See its horror stories like this that would turn me off ever falling for a man with children, lol.
See its horror stories like this that would turn me off ever falling for a man with children, lol.
can we refrain from calling CHILDREN, names?
I hate to say it but if your best friend was staying in PJ'S all day and eating bickies, you would be worried about possible depression.
I did this at 14 and i was very very depressed.
I think therapy for everyone is a good idea, and try to stop seeing them as "her" kids and as individuals.
I definately agree with seeking some counselling.
The whole situation sounds absolutely and completely frustrating. I can see why you are at your wits end.
I am a step mother and found counselling invaluable with helping me be at peace with my step child.
I do alot of 'disengaging' which helps with my frustration.
Being from blended family is so hard and there are so many emotions associated with it, it can be so hard to discuss issues and resolve them.
A professional can help with all of this.
Have you heard of the book 'step monster'? Might be worth reading..
Wishing you lots of strength. It's so tough.
You know, they DO sound like your average teenagers... not terrible, horrible kids.
It's not the kids... it's the parenting. It sounds like when they're at your house, there's not much of it going on. You can only do so much - your husband needs to pull up his socks and start enforcing any rules that are in place, instead of just fobbing you off with empty promises.
Id be having a family meeting and establishing some house rules, with consequences.
Are there any holiday activities on? can you start saying "ok tomorrow we are doing xyz, and leaving at x time." and taking them out of the house for the day as a family?
Your DH needs to be reminding these kids of basic manners and courtesy
[QUOTE=*Cj*;6249372]Their little aresholes because of their father and mother taught them to be that way. Your husband their father needs a wake up call. He needs to help change them before they walk out into the real world to fall flat on their face.
I would be going on strike. Leave it all up to your husband he helped make the mess with his ex let him clean it up. I really hope your more pi$$ed off at your husband then you are with your step kids. They wouldn't be this way if it wasn't for your husband/their father and his ex/their mother.
If it makes you feel any better they are being typical a$$hole teenagers & even if they were your bio kids it's quite possible they still would behave like this especially if that's how their dad your DP parents.
Siansmum - I'm glad someone knows how I feel.
I think this is what really gets me - I go from being a happy, positive, nice person to be around to being a miserable cranky angry cow.....I don't recognise myself and I hate this constant underlying bubbling anger I have when they are around. I’m sure it isn’t healthy.I become a different person when they're here - stressed and cranky and generally ****ed off
And I’m sure i will cop flack from people on here about how I feel – and that’s fine, i will take that – it’s a small price to pay for being able to vent without subjecting my friends and family to my endless tirades on the subject which I am sure they are well bored with by now (not that they don’t agree with me, but they are only exposed to it enough to find it an amusing talking point now and then)
But I don’t get this requirement that you have to love your stepkids....i don’t HAVE to love anyone and with these two it’s hard enough to even like them most of the time.
Thing is I just do not understand them – I was NOT like this as a teenager – I was up at 5am riding my bike to training most mornings (i only asked my parents to drive me if it was raining) and in summer i’d go to the beach with my sister, with friends or by myself. It would not have occurred to me to sit in front of TV everyday and i doubt my parents would have allowed it if i tried. I’m not saying i expect them to get up at 5am and swim the bay...but if they just got up before 11am and got out of the house and did SOMETHING. I’m not a completely intolerant or unreasonable tyrant – i don’t care if their rooms are a mess so long as the door is closed and i don’t have to see it. I don’t even care about that state of their bathroom unless it starts to smell or we have guests. I’ve even asked them if they want to have a friend to stay thinking that might encourage them to get out a bit more (and the answer was ‘no’ which makes me wonder if they have any good friends.)
And sure I know they’ve never been taught to clean up after themselves – but how are they going to learn if they aren’t assigned chores and made to do them? I’ve spent least the past 3 years trying to get them to start contributing but they just refuse to and it always ends up being such a battle that I don’t have the authority to pursue and my partner just finds too difficult.
Last night after dinner I asked the son to pack the dishwasher. He said it was full. I said ‘well empty it’ he said ‘well if i have to empty it i’m not packing it.’ I wanted to thump him. But instead we got a 10 minute argument about a task that takes 5 minutes at most. I would have liked to have said ‘fine, i’ll do it’ and then disconnected the wireless internet but that would have made everything worse.
The reason the dishwasher goes on twice a day is because they get a new plate and glass every time they go to the fridge....i’m not the one going through 10 glasses a day.
(The daughter had already gone to her room after i told her that racism was not tolerated in our house)
I KNOW my partner is largely to blame, and i’m sure he knows it too not that he will ever admit it. Most of their parenting was done by their mother as he travelled so much and i think he has now decided it is too late and or too difficult to change. So when I go ‘on strike’ the only impact is that he ends up doing it all..... I can’t sit there doing nothing while he does it all.....we get little enough time together as it is.
He and I had a fight about it at the beach of all places yesterday. We got up early and tidied the place up from their night time mess then i said i wanted to go to the beach before it started raining. After a couple of hours he said that he’d go home and get them and see if they wanted to go snorkelling. I said fine but that i’d stay where i was as my sister was coming down. He got all hurt and upset because i don’t want to spend time with his kids. I tried to be diplomatic and said it was a good chance for him to spend time with them without me there. He didn’t buy that for a minute so i was honest and said i’d want to spend time with them if they were more pleasant to be around. Fight ensued. In the end i said to go and get them and i’d meet them at the snorkelling area. It took him OVER TWO hours to get them out of bed and beach ready by which time it had started raining. (I found out later that the reason it took so long is because they were tired...from sitting up on the internet till 3am. Tonight the internet gets turned off when i go to bed...which of course will start another fight)
I felt really bad for him when he finally got back to the beach with these two sullen little ********* and literally hadn’t even managed to put his towel down when it started bucketing down. But frankly it’s of his own doing so while i resent them for ruining our/his day at the beach, he has the answer but he’s too concerned with being the nice guy to enforce any discipline or tell them to pull their heads in.
We called their mother last night to see if she wanted to see them before Christmas – my partner has to go to the city tomorrow and we thought she’d like to have lunch or go shopping with them – she said ‘no’ and that she’ll put their presents in the post today.
So it isn’t just me – it seems that their mother doesn’t want to see them either. A couple of years ago she was dating this man who ended the relationship because he couldn’t tolerate the sons (lack of) manners and moreso, her refusal to do anything about it (he has 3 teenage kids of his own so isn’t a novice when it comes to dealing with teenagers.)
Then this morning I got back from the gym, made some breakfast and was checking my emails when the son came out of his room. He made 4 pieces of toast with jam came to the table and started spreading the jam around the toast using his finger then licking it. Less than a metre from where I was sitting trying to start my work day. I wanted to grab the plate and throw it outside and tell him to learn some f8cking table manners. But my partner was in the shower so I didn’t say a thing.
As for counselling - We tried counselling once when the daughter was going through a particularly obnoxious stage – at least he and I went – the daughter refused to go. I’d be more than happy to go again but if their parents can’t teach them any manners or get them to help with chores I doubt they’re going to listen to a counsellor.
Anyway, thats my vent for the morning, very cathartic, time to do some work.
AAAWWWW OP you poor thing.
I was exactly like your step-daughter. And nope, it wasn't depression. I was just a little a**hole and hated everyone. I was rude obnoxious and felt entitled to everything.
They are 14 and 17 not 4 and 7 and need a good kick up the bum.
No advice, just wanted to offer some support.
Look, no one expects you to love them..but it might be nice if someone liked them.
Their mum doesnt want to see them, their dad has a whole new family and a wife, who does not like them.. do you know what that does to a kid?
You dont have to love them and they dont have to love you. I think the issue is the parents. These kids have been neglected in the parenting and now that you can see the damage, they just become crap kids.
Good , well behaved, happy kids come from good parenting. There is damage here and I am sure it is damn hard work but I think you could do it, with some professional help.
Pregnant for the first-time?
Not sure where to start? We can help!
Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!