in me whatsoever. At dinner she was sitting across from my bff who I hadn't had much chance to talk to because the kids were between us so I moved and and tried to chat to them (my bff was fine) and A answered all of my questions politely but never tried to engage me at all.
    I'm thinking that one of 3 things is happening
    a. She is just done with me - I must offend her in some way
    b. She is feeling a bit down in general - she seems very affected by her dads health problems and despite a clean bill of health she was teary talking about it.
    c. She is sad not to have a partner/kids etc, but for some reason I am the whipping boy for this.
    So, should I try and talk to her or just let it go. I spoke to B and she hasn't really seen the (lack of) interaction between us and I don't want to say too much. And my Bff is just oblivious.

    Should I just write off 20 years of friendship??? It feels like she has.
    Last edited by SpecialPatrolGroup; 16-12-2011 at 15:43.

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    How is she interacting with everyone else? You mentioned that B said she hasn't heard from her lately. Maybe she's just feeling down in general. I know when I'm feeling like that I'm not too chatty

    I know how it feels sort of. We hand''t known each other as long but I've drifted away from a close friend

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    It could be any of the above, or something completely different...

    It seems a shame to write off such a long friendship though doesn't it?

    Going by the title of your post, maybe keep her on the Christmas Card list (and the birthday list, the annual gathering list, whatever it may be) and see what happens?

    If she is going through something that is making it difficult for her to interact with you or others, your regular contact with her, even if it's only a card, will say to her that you are still there if she wants to renew the friendship.

    If she has 'crossed you off her list', this will probably become apparent over time.

    I know with some of my high school friendships things seem to go up and down over time, we have periods where we contact each other more or less. A lot happens in 20 years doesn't it! There will always be that bond though.

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    No way no way don't cross her off. When my dad was diagnosed with terminal illness and then passes away I was so consumed by caring for him and worrying and grieving that I barely could manage anything else (well except for looking after my family). I did lose touch with some friends, but I also had a lot of friends who would simply call and then call again in a few weeks/months just to touch base. I was unable to really 'be a friend' at such time but I sure did appreciate my friends hanging in then. Please please don't write her off.

  5. #5
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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    She was very warm to B - but that is what I expected (She adores B, but B said the does seem a little off), and seemed quite chatty with BFF but I couldn't really hear much of the conversation (there was a man mountain and 2 kids between us). Her other close friends aren't people that I see (one is a friend on facebook but I would not like to talk about her, that just doesn't seem right).

    I'm not planning on removing her from my christmas card list but I feel that I have been removed from hers.

    Hannahly - I know what your are saying, I lost my father 9 years ago, but I don't even know if that is what is going on.
    Last edited by SpecialPatrolGroup; 16-12-2011 at 15:57.

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    Without asking her, it's hard to know. Although she may not tell you the truth.

    Re single, I have a friend my age (31), and I know she was getting really down about all her close friends partnering (although she is very attractive and popular with men, but very selective). but she didn't shut out particular people. It doesn't make sense that you have been singled out.

    I cut out a long term friend this year. We had been friends for over 10 years, but he was being quite nasty to me, particularly in group situations. I just avoided him, but then he made a snide comment on fb, and that was the final straw. I sent him a message and told him why.

    This friend's behaviour was protracted, but I'm tolerant. Could you have accidentally said something and she's been stewing?

    Or maybe she's a bit depressed and irrational?

    Maybe see how t goes, and scope out mutual friends for inside, though might be awkward.

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    I had a similar scenario as you, except A, B, C and I were all equal good friends and all closer to one or another at different times in our 15 years of friendship.
    When I had DS, A was the only one who seemed disinterested and didn't even get in touch for 3 months after he was born. I thought it was personal towards me and was secretly offended but when I finally brought it up with B and C (was reluctant to *****), they felt A had been disinterested in them too, and were also secretly hurt by it.
    Might be worth talking to your other friends (in a non-*****y way ). They might either be able to confirm that it is something wrong with A, or be able to point towards why A is upset with you.

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    oops. Didn't realise b*tch was a swear word!


 

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