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  1. #1
    bellalika's Avatar
    bellalika is offline I'm trying my hardest, please don't ask for more.
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    Default I'm in tears nightly.

    As stated, I'm in tears nightly lately. My eldest throws massive tantrums the second I mention bath time. He will get in, sometimes on his own, sometimes with encouragement. Then the screaming starts. Or should I call it wailing. It is painful fake crying. No tears or anything.

    He doesn't want to get dry. He doesn't want to get dressed etc. each stage involves me ignoring, reasoning, forcing etc. and takes a good 5 - 10 minutes minimum. My normal failsafe counting backwards trick doesn't even work.

    Tonight it took me over an hour from when he lost the plot halfway through our shower until sleep. It often takes this long. He gets to the point where, when you ask him what he wants he answers "I don't know". I think he gets himself so worked up that he genuinely doesn't know.

    I have to try and deal with a lot of it myself. Hubby has a short fuse and, while he tries, it is too much for him to deal with for more than a few minutes. Our marriage is already rocky ATM and this is causing another stress.

    My youngest throws tantrums too so I have wondered if it is a learnt behaviour. DS2 cries to get picked up etc as he is frustrated at his inability to express himself. At 19 months this form of tantrum throwing works, although I ignore the ones thrown because he doesn't get his own way.

    Ugh. I hope this makes sense. I'm in tears and on my phone. If you have any tips or insight please share with me. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

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    Not sure if I have any tips, but just some
    Although I wonder if you could avoid bath or shower time if that's the trigger? I mean obviously there is more to it than just that, but could you jut skip,washing for a few days to give you a rest? Other than that I dunno, but empathize as we have one making bed time hell here too.

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    Have you tried bath-time earlier in the day, like first thing in the morning? I am sorry to hear it is upsetting you My DS is a terrible eater and dinner time is very stressful so I sympathise.....

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    He sounds tired. Try bath before dinner. And offer an alternative like "just a wash down" (stand in bath and give a quick wipe over with a flannel and out) or a shower.

    And, sorry, your DH is 31. He's needs to grow up. Short fuse? He's 31. That's not OK. He's the adult. Your children are tiny. I don't want to upset you, but I will always speak plainly, that's just not on.

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    Definately sounds like he's over it by the end of the day. My youngest can become really overwhelmed by the bath time routine, so I sometimes allow just a flannel wash. Not always possible tho, as it depends entirely upon how filthy she is! I have found that just by allowing her the space in which to skip it occasionally has alleviated a lot of that daily stress.

    I don't tend to allow her to skip it very often (maybe once in a week) and if she absolutely must have a bath but is already stressed and sensory seeking, then I try to either make it earlier when she's less tired and less stressed, or I make it fun with lots of bubbles and a few drops of food colouring.

    And then there are nights where nothing works and I just grit my teeth and get thru it. Just as long as the majority of our bedtime routines aren't like that, I'm happy to compromise

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    Sounds like he may be regressing? Maybe as a result of all the tension at home, have you thought of taking them to counseling too? He may just be looking for any way to let those feelings out and bath may just be an excuse. I'd also as pp have said try earlier in the day but if it's just being used as a release then it may just move to another trigger. Support him through it as you would a you get child. It's HARD as he is older and does know better but support is what he needs and what he is after he just as ds2 is at a loss as to how to express that and get what he needs from you.Iykwim.

    you've already been through so much I hope it settles soon xx

  8. #7
    bellalika's Avatar
    bellalika is offline I'm trying my hardest, please don't ask for more.
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    I've tried skipping bath time but I don't like doing it more than once a week. He screams through the wipe down and kicks etc. He is a very active little boy and gets really needs a proper wash nightly. He has the choice of a bath or shower. Having one with me was working for a bit but now he'll even act up then.

    I tried bath before dinner. It also worked once or twice but now he screams. It then makes dinner unpleasant too. I'll give it another go again tonight.

    He is currently sitting next to me on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, drinking milo, telling me proudly how he didn't wear pajamas to bed last night. It is because he wouldn't let me get them on him.

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    Sounds like you've given everything a good go, and my sympathies are with you here. One of my foster kids was like that - would just be so over it that he steamed the place down and made things completely unbearable. I decided to try taking him swimming at the local indoor pool. Not lessons - I wasn't sure how he would go and didn't want to fork out too much, but he and I would go for a swim. He LOVED it, and as an added bonus, he would have a shower there and be exhausted. Early night, happy kids, way less stressed mum. Perhaps try a paddling pool at home? We had this too and it was great on hot days. But of course, this won't work for everyone, and this summer isn't exactly warm at the moment.

    The other thing I tried on non-swimming days was showering at different times of the day. And I mean, any time at all. I started asking from first thing in the morning, and would make it more like a swim wit toys, bubbles, colored water, etc. he had a bath at any time between 8am and 3pm if given a choice. If all else failed, baby wipes worked great!

    I hope some of these ideas might work for you and your family. Good luck. You're doing a great job, so please don't lose heart!

  10. #9
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    Ah Bella, I've got no great words of wisdom, but I just wanted to post and send you more .

    It never rains, it pours. Kids are so sensitive to their parents moods etc. That tension that's between you and DH is probably flowing onto them as well. And there's not much that you can do about that. All I can suggest is that you confer with DH and tell him that he HAS to keep his cool and help you. I know the situation between the two of you, but having said that, you're not a single mum Bella.

    My advice in regards to handling the playing up? Do NOT let them win. Ever. As hard as it is, as painful as it is, you need to persevere. He's pushing you to see where his boundaries lie right now. This is why DH needs to help. You're going to burn ourself out with everything going on.

    Are you getting some time to yourself at all? And are you seeing a counselor yet? Thinking of you.

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    do you have toys in there?
    We had the same with Beryl, she screams the house down. I was in tears too, its so nerve rattling!

    So we bought some bath crayons and bath toys. and she has settled a lot.
    she still fights but only that she doesnt want to get out.

    I find this boundary pushing time so hard. But stay strong. Stay consistent. He needs to bathe and wear clothes. xoxox


 

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